Hello, I’m Yulia, and I’m depressed.
I'm talking about depression here all the time. But I've never disclosed how it happened to me, what my path is and how I struggle with it. Interested? Here we go!
Once upon a time I decided that it's time to invest into my career and get a team leader position.
I had a good opportunity to start: I was assigned a great tech project. I worked 10-12 hours a day, spent my weekends working, worried all the time to not meet a deadline.
I succeeded: the project was deployed in time and looked great! But after that I got sick immediately: my body signaled me that I can't go on this way. I recovered in 2 weeks, but got the lesson learned: I decided to stop killing myself with the job.
It was late though: we went traveling first to Greece for a long weekend and then, in a week, to Asia for a month. In both trips I had literally no power to get up from the bed, but I was on rare vacation so made myself traveling, seeing things, doing sports and whatever people do having active vacation. No, the trips didn't end with the depression, but I didn't enjoy them almost at all. I don't even want to mention that I had stomach problems the whole trip (both of them actually) – this is how the body keeps saying "stop it!" but I didn't want to hear.
Then I was back to work, hard work. I still saw the new position at the end of the tunnel. So I had to solve every single problem in the team, answer every interrupt or question, lead juniors, manage projects, integrate new technologies and just be everywhere! I was appreciated by having the ability to do all this, but it was not enough.
Eventually I got my big project to lead. This time to lead only, no tech work from my side. I was too tired though to be happy about the fact. Moreover, the people I managed were not the easiest to make them do things, I knew that from the very beginning. I decided to take the challenge anyway to gain better management skills.
I started. I had to work with 5 teams simultaneously, manage tough people, failing infrastructure and other people falling and align several sources of truth.
The project was demoed in time, everything was ready for QA. But...
Symptoms
But at the same time things already were screwed up.
— I felt unappreciated working hard and not getting a promotion, while a lot of my colleagues were promoted and I was not.
— My manager told me I'm too young (being 29) to become a manager. Now I think he meant something else and was right that I was not ready, but back then... You can imaging how I felt like.
— A new manager was hired to the position I was dreaming of.
— I tried my best, but didn't manage to work with this new person in a satisfying manner. He wouldn't stop telling me I don't do enough, while I was doing everything I could and was tired constantly.
— I had no personal life, only a job. I stopped seeing friends, doing sports, going out, dancing and enjoying life. All I dreamt of was weekends, when I just could turn on some movie, eat tasty things and try to forget the stress at work. I had no power for anything working so hard.
— Covid-19 and the lock down had started already, so all the salary promotions were freezed. I felt underpaid and totally unappreciated for the hard work I performed.
— I started smoking a pack a day instead of my usual 5 cigarettes
— My concentration was lower than usual: I started making spelling mistakes and be distracted
— I take hormonal contraceptive, which also can cause anxiety and depression
Eventually I found myself waking up at 5-6 am, being already exhausted, willing to sleep, but didn't manage. I started crying all the time. With or without any reason. I started to hate people and my job. I could not get up from the bed all my spare time.
Pain!
On the demo day everything was on fire, of course. Product and other teams requested unplanned changes, some infra didn't work, some of the people I was leading again refused doing what we had to do.
The demo still went well, but at what cost! Some of the colleagues I was managing refused to do what I asked and told me ‘I work with you, not for you’. I took it hard — nothing strange, all I wanted and desired (power and authority) was ruined with these words.
The same day I told my manager I quit the project and took a vacation.
The week of vacation didn’t do its job: I didn't manage to get better at any way — I had no power at all, and the only thing I wished was to stay in bed. I cried all the time, though there was totally no reason. It was quite a hard time: we were on vacation, renting a hut in North Israel, my husband had a B'day and wanted to travel around the place, and I just could cry and stay in bed. It was even more unpleasant since we had no clue what's going on with me.
Everything changed when I got a phone call from a friend of mine: she had a depression background, and it took her a minute to understand what I was dealing with. She sent me a Beck depression inventory, which she received in Israeli clinic, and I found out that I had severe depression.
My first feeling was ‘At least I know what it is’, the second one was panic: how come?! What is wrong with me?! Why me?! Am I crazy?! What will people say?! I’m gonna be fired! I will never find a good job again! Antidepressants are drugs causing addiction! Depression cannot be treated fully! Depression was something that I heard of, but not something I faced, or something my close circle dealt with. It was like AIDs in my head. I was scared and ashamed of myself. What is more, I’ve realised, I have to go to a psychiatrist. PSYCHIATRIST!!! Am I a PSYCHO?!
