CHAPTER 4. Ascension
We spent Sasha's vacation, which took place at the very end of the summer, with his parents in Ust-Donetsk. Having a asked about locations, rich with blackberry, we went there by bus. Sasha came from Oryol and looked unusual, full of determination to fight for me which seemed to be unprecedented. He wanted to help in all my "quirks".
A whole blackberry plantation was located almost next to the road, near the river: it was full of low, barely risen after June mowing and tall bushes covered with black and bluish berries. No matter how much you eat, it will still remain much there: to gather, to come tomorrow and the day after tomorrow ... The sun heated the body and mixed with blackberry, creating a magic drink which enlivened and inspired blood. Sasha kissed my blackberry-pained lips, I did the same and we kept staying there. We were hot and I took my sweater off, Sasha did the same ...
Sasha loved this magical place since then and was afraid that they would come and simply destroy it - mow, replant - it was my medicine, my life (it will happen six years later, however our plantation was in a good condition in that autumn).
The blackberry - queen of berries - became my favourite not by chance, rather considering the fact that vitamin E was a fertility one as it was well known. I also achieved good blood indicators and recovered; a month came after a month, a year after a year, however, menstruation did not return. What was I missing in my food? I looked through the vitamins section once again. Almost every element existed in two ways, which clearly emphasized the seasonal division of products. For example, carotene, provitamin A - is usually contained in herbal products, vitamin A - in animals. The sun irradiates our skin in summer and vitamin D is formed from subcutaneous ergosterol while low solar activity removes vitamin D from animal food. B1 accelerates the carbohydrate metabolism and is indispensable when carbohydrates (fruits and vegetables) are abundant, its antagonist - thiaminase (raw fish) is intended to minimize the body's need for carbohydrates, imagine how necessary it is in spring, when there are no fruits in nature yet: the old disappears (in natural conditions) and the new is only blooming. Vitamin E is not as simple as it seems, a whole group of components exists under the name "tocopherols". Vitamin F caught my attention. Unlike E, it can be found only in plant foods, particularly nuts. Being a lover of logic, I believed that time of vitamin F is limited and we should think about tocopherols received from the meat of large birds if we get closer to winter.
A peasant seller was talkative:
- Buy, just buy ... something you want - a gander, - a goose ...
“You are the owner: you know perfectly where the gander is, where the goose is, why should I differentiate them? Is it simply detectable?
- Of course! A goose is like a woman - has a rounder and fatter tail, is smaller than a gander, every body part is curved and "corners" do not bulge ...
If all my casual talkers knew how strangely words dropped by them were kept inside me - in a market crush, in the noise of a trolleybus. "A man without meat is not a real man", - with woman’s words right there: "And I am hungry too - without meat..." What matter are we all made of?
I suspected that men were created using the same products which made women be themselves. However, the nature incorporated a mechanism which processes food into roundness, into fat, encircling the abdomen and hips, into a female organism. Why are men stronger, but less enduring? They have such tendency because our food is programmed to be transferred into their energy, the power is burned constantly. A women's organism puts everything to the reserve, products are kept until difficult times come: pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. According to determined norms of consumption, a woman needs only the least; however, set norms grow during pregnancy and feeding but they do not always reach men's levels.
There is also one moment! Here it is, an exception to the rule. Is it a secret of femininity? For some reason, women, require much more iron even in a stable state. Why? "A higher need for iron in women is conditioned to its loss with blood during menstruation, with breast milk and with the growth of a foetus". It turns out that if the body does not care what to burn as fuel, then the necessary building material for a new organism should be specific. Let's figure out "The role of individual products functioning as sources of iron is determined not only by their quantity, but also by a degree of assimilation by the body. Iron is absorbed best ... received from animal and poultry meat, including meat by-products ... Fruits, berries and their juices contribute to its absorption... Grains, legumes and some vegetables contain phosphates, phytin and oxalic acid, which inhibit iron uptake. Hooray, I was on the right track. Neither bread, nor porridge or vegetables spoiled the process - I did not consume them.
Female intelligibility in assimilation (women need less but better resources) is probably the very mechanism which protects female sex represenatives of childbearing age from illness and death and does not cover men. However, nothing can protect an omnivorous female person against genital cancers, which are undoubtedly faster and more precise to respond to non-specific foods. There is no dispute, sexual functioning forms a great load on the body. The organism refuses from such load, if it becomes unbearable and a person is not provided with good food, however, being subjected to fine-tuning and good sensitivity parameters. According to Dilman's research, women who have undergone a menopause can suffer from the uterus and mammary glands cancer sooner. (there is no load - fewer claims are provided to food - incidence rates are smaller). However, mortality is aligned in both sexes at the end of the childbearing period. Consequently, a certain food processing program can be associated with activity of sex glands. Awaken hormones require food ... And here it is... an enchanted circle!
