Sometimes life gets hard. It gets hard to handle situations. I felt myself so weak last days. I was really hopeless. I felt myself as a skin staying between two wars --the war that is going outside of me and the war that is taking place inside of me. I lost control... I felt vulnerable. The life was attacking me endlessly by throwing shitty relationships of people towards me. I was frustrated, because I did not wanted to react to anything. I did not wanted to react to people's words and actions even if I found them very irritating. Because it all did not matter. Ok, it did matter, but it was not enough. I had no energy to respond. I felt like I was inside the glass ball. I felt like I was separated from the whole world including the society, the events and even my body.
Too many things happened. All bad.
Namely, I lost my job. Then I lost my chance to study free at the university. I had to move from the dorm to the hostel. My financial situation went from bad to hopeless. There also were many little problems. For example, university accountant did not wanted to return payment for the dormitory, so she made me go to the dorm several times to get the necessary documents. Instead of giving the right instructions for once, she decided to give it in parts - every time I came, she returned the paper back and said another step to do. Also when I came, I had wait for a long to reach them. I know this scheme, it is classic. They just make people tired,so they don't come back after their money return. I had no energy to get fucked with this problem, when I was already getting fucked by more serious troubles.
I did not went home, because nobody is waiting for me. My little brother is waiting,however my mother is not. She says that she wants me to return home, but during my last visit I understood, that actually she wants to live alone. So I decided not to bother her. The same thing is with my grandmother - I want to visit her, but my relatives don't want me at their house, so I don't want to bother them either. I know, everybody will criticise me for not visiting my family and relatives, but I don't want to be at places, where people just hate me. During the last visit I tried to spend as little time as possible at each house that I came to, but it was enough to feel all hate towards me. Yes, they were kind and respectful,but I felt and understood their mood. I don't blame them, because everybody have their own problems, and having a depressive guest as me is not a good thing. I wanted to see my grandmother and little brother, and I saw them. It was enough. I did not come to anybody to ask help or something. I can solve my problems by myself. I am an adult. One more thing is, that some of them thinks that I am living happy life, only because I am a student. Yes, maybe they were happy when they were students, but my life is different. I never had a fun or friends, or live that they used to have. However, I have the problems, that they did not have. Hearing "Oh, you are so happy because you are a student!" is so irritating. They think that I am living in a cheap dorm, getting paid monthly by the university and just studying good and hanging out with friends. In reality, I have to move from one hostel to another monthly. Moving out is always problematic - finding a new place with good price, normal people, then transporting luggage all alone. It is everytime is a waste of time and money. It is a stress. Getting used to new transport ways, adapting my job choice to a new place where I am living... Getting the same reaction from people and understanding that they always gonna accept me as smb cringey and strange. All that gossips and lies and misunderstandings about me. All that prejudices about me that are wrong... I am so tired of them tbh. I always ignore it. But I am exausted.
Apart from this, university is not paying me anything, so I have to work. Work takes time and university schedule is not appropriate for working students. I try to adapt my working schedule under the study schedule. I try hard and go to 100 interviews and finally got a job. I start working and guess what? The university schedule changes! Every fucking time! Without any explanation! You got a salary and spend it to close credits. It is impossible to live without them, because this city is sxpensive as fuck. I economy ,I work but I always end up getting a new credit. I am tired. I have to look good for a work and for university, because people here judge you by your appearance, not by your personality. Every fucking month you spend lots of money on clothes and cosmetics and other fucking things just to look average! Just to look acceptable. Normal.
Sometimes fucking buses don't come on time or some other shit happens, so you have to take a taxi. Taxi can be cheap but dangerous , or expensive but not dangerous. So you have to spend your daily earn just to get to the work on time. And when you got to the work, there happens another shit! At work people will came later than you or even say "today is day off, because students did not came". So you wake up at 5 am, dress up, pay 2k to get to the work on time just to go back home! And it happens several times. And it is not anybody's guilt. It is just a unlucky day.
