My dearest, fourteen subscribers! In endless gratitude to you and God, as well as to myself, I am back with my "fairytale" stories.
I've promised you a lot of things there, but none of them fulfilled. "To you" is a quite symbolic thing of cause, since I promised it myself as a whole, and disappeared. And this is important, a sacred thought, remember it. Promises made to ourselves, even without the intention to fulfill them, pull us back and slowly and imperceptibly suck energy out of us. It isn't my idea, I just know that from somewhere. And if we assume that we remember all our promises to ourselves and others and suddenly we fulfill them all or admit that we cannot and do not want to fulfill them, what will happen? That's right, the case will close and our vital energy will stop going there. But this is just a lyrical digression.
So, feelings. If I tell you the word "DEATH" - what will you feel? Probably something unpleasant, maybe even shiver. And if I say "MOM'S DEATH"? – it's deeper, isn't it? Pictures in front of your eyes? Perhaps some of you already know how it is to experience such terrible events in life, and someone only sometimes thinks about it with horror, and if suddenly such thoughts come, then you want to drive them away.
I am all this for what, recently I 've got an understanding built into that I cannot turn off only one feeling of pain of loss, for example, and leave a feeling of joy, or in general turn off "bad" feelings, and leave only "good" ones. If I turn off feelings, then I turn off EVERYTHING! And pain and joy. And I did it, I even remembered this moment in my life, I said out loud that I didn't want to feel. Well, as they say, get it – sign it.
It was a fine sunny day. I woke up very early in a luxury hotel somewhere in the Rostov region, swam in the pool and enjoyed lying under the not yet scorching morning sun. Ahead was a visit to another plant in the Krasnodar Territory and after that a couple of days for myself on the Black Sea coast. Life was good it seemed to me then, and everything was so wonderful and cloudless that it would be simply impossible to believe in trouble.
Closer to noon, I was driving through the infinitely abundant, sun-drenched lands of Krasnodar, looking forward to "my" weekend, when the phone rang. It was my uncle from the opposite edge of earth, who actually told me the "terrible news" that my mother had passed away… I do not know what other people do in such situations, what they feel, what you feel or would feel, but I remember what I did.
At the same moment, I just turned the car and drove towards Moscow. After calming my uncle down, I called the plant and canceled the meeting. I informed my family and asked for help with tickets, air for myself and a train for the children. I asked my relatives and friends for help with the funeral and related events. Transferred the money. I informed my company and took time off. I drove 1200 kilometers behind the wheel to Moscow. I parked the car near the house. Took a shower. I took a taxi to the airport and arrived in Perm. By taxi, another 100 kilometers to the place. I cooked dinner and met the children from the train station who had left the day before. And tomorrow was the funeral.
No tears, no panic, no strife–NOTHING! Total concentration and self-control. I sincerely did not understand when people in care of me offered help, asked to stop at a pharmacy and buy a sedative, why? I am "normal". I "buried my mom on the phone, driving." However, I realize that at that very moment I was sincerely grateful to the people who were with me and I will always be grateful to them all.
Five years later, by the invisible will of the providence I got on a sensational psychotherapeutic show. Nothing foreshadowed…but wait… during all these years I was engaged in "myself", accepting my parents and their choices, unloading «alien» beliefs from my mind, and probably learning to feel anew… Watching the show, I could not understand for long, what it was in the appearance of the host for me, something so home and awkward at the same time, something very feminine earthly and alien, until the socks appeared on the stage, ordinary knitted wool socks.
It started when I got back home. I took them out from the shelf - stretched, so a little awkward with an uneven heel, but so warm, so mine, socks knitted by my mom. I realized what was in this image on the stage for me. The feeling of loss literally tore me apart, my whole body was beating in hysterics and tears… I am still crying, writing and crying, but I am glad, insanely glad that finally, after so many years, I was able to release so much pain from myself, because this means only one thing, that now I can feel joy, love and gratitude just as much.
So, the sacred thought is that the feelings are for us to feel them. And we will never be able to rejoice, love and thank, without being sad, grieving, angry and so on. And I allow myself to feel. What I wish to all of you, my dearest fourteen subscribers! With love and gratitude, I am.