Altai trekking back in August 2020 has been a life-changing experience for me. After 10 days spent in wild nature, I felt like I would never be scared about anything anymore. I felt so invincible, so resilient, so fearless. However, after just a couple of months living in a civilized, highly developed world, my fears and subconscious programs started to pop up in my mind again, becoming even stronger and more empowered. I knew, I needed to escape a city for a little while, turn off my phone, go for a hike in a place, where's almost no one, but nature. I was so absorbed and enslaved by the civilization, that I was both: stressed out staying in the city and scared to leave it even for a short while. I had been postponing and delaying the escape until I started to feel very badly until my panic attacks returned to me.
And here I go again: my flight is tomorrow early morning, I can't fall asleep, I'm laying in my bed under the blanket, shivering and trying to get rid of all those poisonous thoughts about any kinds of disasters, that could (certainly couldn't) happen to me in the trip: crashing of a plane, getting lost in mountains, getting sick, being unable to return home, to Shanghai, catching a virus, … the list goes on and on.
This time a spirit of adventure took me to Xingping town, Yangshuo county, Guangxi autonomous region. Yangshuo county is one of the most famous destinations on the touristic map and one of the most picturesque locations in China a man can visit. The karsts, which were formed thousands of years ago by water and wind, have been taking millions of people's breaths away for many centuries.
I was dreaming about finding a small house in a village to get a good rest there from the city's noise and stress and, at the same time, to get in touch with locals more. Never I expected to find such a place on Booking.com. It was a guesthouse built literally on the mountain by Xingping town in Yangshuo county. His owner was born there 40 years ago, spent his childhood there, and now, as the place attracts more and more tourists, he reconstructed his home into a guesthouse. It certainly was the right decision: the house is almost always full of guests, even during the weekdays. However, to get there wasn't that easy for me: after landing at Guilin airport I had to take a bus to Yangshuo first, then another bus to Xingping town, then a ferry to cross a river, and at last, I was picked up by a house owner on his car. Overall, the trip from the airport to my stay was longer, than my flight from Shanghai to Guilin. It was such an adventure though! After blasting life in Shanghai, I saw another normal life in China: old dusty busses, tents instead of stations with a security guard, and very simple people living a simple life.
By arriving at my homestay, I immediately was invited for a lunch. Not speaking and reading Chinese well, I ordered the simplest Chinese meal: eggplants in soy sauce, shredded potato in sweet-sour dressing, and a bowl of steamed rice. Right after lunch, the owner of the house took me and another guest to the nearby mount (where normally you wouldn't allow to go as a tourist or you simply couldn't find it). It took us just 15 minutes to hike that hill, and from there the spectacular view had been opened to us: the beautiful karsts, Xingping town fading in clouds, and enigmatic Li river.
I couldn't find any information on the net about the spirituality of this place, nor any legends or myths about creatures, living there, but there was something: it felt like the place was invaded by different forces, that made it look so mysterious and incomprehensible.
After being back to the house, having another meal, while improving my listening and speaking Chinese skills (and, surprisingly, even understanding what people were talking about), I went to my Queen sized bed and, as my head reached a pillow, fell asleep.
The next day I went hiking another mount. Beautiful hill, from where you can take National Geographic worth pictures at the dawn, when the mist from mountains goes down to the river and the town, covering them both in a soft quilt, and the sun, as it rises, pierces that quilt with its golden rays, making the place even more miraculous.
I didn't know the route to that mount, even though the owner sent me the detailed guide on how to hike to the top: I didn't want to use my phone there at all. I decided that I would just walk, and the road would lead me to the place, where I suppose to be. I was walking through the orange and pomelo farms here and there, but I couldn't find any paths to the hill. In the end, being a bit tired, I met a woman and asked her how to climb the mount. She told me, that there's no way to climb that mount, but I can go for another one – Damianshan. Being frustrated, that I couldn't find a way to the mount, I gave up the idea of climbing it and went climbing another one - Damianshan.
It wasn't difficult to do so: good forest path, then human-made stairs with handrails, all pretty safe and easy, beautiful views all around, but I wasn't feeling easy at all: my heart was beating faster and faster, my breath was becoming shorter and shorter, the head was dizzying, fear was strangling and paralyzing me, brining within panic attacks again. I was climbing and crying, I felt sorry about myself, I clearly felt, that I lost the connection with myself again, that I couldn't trust myself again. Now climbing to the top was crucial for me: it was the fight fear VS trust. If I turned back, that would mean that I gave up on fear, making it even stronger, weakening the connection with myself, and humiliating myself. If I did it till the top, that would be proof of me trusting myself, my body, and nature, which would empower me, and would help me to ease my panic attacks in the future.
