And if you do not touch anything from the world around you, if you do not care about anything, it means that the same emptiness will be inside you.
If the void inside
The room was still quite dark, as soon as the dawn was about to break through the tightly wrapped curtains of the bedroom, but it was felt that the time to finally wake up, let alone get out of bed had not yet come. The pillow was all wet and I had to turn it over to the other side. What was wrong with me? My body wasn't listening well, and my thoughts were influenced by the state I had probably experienced in my sleep. Where did this come from?
So, I wanted to make a joke about myself:
"Honey, what did you smoke the day before, that you had similar eggnog in your head? »
But I have been trying for a long time to lead a healthy lifestyle, do not abuse anything, and the state of mind can be said to be satisfactory. No, it's something else that needs to be understood calmly. to understand where it came from in my brain. Maybe it's because I've been doing my favorite thing lately, and that's why I've been doing nothing? I just told myself to stop at some point and turned off all the emotions in terms of the fact that it is necessary, that everybody lives like that, that you have to work hard and adjust to the existing reality because you are not alone. You are surrounded by your family and friends, and they all need your help and care.
How I see myself
And if so, you have to work hard and no matter where and how, no matter how, when you just fall ill and die suddenly, without living only for yourself loved one. And the more successfully my career was going on, the more material goods fell into my pocket, the more persistently these thoughts did not leave me. And for what or who is it all for? What do you want from it or what do you lack? Probably, 99, 999% of the population of our country would consider me an idiot and in their own way were right, a person refuses to work and money successfully and it is in our difficult time, but this is my inner vision of myself and how can I try to explain it in the further narration according to the text.
Not on autopilot
So, by making that decision, I didn't immediately implement it. For some time I was still struggling and trying to be dominated by much less and less understandable feelings as duty and obligations to society, country, and family. But the longer I struggled with them, the clearer I realized that if I didn't cut it all off, they would drag me back into the virtual quagmire that I was trying to get out of. It lasted about three years, I was also working, I was in good hands with the management, everything was fine at home, all the more so I hadn't been there for almost a month, but it was all on autopilot, and by some inertia and the flywheel of all this it gradually stopped and rusted until one day I just got up. I remember how excited I was about leaving my place of work for everyone to take a vacation, but I knew for a fact that I would never go back there again. Yes, not all my friends and family were enthusiastic about that decision. The mercantile decisions were different, but I didn't care if it was my life and my decision.
From a different angle
There was a lot of time to philosophize over the already passed way of life and to draw conclusions on some events from their lives and the lives of others. As it turned out, to judge you, I just tried to present the whole world around us from a different angle and from a different point of view.
Yes, I looked at this world, in my life, at the life of my relatives and friends from a different angle. It's a bit difficult. When you look at it differently, what was not available before is revealed, what was not obvious and what could not be seen the first time you approached.
Of course, not everyone will be able to do it. You have to rise above the bustle of life, thinking about it, about what is going on in it. About what happens to you or your loved ones. It's amazing, but I understand that not everyone can do it.
To look at the world in a different way, you have to look inside yourself first.
That very emptiness
Maybe there's nothing there. Then you won't see anything in the outside world either. The emptiness inside is a reflection of what happens outside.
And if you do not touch anything from the world around you, if you do not care about anything, it means that the same emptiness will be inside you.