Only one day, Chuya comes to a deadly apartment and instead of carefully putting her hat in the closet, as he does every day, negligently throws it on the couch. He leaves a briefcase with documents and a mobile phone somewhere in the hallway, distracted from the shirt,
- things fly anywhere, he doesn't even look
- pulls out of the closet old, shabby jeans bought a million years ago somewhere in Hokkaido while working with Dazai, a dimensionless T-shirt with a horrible print long forgotten rock band (at what age did he like this?), sneakers and a sweater throwing out.
He only takes his wallet, keys and, unexpectedly for himself, a gel pen, leaves the apartment and comes to a not too cool rock club. It's noisy, funny, and surely selling drugs, and instead of cocktails, they pour frank shit, which is absolutely impossible to drink, but it takes away from one show. He sings music and jerks to the beat, screams, laughs and dances with some girl with green-acid hair; he drinks two of the most disgusting cocktails of his life, beats the face of some aggressive goat who can't be exposed by the guards, knocks down two tables with this goat and runs away from security himself, showing them his tongue in the doorway as a child. He goes out on a bright night in the metropolis, rides in a sleepy night train to the outskirts of the port and wanders through deserted alleys, on the roofs of warehouses and walls of houses, frightening random tramps half to death.
He walks directly on the water and the beach, kicking pebbles and garbage, and sometimes picking up rare shells to see them in the dim light of lanterns and throw them back, and then gets out on the edge of the closed pier, sits, hanging his feet over the water, and looks somewhere far away in the lights of coming and going ships. He presses one or the other leg, hunches, wraps himself in a sweater, freezing from the salty sea wind, but still rolls up his sleeve in order to bring out the greased hieroglyphs right on his hand, and then swings on the spot and for a long time, as if in oblivion, whispers desperately and anxiously:
- That moonlit evening the peony flower was brought to the shore by the surf, I picked it up, though I thought I didn't need the flower. I didn't leave him, I turned to the moon, I didn't leave him, I turned to the waves, I put him in the sleeve. That moonlit evening, a peony flower found on the sand soaked in the scent of my fingers and penetrated my heart. Why did I pick up the peony flower that evening on the shore?
And finally it can breathe.
***
"The Goldfinch - the third novel by American writer Donna Tartt, published in 2013. Winner of numerous literary awards, including the Pulitzer Prize for the 2014 Fiction Book. Named after the painting by Dutch artist Karel Fabritius "The Schegol" (1654), which plays an important role in the fate of the main character of the book and is used for the cover.
The significance of the constellations, unattainable for Chui:
Vir is a generous reward for all that has been done; a promise of harmony, peace, abundance and glory to a man who is pure and prosperous to others.
Crane (Gru) - kindness, mercy, righteous life; fragile harmony.
"In Search of Lost Time" - magnum opus by French modernist writer Marcel Proust, semi-autobiographical cycle of seven novels. He was published in France between 1913 and 1927.
Søren Obju Kierkegaard - the Danish religious philosopher and writer, mentioned in Character Song Chui (or rather, there mentioned Dazai - as "living with Kierkegaard"). Based on the doctrine of original sin, Kierkegaard defines human life as despair.
Despair, as a consequence of the sinful nature of man, is also seen as the only way to break through to God. Kierkegaard distinguishes between three types of despair. The first of them, "the despair of the possible" in the aesthetic man is associated with the fact that it does not meet his expectations.
In his consciousness, such a person tries to replace his Self with another Self, which has some advantages: power, mind, beauty, etc. Despair arising from the unwillingness to be oneself leads to the disintegration of oneself. Individual aesthetic pleasures are fragmented and lack unity. As a result, I "fall apart into the sand of the moment".
The peony in Hanakotoba's flower language symbolizes courage and courage.
The text uses an excerpt from Nakahara Tui's poem "The Sandy Coast of the Sea on Moonlit Night" translated by Alexander Dolin.