Let's say no one wants to read about their toilet business, and if something really funny and cute happened, then why not? In addition, when the son grew up, it became more noticeable what an interesting and multi-faceted personality, it became easier to realize that the kids - it's not the sum of their pranks, whims, and skilful; they are small people, with their own characteristics, bugs, and preferences, and what we think is cute and funny, can be part of their So, since my son grew up, I began to look at the kids differently-I share, but without milestones, when I crawled, when I said. All the latter, in fact, such nonsense.
As soon as I came to terms with the fact that we now have one less baby at home, my adaptation was completed, and it immediately became easier for me to write about my son. I don't write about personal things, I talk about his new interests, our joint ventures, and always, religiously, ask his permission to publish photos.
About other bloggers a lot of thought about it, and I think that plays a role here a combination of several reasons.
First, we live in the mimimi age."If something is not" mimimi, " non-positive, unsympathetic, unaesthetic, not unambiguous, not glamorous, we prefer not to notice it. Just have to close our ears and eyes and humming under his breath: "Bebebebe."Even on Instagram, I noticed-most of the "likes" are collected (in descending order): children, #many children by train, seals. Cute grown-up guys now not comme Il faut.
It seems that as soon as the child grows up, it becomes irrelevant to society. And it is very strange. As one reader wrote to me (@kvartira81a): "I also think that the older the child, the more necessary the blog. I was so worried only on the eve of childbirth, as now, on the threshold of FILIAL adulthood. Every day I think-well, somehow others have gone through it?! Through this gap? When it started, that I don't want to kiss his heels, that not everything is touching now, that he likes not what I like, when so many problems in his head, and you can not help, just patting on the back. How not to write? You will go mad from thoughts if you do not decompose, but you will not spice up with humor. And so, suddenly, and further to live can be.»
But there are still so many important and necessary topics about which you can and should write! Search yourself, choice of profession, development of ecological thinking, the issues of service who are talking about dreams — we have about butterfly or a butterfly about us — in the end! It is impossible that there is no demand for these topics! But go write about them, when we, adults, do not quite understand these subtleties.
Dan Bar, blog Our quiet house
So it turns out that the choice of diapers is written much more briskly, and the letters to study in a different way is also fun, and when you meet face to face with an unfamiliar guy (or girl) — a strange, new, uncomfortable, awkward, stunning own (well-reasoned, I must say) opinion, and personal, not always logical, rules of behavior, it is easiest to huddle in a corner and shut up.
Outside too no one is running to the rescue (and this is second) marathons cult installoramas, restaurant get-togethers in a friendly atmosphere, the instructions of the Dole and razlivochnyh stars — all intended to give birth to (maximum consciously, of course), hard to develop, and to grow up to school and then most of the helpers and well-wishers somehow samolikvidirovalsja parents, it turns out, is offered for children just to score. "School will help us.»
However, the understanding of the processes occurring in the minds of growing children, and the experience of parents who have already passed through this period, is no less (and maybe more) important than the understanding of the baby period, so it is strange that this niche is empty.
Third, dreams are often shattered by reality. It seems that we will walk together into the sunset, holding hands and chanting the alphabet, and then it turns out that all the dreams one after another have long burst like soap bubbles, and it would be urgent to start new ones, but the child is so different that it is unclear even where to start. And here we come to the most interesting point, because I think you need to start with yourself. Well, as always, actually.
Communication with teenagers is multifaceted. Respect is no longer implied, it is won, which means that it is not enough to be a fairy mom, fairy mom no longer rolls. You need to be ready to answer difficult questions, show remarkable flexibility, and angelic patience.
Two-year-olds, you say? Yes, patience with them need a lot, but with teenagers it is necessary ten times more — because it's no longer about scattered pots with earth, and the impulses of the soul, and other lofty matters. And the steam is already out, all the strength went to crafts and experiments, the essence of which so none of the children did not understand. At this point, it turns out that crafts are no longer needed, the alphabet is learned, experiments tired five years ago, and jump through puddles and bake cookies as if it were too late. And there is nothing to write about.
I generally arises is now the comparison about the development of toddlers and life with adolescents. I, as Dole, noticed one trend, which, of course, partly tribute Vogue, and partly — evidence of a common temperature on hospital, when think we all as something not the and not about how.
Many couples that I work with — first, prepare to leave and then was escorted in childbirth absolutely fixated on themselves childbirth. They write scripts of how they would like these births to take place, collect candles lit by the Dalai Lama, pick up music for weeks, write lists and menus, but very rarely ask: "what then?»
I always try to bring them back from heaven to Earth. Giving birth after all this only the beginning of, after them the entire life ahead — such a a strange, complex, diverse. Childbirth is very important, but they did not converge wedge light, just as did not converge wedge light on the account and the alphabet, all the fun is yet to come. And that is interesting left, don't rush things and give away all the secrets of the world in the first few years of a child's life.
