Everyone wants to live life as they want to. However, as social animals, we often need to think about the thoughts and feelings of others. The people around us always ask us to make the decisions and choices they want us to make, to make life decisions small enough to consider the thoughts and emotions of others, at the same time, but often ignore our own true feelings.
Finally, we will live to be what others want us to live to be.
In psychology, this behavior is called emotional blackmail: in an intimate relationship, one ignores the other's feelings and interests and uses emotional means and the other's emotional weakness to control them, thus prompting the other to make decisions that meet their own requirements.
Therefore, to live your life as you want it to be, you must understand and get rid of the control that emotional blackmail has over the US.
Emotional blackmail
In the book "Emotional Blackmail," written by Susan Ford, a well-known American psychologist and psychotherapist, there is a deep analysis of the behavior of emotional blackmail and provides a series of coping strategies. Susan worked as a therapist, mentor, and counselor for many Southern California Mental Hospitals and medical institutions, and for countless people to solve the psychological problems. And the concept of” emotional blackmail " was also first proposed by Susan.
In 1978, Susan published her first book, The Betrayal of innocence, in which the issue of child abuse was highly regarded by society, and she realized that she could influence people's lives through writing. Since then, she has published books such as "men who hate women and women who love them", "toxic parents", "persistent love", "the demon of money", "emotional blackmail", "when your lover is a liar" and "toxic in-laws".
American author John Bradshaw once commented on Susan: "I think Susan is one of the most important healers of our time..........”
For many people, Emotional Blackmail is not a strange experience, basically, in our lives have occurred, but many people do not understand this concept.Whether as extortionists or extortionists(in fact, most people have had both blackmail and blackmail experience), we should comprehensively cognitive-emotional blackmail, and by changing to deal with and avoid the occurrence of emotional blackmail, and ultimately make the choices and decisions you really want to live as you want.
Dissecting emotional blackmail
“In an intimate relationship, one wants everything to be in its own way, at the expense of the other's interests and feelings, " Susan said in the foreword to the emotional blackmail. This is not only bad communication but the strength of the two sides of the rivalry. This is an act of emotional blackmail'."For example: because of the objection of parents, and forced to break up with the object of love; under the pressure of the husband, the wife had to give up his career.......
This emotional blackmail process is generally divided into six stages: demand, resistance, pressure, threat, yield, restart.
Requirements
Extortionists ask extortionists for their own ideas：
L parents oppose our relationship and ask us to break up；
L the husband asks his wife to concentrate on the family and is not allowed to go out to work to develop his career；
Resistance
Extortionists are not willing to agree to comply with the demands made by extortionists at the expense of the interests of extortionists or against the will of extortionists：
l we don't want to give up the lovers we love；
L the wife does not want to be a housewife all her life, she wants to pursue her career and achieve self-independence；
Pressure
When you feel the resistance of the blackmailer, the blackmailer will not consider the feelings of the blackmailer but will force the blackmailer to change his mind. They will say their own requirements for each other is good and stressed that if the other side does not obey, is the other side of the mind and heart problems(in this process will give us a variety of labels, such as: selfishness, unfilial, irresponsible and so on）：
L parents said: Our relationship with Ben is not appropriate, they will not agree with us together, and it is all for our good, if we continue to communicate is to their great unfilial；
L the husband said to his wife: "you as the mistress of this family, you should for our relationship, for our children, for our family and give up everything, you want to go out to work this idea is extremely irresponsible betrayal!"！”；
This creates a sense of guilt for the blackmailers: a sense of“I should compromise” and a sense of“uncompromising consequences."
Threat.
If the pressure does not allow the extortionist to succumb immediately, the extortionist will be quite angry and will let the extortionist know what will happen if he does not obey：
L parents said: "If you don't listen to us, and you want to continue this relationship, then we cut ties, and I will not leave you a penny of the inheritance!"！”；
L the husband was very angry: “if you insist, then we will divorce, my lawyer will let you get a penny, and I will let you never see the children!"！”；
This threat makes blackmailers have a strong sense of fear.
Yield.
Under the pressure and threat of extortionists, fear, responsibility and guilt have completely disintegrated the resistance of extortionists. In order to maintain the balance of this relationship, the extortionists have to give in to the extortionists：
L in the face of parental pressure and threats, love and filial piety can not be reconciled, eventually, only regret to break up with their loved ones；
L Out of responsibility for the family, children and marriage, but also out of fear of threats to the husband, the wife eventually chose to compromise；
Reboot.
The extortionists get rid of the dispute with the extortionists by giving in, and at the same time return the relationship back to intimacy. However, the extortionists who succeeded found a way to bring the extortionists to their knees: emotional extortion. Their mode of getting along has been formed:by pressure and threat to let the other side to yield, so as to achieve their desired goal. In later life, the drama of emotional blackmail will be repeated in this relationship.
Coping with emotional blackmail
We are aware of the whole process of emotional blackmail, and we are deeply aware of the impact of emotional blackmail on our lives.So, how to deal with emotional blackmail?
In "emotional blackmail," Susan teaches us a coping strategy-an SOS strategy.SOS strategy has three main steps: Stop (stop), calm observation (observe) and develop strategy (strategize).
Stop it.
When we face emotional blackmail, the first thing to do is not to respond to any of the demands of the extortionist, stop and " do nothing."And by way of delay(such as the bathroom, drinking water, etc.) to find excuses from the scene. Because we need to give ourselves some time to think, away from the pressure, and not let the extortionists control our emotions by pressure.
Keep an eye out.
After withdrawing from the emotional blackmail drama, he becomes a bystander, calmly observing himself and each other.
