Samoylov's day hasn't worked out since this morning. They quarreled with his wife, and now he was on the verge of divorce, and it was not very desirable to cross this line; his beloved neighbor blocked the exit the parking lot, and Samoilov had to knock at seven in the morning at his door and in polite and not so much expression to ask to move the car, in the meantime managing to argue with his neighbor's wife and his own, as both were clearly not delighted with the early rise.
And now, on Friday morning, when three of his friends went fishing, and one of them is on vacation somewhere in the Mediterranean, he is forced to take credit from sophomore students.
- Come on in," he said, "looking out the window with sadness at the magnificent weather.
A girl with very blond hair, dressed in a formless sweatshirt, slipped into the audience.
Samoilov smiled vindictively, still keeping his eyes on the window.
- Anna? Your name is Anna, right?
- Anna," the girl nodded. - Anna Kiseleva.
- Wonderful, - smiled Samoilov and immediately settled down. At this rate, he will look like a perverted maniac. - Nice weather today, huh?
- Yes..." Anna said carefully.
- But it's a little hot, isn't it?
- Yeah..." she didn't understand what he was getting at.
- Anna, do you take buses?
- I ride.
- Imagine: you ride in the bus, and then you get hot. What will you do?
The girl looked at the professor as crazy.
- Well... I'll open the window.
- Wait," Samoilov nodded satisfactorily. - And now calculate the changes in the aerodynamics of the bus caused by the opening of the window.
- What? What?
Samoilov repeated.
- Well... er...
- Goodbye, Anna," the professor's face is the most radiant of his smiles. - Come to the rehearsal.
Similarly, several more students were swamped, and as their mood spoiled, the mood of Samoilov himself steadily grew. He was already thinking about doing the rest of the credit when another test subject came into the classroom.
- Andrei," he smiled as he passed the test. - Andrey Sergeev.
The boy's face was just shining with happiness. Compared to him, Samoilov looked like a dull, dull cloud in the clear sky.
- Are you glad to be counted? - He smirked.
- No, the guy snorted and immediately recovered: - I mean yes, ofcourse But not just it. I will get married. Today we will carry an application to the civil register office.
"You get married... And I'm getting a divorce... - thought Samoilov. - Okay, one last time."
- Well, he nodded. - Then we quickly deal with the credit, and run to the civil register office.
Andrei nodded.
- Imagine that you are riding in a bus.
- I imagined.
- It got hot for you. What will you do?
- I will take off my jacket.
- No, it is very hot.
- Well... then the T-shirt.
- No, it's really hot.
- Like in Hell in a frying pan?
- Approximately.
- I'll take off my jeans.
- What? - Samoilov bowed his head sideways, looking at the guy.
He calmly withstood his gaze.
- Viktor Gennadyevich, I'd rather be fucked by all the grandmothers of the bus, but I won't open the fucking window.
"Reported, you lousy bastards!" - Samoilov noticed to himself, but now he was worried about something else.
- What grandmothers, Sergeyev?
- The old ones, with seedlings - the guy explained.
- What seedlings? - Samoilov felt that his eyes are slowly crawling on his forehead.
- Well, tomatoes there, cucumbers...
- And you're categorically against the window? - it all started to look like a fascinating game of who's gonna kill who. While Samoilov, inspired by the victories over his four classmates, did not give up.
- Yes. Insects will come in.
- Insects..." the professor repeated, smiling. - Well, then the window was opened by one of your classmates. For example, a fly flies in and comes right to the seedling...
- I'm going to kill him! - Without letting the professor finish, Andrei categorically stated.
- What kind of murder?!
- Ritual.
- Ritual?! - asked Samoilov again, beginning to doubt the mental health of the student.
- Well, yes, - he confirmed. - At night, on a full moon in the cemetery, I will burn a fly at the stake, reading the prayer of exile of the Devil.
- The Devil? Did the devil dwell in the fly?
- In general, he inhabits mosquitoes... - Sergeyev said, as if justifying himself. - But in our case, it is better to be safe, right?
- Okay! Let it be so! - Samoilov wasn't going to give up, either. - You lit a fire that raised a pillar of flame two meters high. Calculate...
- Two minutes!
- What "two minutes"?
- I'll have two minutes to put it all out, otherwise the pipe.
- Why?
- The fire will start and the dead will come out of the graves to punish me.
- Why? Why? - Samoilov almost doomed to ask.
- Well, if you had been set on fire, would you be grateful?
- Okay! - the professor snapped at the scream. - Behind you runs a crowd of dead people with garlic, aspen stake, holy water, your test. They run with speed...
- I'm gonna fight them with my bare hands for the test!
- Okay! One of the zombies, the one with your scoring, starts to run away from you, and the aerodynamic properties of the scoring...
- And in the wind or against the wind?
- What difference does it make?! - shouted outraged at Samoilov. - Against. What will you do?
- Bite.
- Who should I bite?
- A nurse.
- What kind of person?
- Well, from a mental hospital.
- What the hell kind of psychiatric hospital is she from?
- Well, the city must have... - Andrei shrugged. - You know, about twenty kilometers from here? Such a yellowish building. He still had a little of a roof sagging.
- Where did this mental hospital come from?
- Well, it was built thirty years ago...
- In your story, where did it come from?!
- Well, the medics came when I set fire to the cemetery and took it away. I must have been breathing gasoline, so I started seeing dead people's aerodynamic vision...
- Get out of here! - couldn't handle Samoilov.
- And you're gonna give me a pass?
https://ficbook.net/readfic/3322642 (original text)