There is a famous psychological experiment:
Let a class of students take a simple exam. Because the exam papers are simple, everyone scores very high.
Then the teacher will write a comment for each student, and some of the students' comments are to praise their intelligence and talent: your IQ must be very high!
For the other part of the students who take the test, it is to focus on their efforts: you must work very hard.
Most students are happy with the reviews. Later, the teacher will give a more difficult test question, and the student decides whether or not to continue to answer the question.
Then I observed the two groups of students, who showed a completely different reaction.
Children who are praised for their high talents will tend not to continue to complete difficult questions, they will be more worried about failure.
- Anyway, I have already been recognized. If I have tested it, I am sorry for my talent. The only way to keep praise is to stop taking risks. These children have lost confidence in continuing to challenge.
Others who are trying to be praised will be more willing to try new challenges, and they believe they can work hard to meet the challenge again.
This experiment tells us that when we try to praise children, we should praise the children's efforts in the process because the effort is acquired by the child, and the talent is given and uncontrolled.
Therefore, the way to really help the child to build self-confidence should be that the parents describe the process of the child's attempt to the child and tell the child: "I saw your efforts."
4. When you make a mistake, you need to praise and encourage
If parents clearly see that the child has failed or made a mistake, it is not easy to praise.
Many parents' first reaction is to blame the child's mistakes, and some parents may even regret sighs because of the child's failure. This is actually a very bad way for children to grow up, and it is destroying the confidence of children. In fact, the more the child fails, the more opportunities parents have to encourage their children!
For example, suppose a child wants to make a three-pointer in a critical moment in a basketball game. If the ball goes in, probably everyone knows how to praise the child. But now we have to assume that the ball has not entered...
At this time, if you are the child's parents, what should you say to the child after the game?
At this time, as a parent, never express your disappointment, even if it is "too bad" or "unfortunately it is a little bit worse", it is best not to say. If parents want to help their children build confidence and make him more confident in the next three-pointer, then it should be said: "A good try!" to praise the child's spirit of challenge.
If the child is serving the dishes, the table is broken at home -
Don't say: Why are you so careless? !
And to say: Thank you for helping my mother! Be careful not to scratch yourself next time.
For example, when a child solves a problem, carelessness is not correct -
Don't say: It's a pity to lose points because of carelessness!
And to say: I believe you will not be careless again next time!
I especially hope that every parent can get used to this way of talking. If the child fails, parents can also praise the encouragement of the child, then it will not hurt the child's self-confidence.
And parents can also add a question behind the encouragement to further guide his thinking and communication.
For example, you can say: "When you use the counter-evidence method is a good solution method? What was your specific idea at the time? At what step did you encounter difficulties?"
This way is actually a signal to the child, although the result fails, but the parents are concerned about the process of things, not the accusation of the failure results.
In this way, we may have more opportunities to communicate. Parents use an encouraging attitude to create more possibilities for communication, and children do not need to justify failures and mistakes because he is not blamed. The next step is to find the answer together and discuss how to solve the problem at hand.
5, the values of parental judgment profoundly affect children
In addition to the praise and encouragement mentioned above, in order to help children build up their self-confidence, they must let their children see and think about his life more comprehensively. It also requires parents to give encouragement from multiple angles to guide other children's observation and thinking.
As we said at the beginning, the evaluation system in the school is often very simple. Children with good academic performance and extroverted characters are often set as models.
Suppose a child has a particularly good academic record and is a senior captain. But this child will be very arrogant when he gets along with other students. He often shows off that he is very good. In school, I will also laugh at those children whose grades are not good, who are stupid and complain that others are dragging their hind legs.
This kind of child may listen to the teacher's words, and the score may be the first in the class, but if measured by the personality scale, it must be countdown. But the reason why children become like this is most likely because parents and schools only use academic performance as a measure.
