It's hard for a lot of people to say no. We want to appear kind and polite even to the detriment of ourselves. And when we refuse, we often face misunderstanding, and even resentment.
But it is worth understanding that behind any consent there are certain consequences. It's very simple: you allocate time that you planned to use in a different way. So we have to sacrifice something else. Of course, there are cases when the refusal is inappropriate (family, friends, emergencies, mutual assistance). And there are those where it is possible to refuse and it is necessary to be able. Even if you do not try to manipulate and use for their own selfish purposes.
Saying no isn't just a good skill, it's a necessity if you want to:
- Competently live in the information world, where it is expected that you will always be in touch.
- Set your boundaries. People don't know about your plans. If you do not learn to say no, they will act only on the basis of their own ideas about your life. When you say no, you are setting boundaries and showing others what your priorities are.
- Achieve wholeness and happiness. When you say no, you are in control of your time. You control what happens during the day. And it is you who decide what will be the path to happiness.
Why is it difficult to refuse?
These are common reasons why it's hard for people to say no. Does any of this list apply to you?
- Fear of being rude.
- The desire to be pleasant.
- Fear of conflict.
- Fear of losing opportunities.
- The desire to help a person.
A little digging into each reason, you can understand that the grounds for the experience is not so much:
- Refusal does not necessarily mean rudeness.
- It is foolish to think that in order to be pleasant to people, you need to agree with them in everything.
- Refusal does not mean conflict — it is simply an affirmation of your boundaries and needs.
- Failure does not necessarily mean loss of opportunity. It's more important to say Yes to the right things and opportunities than to say Yes to everything.
- Helping a person is good, but you should not sacrifice your interests. The only exception may be a situation in which you need to help a loved one.
- Surprisingly, very often it is your " no " that will make people respect you. Maybe they will not understand it immediately, but soon it will happen.
How to learn to say "no"
The ability to say no is an art that depends on the situation and who you are dealing with. There is no perfect way to refuse, nor is there a single answer to the question of when to refuse and when to agree. However, we can give you some practical advice that will help in making a decision.
1
Don't overcomplicate
If you want to say no, just do it. Thank the person for the invitation and tell them that you cannot accept because of other circumstances. Don't go into details, you have the right not to report it.
Examples:
- I have other things to do.
- It doesn't fit my needs at the moment, but I will be mindful of your suggestion.
- I'd love to, but…
There is no need to over-explain the reason for the refusal, if it is not relevant. If the answer is long and confusing, you run the risk of letting yourself be persuaded. Sometimes it's enough to just say " No, thank you."
2
Offer an alternative
One way to ease the" pain " of rejection for another person is to offer an alternative. This is especially important when your refusal may be fatal for him.
If you can not help, offer the interlocutor a person who can (after asking if you can give him contacts). The same method works when the request is beyond your competence.
It's just an optional step taken of your own free will.
3
Give " mini-Yes»
Sometimes you want to refuse a person because the request is incompatible with your needs, but you can help the person with something less.
For example, you can't do X but can do Y, which is part of the process X. You can't offer a man a job and instead offer part time.
4
Put aside the question of
If the proposal of the interlocutor will interest you in the future, but not now, the question can be postponed for an indefinite (or definite) period. Can you tell:
- I'm very busy right now. How about contacting me next week? Wednesday afternoon, for instance.
- Let me think about it a little bit.
- Sounds interesting. I'll let you know when I'm not busy.
Not all offers tend to take your time, some of them are quite useful. With this method, you can buy some time and think. So you will avoid unnecessary pressure.
5
Refuse on a certain category of questions
If you receive the same requests from the same category, assess whether they meet your goals. If not, consider opting out across the category. Explain to the person that you have nothing against him personally. It will save you a lot of nerves and time.
6
Not answer
This advice is suitable for someone who receives hundreds of requests a day. Remember that rejection is an emotional moment and it can exhaust you. After all, you have the right to refuse, given that you receive so many requests.