I did it till the top! It was such an amazing view from there, but I couldn't fully enjoy it: the battle was still on. When I was going down, I started to sob so hard! I couldn't believe, that this all started to happen to me again and how I was ignorant to myself in the city, making the connection with myself so weak. By that time I already didn't want to climb one more mount, so I just went back home.
When I did it back to the house, I realized, that the mount, which I was hiking, was actually the mount I was supposed to climb, but when I started my walk towards it, I simply confused it with another mount. This was such a strong inside for me! This is the way, I walk through my life: I know, where to go, I know, what I need, but on the way, I often get lost and I often think, that I'm walking the wrong path when I'm, actually, step by step, little by little getting to where I want to be.
Later, in the afternoon, after having a big pan with tofu and pijiu fish (which is a staple food of Guilin), the owner's wife took me down to Xingping town and recommended a walk down along the river. I listened to her, walked, and got to the place, which everyone, who ever lived, traveled, or just flown through China seen: 20 yuan note view. It was funny to see how the Chinese turned that place into the business: there was a platform, covered with fake plastic grass, big plastic 20 yuan note, a photographer with a huge objective, the tent with a PC and a printer, and a huge crowd of Chinese tourists willingly waiting for a turn to take a picture of 20 yuan view with 20 yuan note in hands, and print it out for 20 yuan. Many of them were curious about me, a very tall foreign woman, walking around there and waiting for the sun to set to take good pictures. I talked to many people there, while was waiting for the right time to take a picture. However, when you wait for the right time, it never comes; but when you are mindful and attentive to details, you suddenly see the moment and you make use of that moment (this is how I've gotten a new, beautiful screen wall on my phone).
The next day I decided to climb Laozhaishan hill, and on the way to it sneak into an old temple on another mount. It happened to me again: I was walking to the temple, as I thought, found another one the way, continued walking and searching, but later, meeting my new Chinese acquaintances from the guesthouse, I realized, that the place I was looking for was exactly the temple I just went to. Funny.
I wasn't returning to it, cause felt quite uncomfortable there, but decided to go for a mount, which made me feel even worse. It was clearly said on the plate by the mount: it's dangerous, stairs are old and slippery and they are often unsafe. But I was like: phh, I'm hiking not the first time, who are you scaring? I started to climb, first going through some graves (it's quite common in China to install graves on the mounts), then the stairs started to become higher and higher, less and less stable, more and more dangerous. Goodness, I wanted to give up so many times, while I was climbing it!!! I was overcoming myself again and again until I got almost to the top, where was the hardest and most dangerous part: climbing a vertical ladder. There, another important inside came to my mind. I could climb that mount till the top, it was just several meters left. Although was it worth it? Would I have enough mental power to make the way back (which wasn't less scary and dangerous)? There, being almost on the top of the hill, I gave up.
In many motivational books people write, that this is quite typical for humans, willing to achieve something: most of them give up when they've almost reached their goals. However there, on the mount it felt different to me: I felt like going to the end would have been a wrong decision for me. That this case, was something, that I couldn't go alone through, that I needed support. There I realized, how it is important to have a guru, a coach – a person, whom you trust and who will guide you through such dangerous, sharp, dark moments, who will light your way up, giving you emotional support and confidence. I wasn't blaming myself there as I turned back, I felt, actually, released as I took that decision and started to hike down. I didn't give up. It just wasn't worth it.
As a reward for such a difficult climbing, I took myself to a restaurant and tried there a new for me, but yet quite a common dish for South China – bamboo rice. Delicious!
The rest evening I spent with a new Chinese guest in the house, drinking different sorts of tea, talking about trips, culture, and even ethnic groups in China. It was such an intensive course of spoken Chinese for me, and it's still a great mystery, how I could even understand him. I guess, the magic of the tea.
The next day I was traveling back to Shanghai. Same way: ride, ferry, bus, bus, plane. On the way back home I suddenly started to panic again. Already sitting at the airport, waiting for my flight and crying (again), a friend reached me out and said such a thing, as he was climbing Laizhaoshan with me and listening to each and every thought in my mind. He told me, that it's not necessary to always rely only on myself and go through difficulties in life alone, thinking that this way, I strengthen my spirit. It is not true. Sometimes I really need a shoulder to lean on and a supportive hand. This created another powerful inside of my trip and made me realized what it is all was for.
I was going to that far, remote place, to challenge myself, to find trust, rebuild connection and fight fear, but this trip actually showed me, that such radical ways do not always work. I traveled far alone, but realized, that it's not necessary to solve my problems alone. Sometimes it doesn't work and make the case even worse. Yet, a helping hand, a supportive smile of a friend (coach, guru), and his belief, that together it's easier to go through thick and thin, can strengthen the spirit, change mood and attitude, help to overcome fears and insecurities, jump higher and achieve more.