One day, I got to a goatshed in search of a woman who kept goats. I went directly to the right place moving in accordance with instructions of people I met. There were long brick barns, which were kept empty with open doors. Completely dead silence... Where are all people and cattle? - was my first thought. I wanted to see at least someone and ask necessary questions, in such a way I looked inside the barn. The long row of oxen heads was equally extended to the long trough; every animal seemed to be chewing synchronously. I found out what I was interested in and got into the return train without even giving myself a report on why this silence and that "dinner" touched me so strangely. Obedient clean animals chew the mixed fodder, which had been provided specifically for them - why was it so sad? What is the difference between farm and home animals? Both are grazed in summer, kept in stalls in winter and killed young for meat. They have to obey to a diet and low mobility. Suddenly a comparison flashed in my mind at that moment - people lived like that too! They purchased things provided in stores: the same feed, however - placed in beautiful packages, with artificial colour, smell and taste. People seemed to me like those bulls on the farm - deprived of the opportunity to choose food and guided by their natural instincts. They ate food non-characteristic for a human stomach and did not suspect that diseases received by them were completely natural.
B. Sergeev, the doctor of biological sciences, described life of forest jungles and emphasized connection between the physiology of their inhabitants and men: "Our distant ancestors, coming out of the forest, did not significantly change their physiology".
Today, we can highlight grains, vegetables and meat of fed birds and animals glancing at the ration of a civilized person. A field, a vegetable garden and a meadow provide us with this food. If we assume that everything is ecologically clean and was not refined to the deadly sugar, starch and bouillon cubes, then these gifts are not forestry, therefore - they are not intended for a human stomach by nature. I had squeezed everything out of separate feeding and raw food products - that's why a new level of approach to nature was required: to berries, mushrooms and nuts.
I interviewed all my relatives for game procurement. It turned out that dad had caught gophers in steppe areas in his childhood, but hadn't eaten them since he hadn't like such meat. Almost everything had been given to friends. Vanya had hunted quite recently, when he had lived in the village. He shared some memories and added that the actual mining job and city life did not allow any thinking seriously about hunting. I did not have a husband-hunter and the forest was a distant unsolved mystery - it would be easier to put up with it. Calm down, it is impossible - and the other part of the mind thought - how is it possible to calm down? Calm down, looking at childlessness? Had I done everything in my power, was it too early to give up? The Iksanov family helped me to meet a hunter in Oryol. I listened to his stories very often and understood: his way of life was very difficult and troublesome for a man, it was impossible to compensate for collected results with money, especially since gain was sometimes very small and failures occurred rather often.
I found a local society of hunters in the city centre, walked around and imagined what fun my appearance would cause there. - What do you want, girl? To hunt? Do you have a gun or skis?
- Shall I buy them?
-Who will sell them to you, they pay money to hunt ...
Hunters from the city could share something with me because of respect or compassion, but never allowed keeping at least for some more or less significant period!
Unexpectedly, Lena Yakovleva brought invaluable information - there were special shops in Moscow selling meat of elk, deer and wild birds. The provided opportunity was almost beyond all dreams. I wanted to come to such store and to buy something which had been considered unattainable and forbidden for many years. After arrival I walked over to the window and stood, completely numb for about 15 minutes. In addition, I was hit by local prices: wild meat was inferior in value to Oryol pork and beef ... The seller was asked to provide eight kilograms and sent me to the storekeeper. I went to the backroom shop area having breathed as before a kind of jump. At that time, the attitude towards trading professions was different than in the market economy age; and this step turned out to be an ordeal in a situation of pioneering ideals for an average person. Very soon, I realized that there was nothing demeaning in my requests, if there was anything available for payment. No doubt, trading was created to trade. However, today I have a feeling of reverent gratitude to people who sympathized and helped me to this day.
The city life provided an unexpected prospect of getting closer to nature and choosing the most suitable meat once more: wild boar, elk, deer and even bear meat were not excluded from the list. I chose boars as the main energy source since I had heard a lot about them and elks living in Oryol forests. Deer were almost connected with the North. I also added partridges and hazel grouses to the personal diet. The boar meat was very tasty and had not much fat unlike pork. I enjoyed all novelty and richness of the taste of "forest" meat after a monotonous diet which had consisted of goats and rabbits and had been actual over the past two years.
