how to lose weight and four easy steps
step one no beer every time you drink a
beer it's like eating seven slices of
bread that's a lot of unnecessary carbs
step two
portion control when eating out at a
restaurant cut your meal in half and ask
for a takeout container to save the rest
for later step 3 have your heart broken
and not just broken but shattered by a
girl who never loved you and never will
try to get your shit together and join a
gym start going to the gym regularly and
even though you don't know that much
about exercise and you're way too weak
to do pretty much anything but lift five
pound weights with the old people do it
until your sweat makes a puddle on the
floor then go home and go to bed and the
next day do it again and then again and
then again then go to work and listen to
stories of your ex-girlfriend fucking
around with gross and terrible people
stories from your coworker friends who
think they're doing you a favor
pretend that it doesn't bother you
pretend that being forced to see your ex
at work everyday isn't fucking killing
you pretend that everything's fine go to
the gym and make more puddles of sweat
buy books learn about different muscle
groups and how they work together plan
out your week of meals try to forget her
back to the gym or puddles of sweat near
a piece of shit you are a piece of shit
you are a piece of shit after the gym
one night go all the way up to the top
of the parking garage and walk all the
way to the back look out of the lights
of the skyscrapers of downtown and think
about how every single one of those
office lights represents a person try to
imagine how they feel what they're doing
then realize that most of those lights
are probably shining into offices with
no one in them realize you're alone that
you're staring at no one become
cripplingly depressed and try to locate
your car
go to sleep go back to work go to the
gym sweat freak the fuck out on your ex
the next day apologize
one day she wears the necklace you
bought her and tells you that you got it
from someone really special
that night you discover that Slayers
angel death might be the perfect song to
do squats to start to make friends at
the gym used to look down on bro nods
and fist bumps but since that's how gym
rats communicate that's become the
language you speak most often max and
you spot each other on Wednesdays Vinny
and you spot each other on Fridays
important not to forget that you're a
piece of shit work gym food sleep over a
note or fist bump some more sweat
puddles your body changes slowly then
all at once you hit your goal weight
pick a new one then hit it again you go
out and buy new clothes you recieve wave
after wave of compliments your ex tells
you that she's seeing someone else
fucking bullshit peace that night you go
to the gym do you run farther and lift
more than you thought your body was
capable of you go home and eat a single
chicken breast and steamed vegetable you
go to sleep you dream of a bottomless
black puddle no no there's a girl you
see a lot at the gym who always does
these weird leg exercises you've never
seen before you make it a point not to
look at her because you're overly
worried about looking creepy like that
guy in the blue shirt who never wears
underwear and always hangs around the
lat pulldown machine but you notice this
girl is always at the gym when you are
and seems to always choose the bench
next to you you turn up the Slayer and
concentrate on making your puddles
bigger at work your ex parades or new
boyfriend around flatly ignoring you the
entire time he's taller than you in
better shape than you and significantly
better looking than you
fucking bullshit
that night you benchpress double your
body weight you seek a photo of yourself
in the mirror and email to yourself with
the subject heading you are a warrior
the next day you are more disgusted with
yourself and you've ever been and you
delete it immediately
you make puddle after puddle after
puddle any single chicken breasts and
work and sleep over and over and over
and over and over and over and then
something different happens a night
comes when you're not the last person in
the gym it's you and the girl who does
the weird leg exercises you end up
walking out at the same time her name is
Melissa and she works close by she asks
you out to dinner on Friday promising
it'll be healthy the leg exercises are
pivoting curtsy lunges you start seeing
Melissa a lot both inside the gym and
out you had a couple cheat days to your
week you start getting a lot less sleep
your ex calls you late a night but you
don't answer one night you're walking
Melissa to her car and she says she
wants to show you something special you
both stand there in the dark looking out
over the lights of downtown isn't it
pretty
she says with all those lights you tell
her that you think it is but it also
makes you feel sad all those lights mean
nothing they're just shining into cold
lonely offices with nobody in them but
Melissa tells you that each light is an
empty office but they're only empty
because the people have all gone home
for the day each one's a person who's at
home happy with the one they love
you look at around the lights and she
smiles something in your chest expands
late one Sunday afternoon you're writing
out your rent check and realize it's
been exactly a year since you started
working out you think of all those miles
you've run those pounds you've lifted
and chicken you've eaten and bottles
you've made and it doesn't seem that bad
you realize that it's not about hitting
a goal weight or lifting weights
it's about weighting being patient
trusting that life will slowly inch
along and things will get better
after all change takes time but time is
all it takes
step 4 no fruit juice too much sugar
since a Formica
which magazine little integrity commerce
available come on
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