The WeChat public address received a message from the reader:
"After giving birth to a child, my mother and my mother-in-law took turns to come to our house to help bring the children. Many people have contradictions in their families, but I have not met them. Although there are conceptual differences between us, the overall situation is ok. Mainly my mother made me very annoyed. In the past two years when she lived with me, she always said bad things about my husband in front of me, saying that he can't work, he is making too little money, he has no ability. He also said that he does housework. It’s not good, the clothes are dirty, I don’t know how to wash, I don’t have the eyesight, I saw her holding the child in her hand, carrying the food, and I don’t know how to help the child. He said that he is not good enough for me, the person is very selfish, the cousin’s husband is How is it good for her?
One time, when I was eating, I heard my husband said that the company project was over and sent a bonus. My mom also pulled me into the room and asked if my husband’s salary was all turned over, so that I could prevent my husband.
My relationship with my husband was very good. I thought he was quite good before, otherwise I wouldn’t marry him, but my mom always said that my husband is not good. After a long time, I will be affected. I often see my husband. Not pleasing to the eye, picking his fault, looking for her to quarrel.
Because my mother's evaluation of my husband, my husband also knows that sometimes he will also quarrel with me, I feel that my mother is not so kind, I wish we divorced.
Now our relationship is a bit nervous, I really worry that one day we will divorce. I don't know what should I do? ”
I think if someone is always by your side and tells your partner's bad words, this person is still your parents. For a long time, we will be affected by some bad influences more or less.
After reading this message, I suddenly remembered that I went out to play alone in the Mid-Autumn Festival. My mom sent me a message saying that my husband David took the child. When she gave him a video, it was already a little more. He had not given the child yet. lunch.
After I saw it, I laughed and passed, and I was not affected by this WeChat.
My mom came to my house for two months last year. The two months are also bad for telling my husband. What do you like to take a bath, poor hygiene, work is not going forward, don't know what to socialize...
I was not affected by her words at the time. Instead, she said to her seriously and seriously: No one is perfect, everyone has shortcomings. He is my husband, not your husband, I like it. You don't want to say that he is not good in front of me (you see, it doesn't work, then she still doesn't say it).
Why can I not be affected by my mother's evaluation of my husband? Because I did the following three things:
1. Separation of topics.
What is the separation of topics? It is to figure out who this is, who is the subject, and separate the subject from others.
My mom has a bad opinion about my husband. This is her business. I can't stop her from saying that this is something I can't control. So, later, she still said that my husband is not good.
I want to agree with her content, this is my business, I can control it.
I said before, said to my mother, let her not say bad things about my husband in front of me, in fact, there is a little disrespect for her subject, a little strong she is difficult, because everyone has the right to express themselves, but I can choose not to agree with what she said, or when she said that my husband is not good, I walk away, I choose not to listen.
The separation of topics is actually that a person must have a self-limit. In "The Annoying Courage", the author tells how Adler's psychology solves the problems in interpersonal relationships: "The first thing to think about is who is the subject of this. Then the subject separation - what are their own topics? , which are the subjects of others, to calmly draw the boundaries. Moreover, do not interfere with other people's issues, and do not allow others to interfere with their own problems."
When parents say that our partner is ill, they don't interfere with our subject, but if they try to let us choose to break up or divorce, it means they interfere with our subject, then we need to maintain our boundaries. Clearly inform parents: This is my own business, it is my choice, you should not interfere.
The problem of many of us is that we have neither the ability to figure out who this is nor the ability to prevent others from interfering with our own problems. That is, there is no way to understand their own personal will, nor to protect their own personal will. His life has been messed up by others.