There was a deafening silence around me, but I couldn't know that there was a darkness that had no color, there were no colors, and if you think the darkness had mostly black hues, I didn't know that there was some state of rest that I thought was everything around me.
There was no time continuum at all, a time that wasn't there and couldn't be because nobody had created it yet. I didn't know what could have been a definition of all this that didn't exist and couldn't be, I just felt very good and cozy, though I couldn't understand the meaning of these words either. For some strange reason, I knew what I was, but where and for what purpose was a mystery to me. And the main thing in me there were some processes, put unthinkable questions before, the answers to which I was afraid in advance because they arose in succession and in reverse order and I already knew the answer to them without asking a question. The only question I didn't know the answer to was Who Am I AND WHY?
You will answer the main question
But some voice inside me insisted:
-If none of this is there and you don't understand your current state, then you can create everything you want. Do it as you understand it or as you want it to look like. You have already put aside the answers to all the questions, so start to create preconditions and conditions for the questions themselves, so that the process created by you can search for the answers, and you can control or let this process go anyway, again it is your right to choose. When you go through the whole cycle and it closes again according to your decision, you will answer your main and initial question...
And what's next?
Some confusion in what substance caused anxiety and although a clear plan (obviously not by me) and the order of actions to achieve the goal to be achieved for whom and what was not clear, but it was necessary, and I understood so clearly, that I wanted to hurry up the events and immediately missed a bunch of unnecessary processes, to come to the finish line, and then on.
But I wonder what happens next? And what can it look like, will the next processes continue, will there be new answers to the questions that need to be created?
The other will lead to chaos
I've been dreaming of something else before I've made it to the beginning... And again, inside something I had a clear congruence that I couldn't miss anything, everything had to develop consistently, according to some unknown first of all laws of the sequence, because otherwise it could lead to chaos, and how it looked in terms of visualization was unknown to me for obvious reasons, but it was felt so that I shouldn't try it. That it will not lead to anything good in terms of achieving the final result. And all of a sudden, I got a new feeling, which I had never heard before, which brought it into some stupor, this feeling - indecision. And what if everything I intend to do is not right.
Doubts or determination?
Wait. What is this? Doubt or indecision? I started to grow into concepts beyond what wasn't originally foreseen, which wasn't on the list of those answers I had to create something that would help me answer my own and only my main question. And in general, whoever interferes with my actions does not allow me to carry out what I have planned unemotionally. And what is this? Anger? Anger? I wonder if this is good or bad? And what is this? Alternative opposites?
Look at yourself from the outside
I have to calm down, somebody imposes unnecessary actions on me, thus causing me incomprehensible processes that are unclear...I will be consistent, and I will deal with side effects in the process. Or maybe there aren't, as there is nothing, including me? I will only create it, and therefore everything will be as I want it to be... Super-confidence with a slight shadow of doubt raises the question of internal hesitation. Do I know how to philosophize? That's enough. It's time to get down to business. I will prove it. To whom? To myself? Why? Yes, why am I talking to myself? Or is someone else listening to me and directing me? But it can't be. I am the one who will create everything and then it will be possible to watch how the created by me, taking form and consciousness, will start to develop within the limits which I will define and in those forms and structures which will come to me in my consciousness after its finding and construction.
And how it looks
So, my mind... Would you know what it looks like or influences and what it is? We will create it gradually, probably, somewhere in secret understanding that it is impossible to make a mistake and that this process is irreversible, nothing can be corrected then. For me, the initial stage of this process is what I think about it, which means that I realize that, accordingly, some movement of thought is not yet clear what started to happen. How can I look at myself from the outside and find out what I am? But again, the incipient consciousness tells me that there is nothing to look at, you are just something that cannot be there, which is simply not there. You are some kind of misunderstanding without space and time, existing by yourself, without any reason and trying to create something unknown to yourself for what purpose and not knowing the final result. However, with fanatical perseverance, trying to develop oneself and move on, not understanding what it really is... On this one, as it seemed to be the smartest thought, I opened my eyes.