Though I had therapy with several psychologists for years, I was terrified! Cannot even imagine who people who think psychologists are bad feel when discovering depression!!
Reasons
So how did I go crazy?! What happened to that cheerful energetic girl I used to be?! I analyzed the last 10 years of my life and was not surprised depression came: all those long years I was struggling heavily with super big (4 me) problems: I was sick for a whole year when I was 20, then I had to pass final exams and project at the university, got married unhappily, divorced, my Mom got very-very sick, I had to find a way to help my brother escape from Russian army, I moved to Israel — from a metropolitan city of Moscow to super small town in the dessert, I was in destroying unhealthy relationship for 3 years, I had constant visa problems, new job, etc. After all, I had a psychologist for almost a year, but they didn’t notice my coming depression. It might have happened due to the fact I fell in love with my husband and it gave me a lot of energy and butterflies in the stomach. Anyhow, what is important here is the fact that all of the events described are very hard emotionally (even when it’s good). Indeed, already 4 years before I was diagnosed with depression, I started losing hair and appetite, had no energy to do anything, got acne all over my face and experienced problems with sleep. I didn’t understand this signal of my own body though (as long as my therapist)!
Eventually I paid for it in 2020: the situation at work was bearable, but it killed me together with the previously accumulated stress. Plus, mind that it was not JUST work — I was actually disappointed with my life goal, the promotion. The experience I got and things I learnt were less important for me, while my actual goal was to prove that I’m better than others, to be more important for others, to be more outstanding. I had one more goal in my life, and I was regular to achieve the goals at any cost. Moreover, I concentrated all the efforts on one sphere – my job – and totally left other things that used to satisfy and make me feel important: dancing, drawing, public speaking. I was disappointed with myself (I didn’t manage to achieve it!) and this is what had broken me down!
I’m pretty sure I could have managed living without depression in case I would be healthy before it, but with this background I got into depression and medications. Btw, yes, I thought of suicide several times.
Psychiatrist and meds
It was time to act. The first thing to solve the prob is to understand how the whole thing works. So I googled. I found out immediately that I’m not alone, that many people live with depression without even knowing it, that it can be treated. This knowledge helped a lot. But how to heal? This was the key concern.
Meanwhile my vacation was over and I had to be back to work. To this awful place that led me into this situation! No, I could not. I had to take a sick leave. This could have saved me! The thought of not working for a while gave me power to act and calmed me down. I realised that I can handle it.
Fortunately, I got the sick leave easily, as well as the obligation to go to a psychiatrist. I’d realised already that it will be too hard to fight the disease without the precise diagnosis (as well as getting further sick leave days). So I decided to find a good psychiatrist at least.
I’d started with visiting the first available doctor for my insurance and heard ‘Severe depression. Take pills’ from them. I wasn’t ready to take the antidepressant though, since I was not sure how they work and what can be the possible damage/side effects. But I read a lot of urban myths and was scared.
But when the second and the third (paid one) doctors told me the same, I realised it’s serious and I’ve no choice. I had to learn how the brain works (on a high level, ofc), what antidepressants are made of, what kinds of them exist, how they affect the brain and so on. At the end of the day I had to admit that I had 2 options only: 2 years without work in some quiet place or pills. Another thing I learnt was the fact that if you take the pills as prescribed, the same time every day and exactly the dose given, the risk should be minimal. Side effects still were a common thing, so I read a lot of medications reviews to find the mildest antidepressant (AD) to start with.
At that time I had been suffering badly for a month or so already: I could barely sleep and totally lost appetite altogether with 7kg of weight (that was nice actually 😅). So the pills started being the light at the end of the tunnel and I was looking forward to getting the prescription like kids wait for Xmas.
Not surprisingly, no miracle happened. I felt no change in the expected 3 weeks since the first day of medicating. And after the max month. I got my dosage upgraded, which seemed a bad sign. But what was I if willing to return to normal life? I upgraded the dose gradually, taking a pause of ~5 weeks after each upgrade iteration. So eventually I got to the max dosage, and voila! After 3 weeks of this last upgrade (~4 months from the beginning of medicating) my sleep started improving and my appetite has returned.
No doubt though that small improvements in my condition had started to happen before that. After 2.5 months of medication I celebrated my sweet 30 as a queen in a villa with a pool and turned my hair to pink!
Psychologist
What helped me before AD was not still in action? Therapy! While reading about the AD, I figured out that negative reviews (by people who got depressed back after stopping medicating) were written by those who only took pills without fixing the root cause of the disease. By then I was already aware that depression is only a sign that something in your life is going wrong, something does not fit you.
