There are people who develop everything as if it were their own: healthy, long-term and stable relationships, family problems not only appear, but are resolved. But there are also those who have "everything is complicated". Either you can't find a couple, or the partners are "problem", or the relationship is broken off, or the couple is, but there is no stability and reliability, or it is not a couple, but a trio...
From a psychological point of view, the problem with intimacy is that some can withstand long and stable relationships, while others are afraid. They need to get close to each other, to distance themselves from each other, to ask for love and support, and to push them away.
The ability to build relationships has been built since childhood. Depending on what was the relationship with my mother, we form a type of attachment. On this very type of relationship depends on how we will behave in the relationship.
Scientists discovered this fact when they found out that children react differently to temporary separation from their mother. Psychologists could not resist the temptation to divide children into several types. Later it turned out that these psychological types determine how exactly a person will build a relationship of love.
1. safe type.
The mother left - the child was upset, the mother came and was happy. Such children are cautious about strangers, but if the mother is around, the child is able to communicate with a new person.
This type of communication is formed if the child has received sufficient emotional support and a sense of security from the mother. If the mother was reliable and predictable, the child concludes that "relationships are safe and enjoyable".
In adulthood, these children easily build relationships and are not afraid to trust their partner. They are able to withstand intimacy, securely attach themselves to another person and do not give up on the person they love about it or not.
2. avoidant type.
It doesn't matter what mom leaves, what comes. But such children are not afraid of strangers, they communicate with them calmly and easily. As if it doesn't matter who is near them.
Many mothers rejoice at this behavior and call their children "independent". Only these children are in despair. They were denied support when they needed it, and it hurt them so much that they learned not to ask. External "independence" is protection from the pain of rejection.
This type of protection appears in the child, for example, if the mother could not be there for her - she was ill or had to go to work early. Or the mother was physically present, but emotionally she was not interested in the child. This can happen if she was depressed or if the child was unwanted.
Avoiding type is also formed when the child is being cared for and controlled, but not sensitive to his or her needs. As in the joke: "Mom, why should I go home? Am I hungry? - "No, son, you're cold! So the child learns either not to understand his own desires, or to hide them from others (because nobody cares).
The conclusion from childhood is: "You can't trust anyone.
It is difficult to establish long-term close relations with them. They constantly run away - physically or emotionally. They do not have a habit of asking for support, they do not talk about when they feel sick. It is easier for these people when no one depends on anyone, when there is no one particularly important and meaningful. Or there is, but not for long. To get love and not to get too attached.
3. an anxious type.
These are children who were hysterical when they were separated from their mother. And when she came back, children from this group behaved indifferently or aggressively: as if they were offended by her absence and did not want to show that she was important.
This type appears in case of unpredictability of the mother: if she rejects it, she brings it closer, if she can praise the child once for the same action, and punish the child at another time.
The conclusion is simple: "intimacy is unstable, fragile and unpredictable.
Relationships for such people are always accompanied by a feeling of great anxiety. They are sensitive to any criticism, they are looking for a trick, they doubt the feelings of their partner. Yes, yes, the question "Do you love me?" 150 times a day is about this type of attachment.
Such a person spends a lot of energy trying to make everything around him predictable and stable. Such people are afraid of new things, clinging to the familiar, trying to secure themselves and double-check. It is so important for them to be consistent that they maintain even destructive relationships as long as they are not interrupted.
4. Disorganized type.
But these children are unpredictable: sometimes they repel their mother, sometimes they attract her, sometimes they ignore her. Logic in behavior was not found, it looked as if the children did not understand their desires.
Actually, this is how this type of attachment works: a person strives for intimacy, and at the same time fears it. This is what he reports to his perplexing partner through his behavior.
Signals of such people are contradictory, it is impossible to understand what they want. Immediate emotions are so exciting that they can hurt the partner or break off the relationship because they could not cope with their own feelings. It is difficult for them to comfort themselves and "slow down" their emotions.
This is the type that most often appears in situations of abuse. And for the child's psyche, "abuse" is not only aggression or intimidation. It is also indifference.
Parents of such children seldom gave signals of affection, so these kids simply do not have experience of relationships. For them, intimacy is a periodic outburst of strong, multidirectional feelings. Without any logic, but with a fair amount of pain.
Types of attachment should not be divided into "good" and "bad". Yes, the anxious type "strangles" with love, but such people know how to feel the importance of the other, to show their indifference. Avoiding type is beautiful in that it gives freedom in relations, develops interest in the world. And relations of this type can even be built, just at a certain distance. And with the representatives of disorganized type you will certainly not miss them!
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