It was worth living in the world for this! I found a certain balance and order of food provision in addition to pleasure and satiety, as I bought much in stores and the probability of purchase depended only on availability of money and goods. However, there were also unpredictable difficulties: no owners at home; they promised, but changed their minds; not a usual season; huge price, etc. These matters were once forgotten, freeing some time for useful activities ...
I chose a nearby school and offered myself the role of a teacher of ethics and psychology in the field of family life. The director treated me with an inexplicable cordiality, providing not only time for lessons, but also additional round-table work for earnings. However, she asked a question at the end of our conversation: "Tell me, where are you from?" My sincere confession did not dispel her doubts about a person with a journalism diploma who had come to school. The head teacher and subsequently - one of the employees asked me if I had been writing some articles for some time, if I wanted to be a teacher of literature. Having become accustomed to my position, they began to treat me as usual: took away additional hours when they were required for basic rates, criticised me for not getting paid in time, for garbage left by students in the class ... Superficial trifles could not cool personal eagerness to lessons and communication with students. In case of success I felt such a response wave of interest, a stream which could lift a person like on wings. However, at the first moments I fell as often as I flew...
My plans included a big circle, to be implemented during the spring break: Moscow - to buy meat - direct train to Shakhty - few days with my parents - Oryol again. At that moment I didn’t have to take food with me for various reasons and just because nothing had been left for the next trip to the capital. It was a hungry day once, it felt like a bit too much, I wanted to eat while travelling on the train and bags were full of meat, however, it was embarrassing to eat raw products in front of everybody. Having somehow reached my place, I pounced on the raw boar slab, causing the horror of my mother. She begged me to boil it, even a little, she was scared with germs and worms. Henceforth, I tried not to shock mom and ate when she left for work. Dad was philosophical about my new experiences, as he seemed to me. He did not claim my food, staying interested in what was cooked in the pan. Watching me cutting cabbage for borsch, he once pointed to the stalk and asked not to throw it away, give it to him.
- What for? - I was surprised.
- I will cut it, add some oil and cook. Cats will be very pleased.
Despite the stroke, dad retained his tendency for jokes and I laughed, taking the said words as a joke. Cats - cabbage - very funny!
“Yes, yes,” said Dad. - Do not laugh.
Having made a serious face, I thought: what things he dreamed about ... The next day, my father brought the cabbage, fried in sunflower oil, to the cat and dog in my bewildered eyes. They ate meatless cabbage although it didn't smell like anything.
“Our Dolly almost died,” mother said, “at first we did not understand what was the matter”. The dog couldn’t take a dump for a few days, it just stayed on the ground and put a stomach to massage, however - nothing helped. It had not resisted a small enema and such measure brought some help.
People often tend to transfer the principles of their diet to pets. It is believed that if a person does not eat soup or another liquid dish for lunch, then the intestines will not work. Dogs are adapted to eat meat, and constipation takes place just because of the opposite, because of bread and other products "from the human table". By the way, I tend not to eat the first dish and I have no problems with defecation.
Mom did not show in what way my words had touched her at that moment. The point was not in the ideological struggle, but in her anxiety for me, so other arguments were applied in the evening.
- There was a penalty in the ancient India: criminals were fed with meat only and they soon died ...
- In India - it was a poison, rather representing a norm for northerners (and vice versa): in such a way everything is relative in our world.
- Lena, please think a bit! Our ancestors ate wheat, and we all consume such products. Why do you think that we all are fools and you are the smart one?
- Not all - just read some information. Can you explain how wheat influences on the body, do you guarantee me that I will begin eating and my menstruation will resume?
- I think it will ...
- When, after what period? Are you responsible for your words?
- I do not know .., - mother almost cried (she was a soft woman and could not stand my huge pressure).
- Mom, I gave a year of my life to the experiment with cereals, and I am not going to give it back for your pleasure.
- Eat everything - just a little bit! Porridge and meat ...
- I feel the taste of urea when mixing these products. I couldn't eat meat (even if hours pass between meals) after porridges, overloading my digestion, I didn't not have enough juices, I didn't have strength necessary to double the so-called cleaning ...
- How had Nyura grandmother given birth to us? Do you think meat had always been available?
- It was like you had done it with me. Someone had to put an end to all of this. The energy of nature faded away in my case. You know that natural products provide more than the body needs for implementation of short-term goals. Do not forget that grandmother ate bear meat, wild mushrooms and berries. This small aspect meant more than a cellar full of potatoes.