First, think about the demands of the blackmailer
l What are their requirements?(This requirement to me: doesn't matter?Against our principles?Big deal?）；
l How did they make such a request? (Is it love? Or threatening or impatient?）；
l if we do not immediately compromise, what do the extortionists react? (Their demeanor, intonation, movements, expressions, etc.）；
Making decisions based on answers
L if it is an inconsequential claim, it can choose a conscious compromise or a conditional compromise in accordance with the manner and response of their claim；
l if it is contrary to the requirements of our principles, it must adhere to their own position, can not compromise；
l if it is a major requirement (marriage, future, etc.), it is recommended to increase the time to think carefully, do not have a hasty decision.
Second, think about our own response to the demands of the extortionist.：
l What do we think?(Our first reaction is compromise or resistance?）；
how do we feel?(The first feeling of hearing a request is anger?Threatened?Annoyed?Overwhelmed?Terrified?
l What is our tipping point?(Emotional extortionists use words, expressions and gestures, etc., through a variety of ways in our hearts to arouse a special Echo, so as to directly make concessions to the requirements.Such as: shouting, forced door, alas, refused to communicate.....）
Finally, connect your own reactions:I don't want to promise each other, but when the other party___ _ _ (yelling, slamming the door, sighing or refusing to communicate, etc.), I feel____ _ (angry, threatening, evil or fear, etc.).
We have to figure out how our instinctive responses are connected to our emotions, because the extortionists are using those connections to control us.
Develop strategy
Through calm observation, we made our own decisions, and clearly recognize their own instinctive reaction and emotional connection, the next thing to do is: tell the other side of our decisions, and according to the other side of the reaction, formulate the corresponding strategy. This changed the past:the practice of being controlled by emotional blackmailers because of the connection between instincts and emotions.
Non-defensive communication
Non-defensive communication is about not defending yourself and your decisions or explaining them.Because defensive communication can easily lead to disputes between the two sides, thus making the atmosphere more tense provoke more emotional reactions.
When we say our decisions, no matter what the other person does or what label they put on us, don't argue or argue. Just use non-defensive communication to tell the other side of their own decisions.
Of course, in this process, we certainly do not suffer. For we must not only be uncompromising under the influence of fear, responsibility, and guilt, but also suppress anger in the unwarranted accusation and desire of the other. Therefore, we can reinforce our position by insinuating ourselves that“I can bear”.
In exchange
We use non-defensive communication to stick to our position, but also to some extent, to make some commitments to the other party, so that the other party is easy to accept, it is easier to put aside hatred. After all, no one likes to retreat unilaterally. For example the wife, while maintaining her job, assures her husband that he will return home every day on time.
Using humor
In the process of communication, humor can be an effective tool to help us express feelings about each other's behavior, but also to perfect the awkward and tense atmosphere.
Get rid of emotional blackmail
By doing so, we can respond very quickly in the face of emotional blackmail. But even so, it's hard to really relax in our hearts. We knew we were doing the right thing, but we couldn't help but feel insecure and guilty about rejecting each other's demands.
That is because: although we do not compromise each other, the fear, sense of responsibility and guilt that the other imposes on us remain. Therefore, in order to get rid of the influence of emotional blackmail, we must lift the emotional control over US.
Relieves fear
L first of all, in many cases, we feel the fear is actually derived from those dangers that do not necessarily exist. Therefore, we need to control our consciousness, try to think in a positive direction.
l second, we must understand our own values, and know clearly what our own ideas really belong to us, and what is imposed on us by external forces. In this way, in the face of others on our evaluation and not recognized, in order to calmly face.
finally, in the face of each other's anger and threats, you can do empathy: stand in each other's position to understand how these anger and threats are powerless. Because, as an unwarranted proponent, when they are rejected, they are like a child of fear, only through anger to disguise the surface of the powerful.
Relieved emotions
In "emotional blackmail," Susan says: "responsibility comes not from fear, but from parents and schools, influenced by religion, politics and culture. What makes the situation more complicated is that we constantly add new standards of judgment to our lives.”
So, when you feel a strong sense of responsibility, ask yourself three questions: do we believe in the absolute need to put the needs of others before our own needs? Do we have to give everything for others? Are we always the last to consider ourselves?
If your answer is yes, then you should examine and change the beliefs you have long held to.
To lift the spirits of sin.
The emergence of guilt is essentially a manifestation of one's conscience. Emotional blackmailers, however, often accuse us of“wanting to add to the sin,” thereby creating an excessive sense of guilt. How, then, to distinguish between true guilt and the guilt of others deliberately incited?
In "emotional blackmail," Susan provides us with the answer: "in a relationship, when a sense of guilt arises, we ask ourselves whether my actions were malicious. Is my work cruel?Are my actions abusive to each other?Is my work insulting or derogatory? Did I inflict physical harm on the other person?”
If your answer is no, then it is clear:you have an excessive guilt!！
Throughout the whole process of coping with and getting rid of emotional blackmail, the most important core is to change: change our inherent thinking ideas, change the behavior patterns of the past, change the subconscious mind.
In "emotional blackmail," Susan stresses the importance of change: "'change' is the most frightening word.No one likes change, almost everyone is afraid of it. Most people want to avoid it. However, our world would not be any different without changing behavior patterns. Ideas do not change anything, and even if we knew we should not act destructively, that idea would not stop us from acting. Constant nagging or begging for change on the other side will not work, we must act, and we must be the first to brave the new direction.”
Therefore, if we want to completely break away from emotional blackmail and live in accordance with our own thoughts and feelings, we cannot sit and wait for others to change, but to start with the change of self, and you will find that miracles are really happening, and we can really live life as we want