They called me Irina. It was always called, always called. I-r-i-n-a! Each name is a human being. Really? There may be a million Irina`s in the world, but when they call me, they mean me and nobody else. Nobody? Now I'm the only one who understands that I was gone. There were a lot of different Irina's: necessary, unnecessary and just present, good and evil, nice and nasty, those who were happy and tolerant, interesting and boring, at work, at home and when nobody sees, and many more Irina`s I saw! But all of them are not mine, but invented by someone, for something, that's why.
I am not myself! I couldn't be myself. I couldn't. I just tried: sometimes I cried for myself, laughed when I was hurt. But just a little, not lived long enough. Of course, I have a respectable age and do not think that the very thing ... Well, you know. I just think when I stopped being myself. Maybe so? Walk along the invented, trampled path of someone?
And what am I talking about? Have you lost your mind? You have to worry about your grandchildren. You have to. They are on the sea, sunbathing there, swimming, drinking beer, but how! You can't control it, can you? And then suddenly I! She died... Why did you die? I think so... I jerked the hell out of my mind! You have to worry! Vertika dissertation defends. For the third time. She is a fool! Always said - a fool. Why does she need her thesis? Her husband is a criminal, a disabled child, and she is a spinster. And why am I suddenly? What do I get out of it? Jerk at least kind, and I...
Though to whom as, of course, here the spouse my late loved me, on the party did not go, did not drink, strict was. Here. And me? And I loved fur coats. Dears. When I was 25 years old, a long time ago in general, he exchanged my first mink coat for a ring. Family, his moms. There was no money. Only fooled the husband. I remember bringing - the song sings, plays with shoulders, rejoices. And a fur coat with holes. I shouted then in such a way that I almost deafened myself, and it was only now that I felt sorry for him. I didn't need a fur coat, but Lenka Vedeneeva, my classmate. I wanted to brag about it! They said I had a husband! At such a time, yes, such a fur coat. I wish she dreams about it! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! She's here somewhere! And I...
I remember when I was a kid, my grandmother and mum were arguing from a hop head, and I was looking out the window and it was raining happily. Happy is when you look at it and realize that it will end necessarily, and then the sun and play hide-and-seek again in the yard! There can be no other way. It's different - it's already other rains. I don't remember what they smell like. It's only a day gone by, but I've forgotten. Maybe it's a punishment for me? Maybe others remember. It was a shame all of a sudden. As in the queue, when you run out of goods. Then I always wanted to quarrel, sit down and forget, of course, but I had to quarrel. I have to. I was a little girl. I looked at the happy rain and thought that people need to love that life is interesting, and I will grow up, get married and get to know her, an interesting life. I also loved to look at the sky, to invent things.
Apparently, I didn't understand something, I was dissatisfied. To whom it is good, and to me not. Not like me, not like that. How does Vadka say it? Life as a medal - two sides, if you try it on, one is definitely visible, and the other one is not even cracked. Now I have taken it off and look at it, look at it... All the time it is me, and here it is my turn.
Oh, I forgot again! You have to worry! They wanted to buy a sofa. Tomorrow. Will they buy it or not? God forbid, they will forget. And I've agreed with a discount, by acquaintance! Ew, that's bullshit. Or not in the head? Well, it doesn't matter, the money will go to the funeral. Maybe not everything. Maybe they will save money. At least they would have guessed to take my pension. I am a fool after all. I worry about such things. How life gets dirty! I am different, and she...
Where am I? I look up high, but not in the sky. And everybody says "to the sky, to the sky"! Maybe the sky, but the ceiling is also present. Downstairs, as it should be, is the floor. No, it's not the sky at all, I'm at home, at home. Where else can I be? Everyone is running, fussing. There is no Lenka, but I was afraid to hear it. She is a bitch! Well, Irina breaks through again. Not me, not me.
Salads crumble. On business so. They do not cry. The vertex is angry, the dough does not fit - the yeast is not the same. They will say that they cannot cook. The truth will be told.
How much I have planned in my childhood! Unfortunately, it happened. But I felt, not that I want, not that. There is time and it is not discussed, only we are discussed. Someone said exactly, you can't argue. I've got everyone in my head, so I lived as I read the newspaper. It seems so, but not that.
No, I've lost my mind. After all, everything is the same for me as it is for people! I graduated from school, entered the institute, got married, had children, learned them, survived an accident, took our grandchildren, saw everyone. She lived well for more than a dozen years. It was sad, funny, happy and jealous, laughing and crying. Well, you were dead and dissatisfied. As it happens. They are eating. The third hour is eaten. They drink. That's the way it should be. It is necessary! Wake up. In love, I am explained. They forgot about the cat. Hungry sits, frowning - probably worried. Who will feed her now? Pussy is mine, cannon is mine.
