Trying to forgive someone else is trying to get up above him.
It is thought that your forgiveness is very important.
It is a refusal to admit that you are equal in general. And if the relationship is somehow wrong, then either it is, and okay, or there is a share of your responsibility, too (usually there is always, and a big one).
This is a refusal to admit that something can develop in life in a way that is not what you want it to be.
Trying to forgive someone else leads to the wrong place. They attach you to a person and hold you. It seems that you have to find the strength to forgive him. And in fact, you have to find the strength to lag behind him.
The use of forgiveness techniques can look like this - once strained, breathed, like forgiven one, but the scheme as you think and act remained the same. And you will repeat them over and over again - and again you will be offended with a new person, like a new one, but in fact - all this is the same thing.
I seem to forgive you, and the euphoria in the crown took you high, you go like a proudly raised head for a while, and the fall will hurt in the next real situation. And again to wander between three pines. Then I'll get tired of forgiveness, and the crown will grow even more - "I'm just the one who gets all the luck, I'm the queen.
An attempt to rise above another person in resentment is expressed as follows:
"I am smarter than you, smarter, more conscious, more spiritual, I know "how to treat a good person", "to be faithful", "to be a real man/woman/parent". I'm stronger, so I'm trying to forgive you as long as you're indifferent, cold guy out there doing your life. I will be offended and push you through until you come and give me compensation.
You're addicted, you're tormented, you're angry, you're miserable, you're a victim. You can't think for years. And the other one lives his life in peace.
But you are stronger and smarter in your head and during all these practices of forgiveness, you condescend to him that you forgive him. As if he needs it at all.
This is the crown and the Winner - I will sulk or despise him and show him this (or just do it in my head) until he wins! Until he notices, he won't understand that I'm right, won't come, won't apologize. Although there is no 100% influence on the other person, and he may never apologize, and you will hang for years. And if he apologizes, then your significance for him will become lower, it is still low after these offenses.
Maybe he will never want to communicate and he will be disgusted at the thought of you. And how many stories, when people are offended by someone for decades.
It is also the crown of the Treasure - I am smarter, wiser, more spiritual, more correct, I know how people should communicate, I will teach him or hint at the occasion, or through acquaintances pass him on.
And the crown of the Savior - I am stronger than him, he is damaged (for example, he thinks that the reason is that he was disliked in childhood, or the last wife made him so), I will forgive him, if he is so weak and so did to the person who loved him.
Crown (psycho-protection) gives you permission to continue to attack the person (mentally or deed).
Instead of your own happy parenthood, the war begins. Instead of realizing their own weaknesses, the search for the reasons why the abuser is so weak, bad, goat, devalued begins.
There is no point in resentment if all this junk is kept inside.
It will all sit inside and manifest itself either with each new round of relationships specifically with this person (when he or she reappears and says or does something new, unexpected, rude), or in all-new relationships with other people.
Here's the trick.
When you make lotions, then you have to go back to the problem over and over again.
And there is already sunset and already old age, and with children and grandchildren also resentment and claims.
And if she was very offended with her ex-husband, and worked it out by means of forgiveness, not a change of internal settings and understanding of what was real in the relationship, in the following relations it is also almost guaranteed that everything will be bad pretty quickly.
Also because in the new, necessarily happy (in his head, and no matter what another thinks there) you want to get some compensation for the old unhappy. And to draw a beautiful picture for people. And there will be an immediate idealization, and very quickly will begin to beg and pull out signs of attention and the right attitude. And then again the tear and devaluation.
Reading out resentment, ultimatums, scandals - it's pressure, manipulation, it's a variant of torture guns, forceps, and rods.
In fact, just removing torture guns in any relationship - at the start, in the middle, after the divorce - works wonders. Point by point you can work on it for the beginning. Even without reading other articles.
All of them reduce the importance in the eyes of another person, kill love and friendship, lead to the cooling and unwillingness of others to contact and do something of their own accord.
Those who are offended are the weak ones, and they are the ones who need to work on themselves, not those who are supposed to have offended. They were offended by themselves. Because inside it is a mess.
To be continued in the next part: https://zen.yandex.ru/media/id/5d233fa7b15a9d00ad743d41/the-technique-of-forgiveness-part-3-5d94febec31e4900b2f96679