2. Have an independent self, psychologically separated from their parents.
I found that although many people are married, they are not psychologically separated from their native family and their parents. Their self is still attached to their parents or a child who is not independent and does not grow up.
They give parents too much power to let their parents control their lives. My parents support the partner I choose, I am happy with the job I choose; my parents don't support the partner I choose, the job I choose, I am sad. The emotions and sorrows in my life are greatly affected by the attitude of parents.
On the contrary, people who have an independent self and are psychologically separated from their parents, parents support my chosen partner and support my work. This is of course very good. They don’t support it. It doesn’t matter. I will be a little sad, but because this is me. I can decide for myself, I still have the freedom to choose and act.
I will not give my parents such power.
We are all adults. If we do something that requires another person's permission, consent, and support to do it, it is actually giving the other party too high a right to give the control of life to the other party. In this way, once the other party knows that he can control you, he will certainly exercise his power.
This is why when some children change jobs that their parents do not agree with, his parents will go to trouble with him and use various methods to force him to give up the job. Because of the past, his parents know that they are effective in doing this and can control him. If he let his parents clearly understand that he will not be controlled by his parents, his parents' control behavior will be ineffective, and his parents will naturally not do this.
Relationships are interactive.
So don't give yourself control over your rights. Sometimes, being separated from your parents is also a way to keep yourself.
Of course, this may require a process of independent growth, not all at once.
3. Know your parents and know that everything that parents do is not for children.
I am also a mother now, never dare to say that I am doing everything for my children.
Sometimes, I show children cartoons just to let them rest for half an hour, not to let children learn from cartoons. Sometimes, my child sleeps, just to let her fall asleep, I have my own time, not for her growth and development.
Humanity is selfish.
In the same way, many of the things that our parents do to us are not all for us, but often for selfishness, out of our limitations and patterns.
For example, my mother told me my husband's bad words, this is just her model, she used to pick a man, I have never seen her man, whether my dad, my brother, or other men have a lot of recognition.
She is used to negating and picking on others, and naturally, she will negate and pick up my husband.
Therefore, when I clearly saw this, my mother’s negative comments on my husband would not affect my evaluation of my husband.
During the consultation, I met a visitor. Her mother always denied her husband and provoked the relationship between them because they had a good relationship. The reason why her mother did this is based on embarrassment.
Her own marriage is unfortunate, she divorced when she was 7 years old, and then she raised her daughter. She and her daughter have always lived together, but after her daughter got married, she was very happy, and her relationship with her husband was very close. The relationship with her was not as close as she used to be. This mother has lost, embarrassed and angry.
If we can get to know our parents more profoundly and realize their weakness and limitations as a person, they may not be easily influenced by their words and deeds.
These three points can actually be used not only when your parents say that your partner is not good, but when others do not agree with your choices when others evaluate you and say that you are not good, you can use them.
Recognize who this is, and make your own decisions; keep an independent self, don't give others control over your rights; see what the other party's intentions are, if you really want to be good, you have to listen carefully, there are Then change it, if it is not, then you don’t have to worry about it.