You literally just surviving. And you are surviving by spending your best years. There are 2 types of days:1) Get up at t a.m. - run- bus-work-bus - problems - get ready for work - spend all your earns at basic things (papers, food, products, libing, transport)- sleep.
2) Give up and lay motionless all day in a bed without an energy just crying - spend money on junk food to calm yourself - blame yourself for being lazy and weak - promise to change your life.
No matter how hard you try, you always lose. No matter how hard yu try, you will stay the same.
I lost. I lost 2 years of life to the university and got 0 knowledge. People say that my university is best, but I did not met those strong teachers, that people are talking about. Just did not. They even did not teach us. Idk why. Wtf is wrong with my life??? I spend money on fake medical recipees, because I had to work instead of studying. I got 2st credit to pay for the dorm. I denied several good job options, because they did not fit my study schedules. And at the end I had to take my documents back from the university. For what?
Only thing that I got is C1 level of english. I got it, because I did not relied on university.
I knew what to expect. I was ready.
Yes, there were people who truly wanted to help me. But there were also people, who came there only to break me. And they won. I don't wanna to tell their names, but I know who they are. And that is enough.
I knew that 2nd year of university will be the last year. I understood it too early. And I was ready. But it hurts.
I know that to succeed in life, I don't have to study hard or work hard. I have get rid off those, who are destroying my life. But I can't. I am alone. I am broke. I am weak.
No matter how hard I try, they can spoil my life in a minute. So why should I try?
They removed me from volunteering. They closed my online way of earning money. They spoiled my relationships with many teachers. They lied to police about me. They used social media against me. They tried to attack me psycologically to break my confidence. They faked some news. They isolated me from necessary people. They are always looking at my accounts, chrome history, etc. They are stalkering me. They are using strangers against me.
They are keeping all this fake scenes to trick me and to check me. They always go after me. They are always ready to spoil my next plan. To steal my next idea.
They are just fucking annoying shits. Some of them think, that they are helping me. Some of them think, that without them, I can not live. Actually, they are jusy making my life worth.
They always play the same scenario. They hire different people, but those people act the same.
Do they think that I am an idiot? Do they think that I don't know their scheme?
All their aim is to control me. Because they know that the moment that they lost control over me, will be the last for them.
I am fucking tired of this game. It is not interesting for me. Yes, I already got used to it. I am not afraid. I know how to win, but I can not, because I have not enough information and resources.
I know that for those, who don't know the truth, my text will seem strange. They may think that I am insane. They may think that I am mentally ill or paranoic. But, no. I am not insane. I can prove that everything that I told is truth. But who cares?
I am alone with my problems. And I always will be. I can not solve them. It is not true life. It is a miserable survival under the control of some psycho people who have lots of time and money to play with my life. I know what they need. They want my suicide. They are waiting.
After my death, they can say anything about me. They will blame me for using drugs, even if I never used them. They will say that I was sexually abused, even if it is not true. They will say that I was insane, which is partly true. They will say that I killed myself because of university problems or financial problems, which is not true.
But they will never say people true reasons of my suicide. They will not tell about my family problems. About my past. About this fucking control. About psycological pressure. About spoiling my life step by step. About closing every door in front of me. About making me feel depressed, not confident, weak , just to make me easy to control. About making sure, that I don't earn enough money to get rid of my credits. About paying to teachers, hiring special teachers at the university, who will demotivate me and spoil my grades. About making up situations, after what I should lost my dreams and give up. About all of this effort against me.
I don't care. I don't care what they will say after my death. Only thing that I know is - I will end this shit.
I promise everyone, who is right now reading this note, that I will commit suicide before 2024 year. So, do not worry. It will be happy end both for me and you. I will realize and accomplish both your and my true dream. Truth will not be told. I am not your first and I am not your last. But I am sure that the next turn is yours. You all will respond for every death and suffering of us. For now, I say you bye.