As a result, my mother still asked me not to be nonsense, to eat a bit of everything and did not refuse to provide some money. I didn’t answer anything at that moment, by that time I didn’t have any trump cards, 2 weeks later menstruation began when I was in Oryol and by the end of the year I found some evidence which was even more convincing at the moment: I had already been pregnant at the time of our conversation (such situation takes place sometimes: menstruation occurs after an already occurring pregnancy).
59 kg - I didn’t weigh so much in my life before or after this case, I also didn’t suspect about a two-month pregnancy and took my usual spring crisis as a change of tastes taking place at the end of May. The sickness began to appear because of meat, even more - because of fish, white mushrooms plunged into a terrible state. Gradually, I decreased gained kilos, trying to figure out a kind of medicine. "Strong recovery - I reasoned, - Everything which helps to calm, everything I was looking for before - it does not fit now: white mushrooms, goat meat, acorn fish ... The body itself is performing the brake operation”. Based on the fact that chicory root contains B1, which accelerates carbohydrate metabolism, I tried to consume it together with a sprig of willow - nausea and headache moved away in 30 minutes as if by certain magic. They had both tormented me for more than a month. I resorted to the help of roots several times, until the appropriate food was picked up: sour berries, white mushrooms, wild duck and even aspen varieties, characterized by the opposite, sour taste.
Having learned about my pregnancy from the doctor, I wanted to clarify the child sex and had a dream. I hurried to my little one in the snow-icy desert, conjuring: "Do not die! Do not freeze!" I opened the door of the cold room in the student dormitory and called: "Kirill! Are you alive?" I came to the iron bunk - to the child - he turned his head towards me and I whispered not remembering myself for joy "Alive, alive, alive!" In such a way my body told me that I had been carrying a boy and that he had been staying cold. I knew that meat had been a warming product and it turned out that my diet was almost entirely composed of meat, requiring an even greater share of it ... Maybe, another quality was of greater importance?
The golden dream acquired some features of reality, but the reality was different from the dream. I received the desired burden unexpectedly, without any final reaching any pinnacle of physical well-being. The ascent continued with a double load; at that moment I was inspired by the spirituality of my path: I was ready for any ordeal for the sake of a child. It was a belief in oneself — a new one: in a body with a mind of its own. If it accepted such a burden, then it meant that problems would end up! I would analyze my condition daily - I would not stumble, would prevent a fatal mistake, would not ruin the life which had come into being. We can make mistakes in logical constructions, reasoning, based on book facts - it is possible to check them only by ourselves, applying our own feelings. I decoded my taste inclinations. Little by little. The range of long-forgotten shades, which had been refused from together with generally accepted dishes, was tasted thanks to the forest gifts. Neither goat meat, nor beef, nor rabbit could be called anything other than "meat". Currently, I believe that it is true that the melted goat's fat resembles (not just for me) a smell of warmed butter and in such a way I interpreted my passion for oil pancakes with the lack of just such “regenerating” meat. However, the taste of moose meat was really stunning! It went beyond my previous sensations. The aroma of a boiling product didn't not look as it had seemed to be - it was rather like some kind of a strict flour dish.
I used a half of the notebook, writing a diary of my personal deliberations.
Once, I stopped near a poster in the women's clinic - these were some explanations for pregnant women. Rules of nutrition for the first and second half of pregnancy were different. We can currently interpret them in the following way. The first months are characterized by restructuring of the body and intensive cleaning - accumulation and weight gain occur by its end. At the first stage, it is not recommended to eat salty and spicy food, namely, those cucumbers wanted by every pregnant woman. At the second stage it is advised to abandon flour and fat consumption, including cakes and pies, which influence fetus growing unreasonably. It turned out that I had eaten sour and energizing food correctly at the pregnancy beginning in order to get rid of nausea (we usually want to eat more because of small birds and rabbits consumption) but leg cramps weren't just a simple occurrence. My condition reflected a certain degree of confidence in personal ideas about nutrition. I assumed that summer was not the time for meat of large animals and reduced my diet to berries, mushrooms, poultry and rabbits being careful with fruits. After ranking of all known edible means and outlining of a personal menu, the understanding of food units came to me. We can eat one rabbit, 20 mice or an eighth part of a goat in order to saturate body with protein. All such products will be represented by meat, having conditionally the same weight, however, effects, caused in relation to a person consuming it, are not very identical. The rate of metabolic reactions of a rat is about 8 times faster than that of a human; in case of a goat or a pig it can be close to human and is probably slower in large animals. In case of plants, everything which is shorter and has smaller dimensions will cause more intense metabolism: grain in comparison with nuts and acorns, berries and roots in comparison with fruits. Honey and mushrooms occupy a separate position: the first pushes the pendulum to the left - namely, to the fruits side, and the latter - to the right, to the meat side (in such a way I could not eat any meat after honey!).
