In an ever-changing society, where marriages decrease and divorces increase, what does a solid couple relationship need? And how can a therapist intervene to help a couple in crisis?
In the course of the article we will illustrate some fundamental dimensions of the so-called pact of couple, often source of dissatisfaction and conflict, knots on which to work in therapy for the definition of a new quid por quod.
Thus began a famous novel by Tolstoy: "All happy families look alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Paraphrasing this famous quote, we could say that even every unhappy couple is unhappy in a different way.
Each couple relationship, in fact, is characterized by a specific "couple contract" or - according to Jackson's definition (1977)- "quid pro quod coniugale", largely implicit, which contains the agreements between partners regarding the definition of roles and rules of relationship.
This pact is built over time, through a process of mutual influence: everyone, in fact, brings with them a system of beliefs and expectations regarding the life of the couple that comes from the family of origin and previous experiences of love, as well as social and cultural values of reference. In particular, the various phases of the life cycle may require a revision of the quid pro quod in order to achieve a more functional structure to the challenges that the specific phase poses to the couple.
The rapid social changes that have occurred in recent years have rendered ineffective the references and values that prescribe roles and rules, especially on the basis of biological sexuality: just think how the model of the woman who takes care of the house and children while her husband works is no longer valid in the face of the growing number of couples and families in which both partners have a job!
What, then, are the dimensions of the couple contract necessary for the good functioning of the relationship?
Which areas should the therapist observe and consequently work to help a couple in crisis?
According to several authors, it is possible to identify certain dimensions:
- Organisational models
This dimension includes the agreements relating to the balance between family and work system, for which the contract usually provides for a symmetry in roles, an equal importance of the work investment of the partners and an equal responsibility towards domestic work. However, an imbalance may arise in this area to the disadvantage of women, who often find themselves caring entirely for the family in addition to working outside the home or progressively giving up their careers when the children are born. In this context, the contract is still very much affected by traditional models, whereby the work of women is considered a personal benefit while that of men acquires greater value because it is responsible for the economic livelihood of the family.
- Power and equality
The most functional couples are those in which a feeling of complementarity is maintained in dealing with the various tasks, but also of equality and shared leadership. In this context, equality is not determined by a division of tasks in equal measure, but by the feeling that each one takes on certain responsibilities and that the contribution of each one has equal value.
- Cohesion and adaptability
According to Olson's model, working pairs are those with intermediate levels of both cohesion and adaptability. The first, in fact, refers to the ability to find a balance between closeness and respect for separation and individual differences; the second, however, refers to the ability to maintain a stable structure but also able to adapt to changes in the phases of the family and individual cycle.
- Communication processes and expression of emotions
According to Gulotta (1976), couples with a stable-satisfactory relationship are those in whom communication is clear, coherent and who tend towards mutual collaboration. There is also clarity regarding the way in which feelings of love, affection and care are expressed to each other, as well as the ability to access a level of intimacy where one opens oneself to the other with respect to one's own feelings and authenticity.
- Problem solving
It refers to the ability to face and solve together the problems that may arise, through a process that starts from the shared identification of the problem, goes through the bargaining and arrives at its solution. In dysfunctional couples, there may be difficulties at any point in the process, sometimes already in the identification of the problem, especially when poor communication and the low level of differentiation prevent the expression of their feelings and points of view with respect to a theme. Again, there may be a tendency to close problems prematurely in order to avoid the dreaded conflict, or the application of the same solution to all problems.
The therapist then has the task of helping the couple to "change contract without changing partner"!
It is important, in fact, that the therapist has in mind the evolutionary framework of the life cycle, to redefine the problems of the couple as transitory difficulties and valuable opportunities for change, opportunities that allow to review the initial pact and recalibrate it on the basis of current needs. Going back over the history of the relationship to understand how it has developed and shaped over time and the individual one to understand what impact the parental model has had on that of the couple are important steps in this work of re-contracting that also help to make more explicit the rules that everyone wants.
Only in this way can we help the couple to elaborate an image of the relationship as something in continuous change...and not of a static castle in which one remains a prisoner!