There are times when you want to talk so badly, but can't finish a sentence. You start over and over again, but still your thoughts disappear somewhere all at once. I have close friends. I've been lucky enough to keep people I love in my life and yet I woke up to day with an aching feeling. I couldn't cope with it for a while . My greatest achievement, nurtured by my mum, is ability to freeze the feeling if i can't bear it. Freud would be astonished and probably would have said that I suffer from hysteria, but the thing is. After you use this strategy for a while you forget how to recognise what it actually is that you're feeling. Have you ever felt that? The confusion that you feel because there is a fierce battle going on inside and longing to be heard and yet you cannot say anything because you've got used to hide your emotions, even from yourself.
I am alone today. It's my day off from everything and everyone. I'm convinced that everyone should have a day like that. So after a dinner in a silence I texted the person who used to make me the happiest girl in the word. The same person used to make me suffer unspeakably . There are times when you do some stupid shit and there is no one around to stop you. I truly believe that if you feel like something has to be done then it has to be done . Even if you suffer later. I accept the consequences of my actions. at least with my mind. My heart ofter feels like a dog on a leash , like it;s being pulled somewhere it doesn't want to go. Even so.. There are people I love too much to resist that urge to believe at least for a sec that they feel the same thing. That they will answer this time. Amongst these people there is always one . The person that changed my life entirely . The person that i know will never come back in my life yet the person i still see in my dreams , still talk to as if he was here and whose messages somewhere deep inside I still hope to get someday.
There are times when you let yourself whine a little. It's like loosing a tight corset that stops you from breathing and take a deep breath finally. I've learned the hard way that you should always control the lengh of your sorrow, not the depth though. You should let yourself mourn you know. Feel grief, pain, sorrow... You can go down and hit the bottom , but you should always remember that you're doing that because YOU let yourself do that. Not because you've given up and drawn pitying yourself, no. Because you've given yourself a break for a while. But when this time is over you'll pull yourself together and start working hard to start over.
I guess i feel so hurt today, because It's my special person's birthday. I couldn't resist of writing a short message "Happy birthday! I'm glad you were born"
Surprisingly i got a short answer "You remembered! Thank you,dear". I know this is all i'll get for the next year or maybe even two years, and i know i'm going to read this message over and over again, trying to convince myself that there is at least a shade of the bond we used to have. And i also know it'll hurt like hell. But that's today. Today i'm loosing my corset and letting myself take a deep breath. Tomorrow is a day to work hard. No time for whining. But it's still today, isn't it?