Birds and fish deserve a separate discussion. They are not only opposed to each other, but are also connected (for example, in case of birds living on water and fed from water). It seems to me that birds accelerate and fish species slow down movement of the described pendulum.
Such pendulum of power shall definitely have a certain range, otherwise our bodies will not receive necessary support required for the speed of its reactions. Either autumn or pregnancy (convulsions and constipation represent characteristic symptoms of future mothers in general) made me feel and realize this pattern.
It is enough to launch the mechanism of accumulation and calming down trying to eat some parts of elk or deer (opposite-pole fruits from an alien climate should be removed from the ration in principle). Frankly, I had reached the November cold season before I matured or began to see the situation clearly, having the opportunity to buy meat of large animals in September. In short, transition to beef and elk moved cramps into eternity.
The door opened, letting out a woman, who was putting her boots on, and I entered the room. Shoes should have been left near a door. I came to the table. Having a five-month pregnancy, I could not believe in anything and doubted every thought. For some reason, the doctor laid me on a couch and took a centimetre to measure my belly. “Let's check the heart,” she said. I began to unbutton my blouse. “Not yours”, - the doctor stopped me, and put an instrument to the stomach like Dr. Aibolit. Here all funny memories usually end. Having learned that I had the Hodgkin's disease, two surgeries, etc., the doctor said that she could not take any responsibility and sent me to the director. First of all, I was asked strictly:
- Who have allowed you?
I did not lose my speechlessness, something similar had already happened in case of a trip abroad. Of course, I could ask from whom should I have taken permission to have sex with my husband, but I needed a document for maternity leave like all mere mortals, which was given in time only to the disciplined one. I had to go to the hospital immediately or to travel to Moscow for a permission. Of course, I chose the latter variant. Moscow doctors had already become accustomed to the burden of duty which flowed down from all over the Union and three days later they wrote the following after an examination: "A state of prolonged remission - five years. Pregnancy continuation is possible".
A new scandal broke out two weeks before the birth (according to the preliminary definition of obstetricians, two days turned into two months). My blood parameters deteriorated: the figures jumped over all limits already corrected for pregnant women. I was offered to go to the hospital again, the official refusal did not help.
Staying in the ambulance car, I thought about how easy it was to kill my child and me: it was enough to be deprived of freedom (the Amphibian man was such a close association ...). This was actual even in case of the best intentions. "We cook for all diets", - the local hospital manager told me proudly. I managed to explain the situation with a great difficulty, and, understanding everything as a refusal to go to the hospital, she was frightened by the notorious "responsibility" and asked to get to their head. Well, it was necessary to state the arguments once more.
The chief physician, a man of fifty, with sleeves of a white robe rolled up to his elbows, caused respect for his resemblance to the image of a surgeon which I had formed during my monthly staying in the Moscow clinic. He solved current affairs with colleagues who had come from the women's consultation centre, I waited for my turn. Finally, he addressed me, listing everything that I should take with me to the hospital on the next day without any long prefaces.
- I can not stay here, I have a special diet ...
“So you brought yourself here with your diet”, - interrupted the doctor raising the voice slightly: “We provide consultations with all specialists, we will also invite a hematologist.
- Do you treat lymphogranulomatosis? It seemed that everything was all right from the point of pregnancy.
His plans obviously did not include wasting time on me and inventing any arguments. He was infuriated by my confrontation and was already shouting, turning purple all over.
- You are going to die! Let your relatives come here!
I began to shake – it was the case when it was better to leave the conflict and my mind managed to stay silent, not trying to object or make excuses: everything would be over quickly. Thank God that mother was far away: how easy it was for a person in white to intimidate relatives with such a significant position!
The head physician demanded that my husband should come to him tomorrow to discuss the issue. Sasha reacted simply: "If you think that the hospital destroys you, do not stay there, and I will not go there to carry out a useless conversation".
A few days later, a therapist from the antenatal clinic visited me "at home" and persuaded to go to Moscow in order to give birth there. "They do not give birth in the oncology centre" "There are other institutions, hospitals ...". Doctors probably wanted to get rid of me. I promised that I would come there and did it like a man of duty, staying terribly afraid to give birth in a train. They gave me the certificate “continuation of pregnancy is possible”. I managed to buy some meat and returned to Oryol, where Andrey was born three days later in the maternity hospital at the Posadskaya street, since doctors hadn’t accepted my staying at the neighbourhood centre.
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