Divorcing is difficult, but at such a delicate time, the biggest spill-over effects are likely to be on the children. You must be able to tell them that you will not stop being present.
Children and teenagers
If the parents separate: how, when and what to say to the children
The communication of the separation to the children is a nodal point of the separation path of the parents, who, even if taken from their own sentimental travails, should put this communication in the foreground. The children have already understood the family tensions, indeed they have breathed them, but it is up to them to be informed of the decision of father and mother, as well as being reassured of the changes that will involve the life of the whole nucleus.
The impact of separation on children.
For children, young or old, not being prepared for the events that precede and follow the separation of parents can pose a risk to their growth and their emotional-affective stability.
The loss of references and habits can make children more fragile, disoriented with respect to new life and changes in relationships, especially with the nonparent parent and his family of origin.
The marriage contract can be dissolved, being a parent is a responsibility that does not expire!
How do children react to parental conflicts?
Given that children perceive, from the very beginning, when things are not going well among adults, if the stress associated with the conflict situation makes it difficult for one parent to accept the anxieties and fears of the children, it is useful that the other partner, take charge of them, or that both ask for specialist help, to protect them from the destabilizing effects of conflict or distressing silence.
What to avoid them?
Often, parents, so angry at each other, use their children, more or less consciously, involved in their clashes, producing a sort of "triangulation".
It is a good rule to keep in mind that children should not act as:
Intermediaries between parents
Reconciles
Capri scapegoats
Confident of either or both of them
School age (6-10 years)
Children in this age group, faced with domestic tensions, are struggling with the need to find explanations for what is happening, and tend to blame themselves for misunderstandings among adults.
Why is it important to talk to children?
The "caregiver", i.e. the person who personally takes care of the growth and development of the child, from the first days of life, is his "reference figure", and often coincides with the mother.
One of his main functions, is to instill confidence in him, and explain that what is happening, has nothing to do with his responsibility. This helps to give him peace of mind and support.
Among the most frequent reactions, in this age group, stand out:
Difficulty concentrating,
Falls back on the school surrender, since the mind is occupied by other thoughts
To follow:
Sadness, guilt, desire for reconciliation between father and mother, whims, regressive behaviour, greater requests for attention, lies, possible eating disorders, nightmares, difficulties in falling asleep or early awakening.
In pre-adolescent and adolescent age (11-14/ 15-18)
Older children have a more active role and are aware of the possibility that their parents, too, can separate, also through a confrontation with peers, starting from the end of kindergarten.
In these age groups the reactions are different:
They do not lend themselves to being "used" as intermediaries,
They can take sides against each other, like opposing both.
There may also be a desire not to meet the parent who leaves the house, especially if there is already a new partner-substitute with or without their own children.
What about them?
Communication is an act due to children from their parents.
It is appropriate that both mum and dad are present in this delicate phase. It is appropriate to communicate that both are in crisis with each other and the love of a time has died as a couple, while the one as parents remains unchanged.
Reassure them that they can always refer to it. More intimate details, in this first phase, are improper and useless. Time will help to better understand and deepen the questions of the children. Mutual devaluation should be avoided, rather than self-accusations. This is not what the children need, but reassurance that someone will take care of them.