To keep up with my son, over the past couple of years I've read a few books on philosophy, learned how to create and moderate YouTube channels, make cartoons, navigate the compass, distinguish Hemlock from wild carrots and lies from the truth, I broke the voice, answering questions about addictions — drugs, alcohol, gambling, fueled the discussion about whether we are real or starred some giant, and helped to understand topics such as consumerism, personal responsibility, and conscious being.
I am aware of all these difficulties, and sympathize with the eliminated. But the more important, it seems to me, is for the rest of us to talk and write about these topics, and the more the better.
All these topics tear off the roof, it is difficult and interesting at the same time. At one point, I was so drawn to this meaningful communication that I even found it difficult to communicate with younger children, and I felt that I ceased to understand – this time — them, as before I thought that I did not understand my son.
In General, go write about all this.
I am aware of all these difficulties, and sympathize with the eliminated. But the more important, it seems to me, is for the rest of us to talk and write about these topics, and the more the better.
For what?
Well, at least to remove from us reputation of untouchables. If we are not "mimimi," it does not mean that we are uninteresting. To create a sense of brotherhood and mutual support. Someone has more difficulties, someone has less, but they are all similar, and therefore it is possible to establish an exchange of experience. To enrich the Internet space with new themes.
I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of sensor boxes. To understand that this period is as fleeting as was the period of infancy, and then the period of infancy. Recently, in a casual conversation in the store, I dropped that much would give to go back 5 years ago and at least an hour to be with older children when they were babies, my interlocutor sighed in response, and said that much would give to go back to a time when her children were like mine now.
Everything is relative. And that means that despite all the changes that growing children go through, we still have things to talk about, things to think about, things to write about, things to share, things to do, and things to strive for. And I suggest we strive together.
Olga Astrahanceva, Blog Magic Of Biology
Olga Astrahanceva, Blog Magic Of Biology
Alla: please Tell us about yourself and your children, how old are they?
Olga: Olga astrahanceva, biologist, teacher, some time to read your blog "the Magic of biology". Son Artem 16 years, the only child.
Alla: what difficulties did you face and what age of children became "transitional"for you?
Olya: Frankly speaking, this common horror story about the transition to adulthood turned out to be a hoax for me. I kept waiting for this terrible uncontrollable period to come. B 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16... But it never came, everything went organically and naturally. I think it has to do with parenting style. Adolescence is the litmus test of our educational system.
Alla: How do you solve these problems?
Olya: Working at school, I was constantly in interaction with children of teenage age. Children came to me for biology in the 6th grade at the age of 11-12 years, and I taught them to 16-17 years. I saw the dynamics of their psychological maturation. It really helped me to react to the first indicators in the behavior of the son. Adults forget about what was important to them during this period.
My formula of education is love and acceptance + freedom and responsibility.
To transitional age anodyne in natural regime, without stress and breakdowns, it is important remember about some things.
1. Safety and love
This is the basis that a child needs at any age. If the family can not give these things to the child, the inevitable problems of adolescence. How often do you tell your child that you love him or her? He is sure of your love, does he know that you will love him no matter what?
If you can not restore order in your life, and the child is forced to grow up on the ruins of divorce, scandals, when he witnesses the collapse of the family – it is a serious blow to the sense of security and trust in the world.
The task of any parent is to create an atmosphere of safety and love for the child. The child must be sure that he will receive support in your person. And for this you need your own internal balance.
2. Freedom of choice
The child should have the freedom of choice, assuming responsibility for this choice. Even in trifles. From an early age. This gradually teaches the child to take responsibility for their lives, to calculate the consequences of their decisions.
For example, the collection of the portfolio. It can be carried out in the morning or in the evening. If you collect a briefcase in the morning, often forget to take something, and when collecting in the evening – there is a time to remember, and put missing. Morning thus flows more easily. The child has a feeling that he controls the situation, because he has calculated it.
3. Area of responsibility
A child should have areas of responsibility. For example, learning is a child's responsibility. I basically did not do homework with my son. He asked for help in case of difficulty, but nothing more.
Collecting portfolio from the first day of school-the responsibility of the son. Forgot to take something, to believe, then no one but you is to blame. We'll have to do without the forgotten.
Cleaning the table, and then cleaning his room-the responsibility of the son. Caring about the space in which you exist. But also freedom of expression in it. Posters? Let there be posters. A sword on the wall? Let it be a sword. Snags, sticks, homemade bows, pistols-let them. The design of the room is the child's choice.
Freedom of choice and responsibility lead to the formation of independence and the ability to make decisions.
4. Acceptance of individuality
Child-personality. Despite the fact that we influence its formation, the child is born with the right to his own life. He has the right to make mistakes. He has the right to be different from what you have come up with. He has the right to choose his fate.