So I decided to find a new psychologist to figure out all this shit I had inside causing my suffering. My brother advised me my current psychologist, but I had to wait ~3month till she had time to start consulting me. All that time before it happened I was checking the alternatives: I consulted with 6 psychologists, but only 2 were fine.
Eventually I started therapy with the one advised originally. Worth mentioning that by this time I’d started feeling better with the help of the pills. But after the first session I was ready to come back to work after 2 months of the sick leave!
After the second session magic happened: I let myself to be myself finally: act as I want, do what I ACTUALLY want, even if others think it much to be desired. Even if those others are myself.
E.g., I thought that desiring attention is a shame, smart girls are happy on their own. Writing blog in Insta and posting selfies are not for engineers. Just think how much of this and other kinds of stinky shit I had in my head!
But I wasn’t ashamed anymore, I started doing all those things, and found peace in my soul. It changed my life totally! Now I’m all in for implementing dreams into reality, even those you’ve always considered stupid! 💫
Also I had a dream of my sweet 30 party in a villa with the swimming pool, luxury and all of our friends. So I got it! And pink hair that I wanted since I was 16 🙈 It also helped me feeling I’m on the right way.
We’ve accomplished the therapy in 5(!) sessions only, and now I feel different (healthy). It happened not because I’m cool/smart/whatever or my psychologist is outstanding (though she is). It happened because I found the psychologist matching me and because of my will to work and change.
Coming out!
I didn’t tell anyone at work what was going on with me. Furthermore, the only people who were in were my husband, family and 2 closest friends. I was afraid to tell the rest. I thought people will start treating me like I’m crazy since depression is about not being healthy MENTALLY: if you are depressed, you’ve something wrong with your head. Moreover, people don’t know much about depression in reality. I was afraid I would never get any project or promotion if they will know what kind of disease I got. So I kept silent.
On the other hand, my other friends and colleagues didn’t understand what was going on. I was only extending my sick leave all the time, without explaining why and when I was going to be back. This uncertainty was satisfying people much less than any other possible news. People don’t like uncertainty. And they don’t like others creating it, so they stopped feeling sorry abt me and lost trust.
I didn’t realize that – I didn’t even think of that! But when I decided to be back to work, I had to face the fact I have to explain the cause of my 2 months absence. I’ve asked our HR for help, and miracle happened in our first zoom: I came out with my depression and she supported me! I was shocked she understood my condition and didn’t treat me like a crazy person. With her help, I managed to understand that being depressed is no shame! And ofc she helped me to come out to my colleagues, preparing them to hear that. Since then I went public about my diagnosis and would like to help people to not feel ashamed of the depression.
Ofc there were additional factors I skipped to make this super long story shorter: fixed day routines, diet, loads of systematic rest, walking/cycling every day for 30 min min, no toxic people around, 2 months of sick leave and ability to rest without work and stress, team change, lowering the promotion role in my life system (eventually I’m still just an engineer) and the biggest thing — tremendous support from my husband and family.
Also I had bad days, degradations, steps back, sleep problems, taking clonazepam periodically. It’s an essential part of the cure.
Summing up
My depression causes:
😭No proper resting system
😭Burnout at work
😭Lacking of sport
😭My job == my life (no hobbies and spare time)
😭Disappointing in my goal and myself
😭Accumulated fatigue and many years of stress
Treating methods:
😷Antidepressant + tranquilizer (first 2 weeks of medicating)
😷30 mins minimum of walking/cycling outside every day
😷Psychological therapy
😷Massages
😷Established daily routines (sleep/meals the same time every day)
😷2 months of vacation
😷Resting a lot
😷No stress and toxic people around
😷Proper family support
😷Team change at work
Timeline:
⏳Beginning: may 2020
⏳Unable to work: 3 months
⏳First affected from AD: 2 months from the medication start
⏳Sleep improvements: 6 months from the start
⏳Dosage lowering start: 9 months from the start
Summing up, I’m still happy it happened to me: otherwise I would not have started loving myself, found my dreams and would have lived a pale life, being just a ghost of someone else. Today my life, even though I’m still struggling with depression, is much better than a year before without it.
I hope you feel less lonely now, if you are depressed! I hope you now can believe that you don’t suffer for no reason and you have hope. I will be more than happy if my story will encourage you to feel less ashamed of your depression, ready to talk about it and maybe even go public!
If you have beaten your depression, please share what helped you! 🙏🏻
I’d like to say thank you to all those people talking and writing about depression and mental health! You help us find hope!
And, ofc, HUGE thanks to my family for support and patience ❤️
Be healthy ❤️