In science, there is a rule of comparing objects – we can only compare similar objects with each other. Compare the child only with himself. And accustom him to the idea of evaluating yourself and monitor the dynamics of changes in yourself. This is the way to proper self-esteem and healthy reflection (self-observation). Comparison with others is either self-affirmation at the expense of others, or self-abasement. This prevents to live. And when a child monitors his own dynamics, he can influence it and control the development.
If you accept the individuality of your child, then the child will be easier to accept their individuality. This will weaken the influence of negative leaders on children. The child will be able to separate himself from the environment.
5. The quality of the environment
The quality of the environment
In adolescence, adults - not authority for children. Only a few adults are able to influence them. Those that will pass the test of strength and will be recognized as their own. Teenagers are a separate civilization. Friends of the environment and their opinion begins to play a greater role in the life of a teenager. And if you want to move your child, start changing his environment.
Look for a school where the value is intelligence and successful self-developing personality. Or community of interest, clubs, sections on tourism, Geology, engineering, sports. Community leaders should motivate self-development by their own example. Start from the values of the child.
6. Soft control
The tougher the dogma of education, the brighter the adolescent rebellion. To prove the right to independence, self-identity, to get away from parental control, teenagers are capable of strange and monstrous things.
Perhaps you will make an unpleasant discovery for yourself that the behavior of a child in school differs from the behavior of a child in the family, as two polarities. Parents often take the position, " my child is Golden, it's the teachers telling on him." But this split behavior is caused by strict rules of education and control in the family. Therefore, control should be soft, without despotism.
The other extreme is the lack of parental control. The child has no concept of the norms of behavior, insubordination, respect for other people. Such a child is difficult to adapt in society, he becomes an outcast in the classroom.
A child needs boundaries. These boundaries need to be clearly defined. Bans should study. It is important to show cause-and-effect relationships and explain risks. And be consistent.
I worked at the same school my son attended. He knew that I would become aware of the incidents. So I preferred to give out my version of what was happening before my colleagues told me. The child was confident in the parent an adequate response. In principle, working at school makes you look at what is happening philosophically. For example, removed from the hinges of the office door, or formed in half a Desk - it's sheer nonsense. There were many situations that happened with other children, and we talked about them with my son. Analyzed behavior, motives, points of view, came to a conclusion. Conversation is a working practice, and prevention of stupidity.
And what if you do not work where your child studies? Establish relationships with the child's teachers. Few parents came to me for counseling or advice. Meanwhile, if the child knows that you are interested in school life, perhaps he will tell you a little more about yourself.
7. Emotional intelligence
When your child was growing up, weren't you too preoccupied with the race for intellectual skills: reading and counting, chess, multilingualism? Have you spent enough time developing emotional intelligence and empathy? Can a child be aware of his feelings and name them? Can he admit that other people feel the same way? Does he know what it means to be Human? Or did you raise the Navel of the Earth?
Emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence balances individuality. This is a trait of a true positive Leader. With an underdeveloped emotional intelligence we get a cynical egocentric manipulator, incapable of love and acceptance.
Alla: what resources (books, movies, websites, etc.) can you advise other parents of growing children?
Olya: my teacher was a live experience of communication with teenagers at school. Real situations and their analysis gave a lot. I raised to the rank of my pedagogy-the adoption of the child's individuality, its development and the use of strengths in learning. The case when self-knowledge became the key to success for the child.
Read the special psychological and pedagogical literature, however, advise a number of books, suitable for parents:
A series of books "Life remarkable people", the study of biography geniuses and successful professionals, from the industries knowledge, which interested in child. Analysis of life principles, strategies, habits, commitment inspires achievement.
Books by G. S. Altshuller on TRIZ. Now it is a popular topic related to non-standard thinking. Therefore, the sin of fraud material. I recommend an undistorted version of the ideas of the official Foundation of G. S. Altshuller
The most interesting person, the pioneer of family education Alexey Karpov
Karpov A. " Do you know how to study well?!"A useful book for careless students.- 2006.
To the question of what it means to be Human. This is the spiritual pedagogy of Tatiana Babushkina, healing children's broken hearts.
Babushkina T. V. " what is stored in the pockets of childhood."-2009.
Further, lists of books for teachers. But parents will have something to learn, through parables and exercises, conversations.
Emelyanova E. V. "Psychological problems of modern teenager and their solution in training" - 2008.
"Education of personality: methodological manual". Ed. - 2008.
Matveev B. R. "development of the personality of the teenager: the program of practical classes". -2007.
Alla: If you had a time machine at your disposal, how many years ago would you like to go back and change what? Or do not want to change anything?
Olya: If it were possible, I would work less, spend more time with my son, in the range from 5 to 7 years, I would keep more memories of my son's childhood.
Alla: do you Write in your blog about teenage children? Why do you think most mom blogs are dedicated to babies, and older parents, as a rule, do not tell?
Olga: I Have a biological themed blog. Sometimes I mention my son in articles. It's okay to not blog about teenagers. Teenagers are usually against publishing. And they have the right to. They have their own personal life, which is to put on public display is incorrect.