Parents are afraid in advance of puberty, seemed to have forgotten that quite recently were the most teenagers.
A week ago, we published an interview with three moms in our community. Today is continuing the ongoing discussions, and we published the responses of two mothers of our community — This Bar and Olga Astrahanceva.
Hello, ladies. Thank you for responding to our proposal and answering our questions. We hope your answers will help our readers to find a way to mutual understanding with their growing children. So, questions:
Please tell us about yourself and the children, how old are they?
What difficulties did you face, and what age of children became "transitional"for you?
How do you solve these problems?
What resources (books, movies, websites, etc.) can you recommend to other parents of growing children?
If you had a time machine at your disposal, how many years ago would you like to go back and change what? Or do not want to change anything?
Do you write about teenage children in your blog? Why do you think most mom blogs are dedicated to babies, and older parents, as a rule, do not tell?
Dan Bar, blog Our quiet house
Dan Bar, blog Our quiet house
Alla: please Tell us about yourself and your children, how old are they?
Dana: My name is Dana and I've been blogging since 2007. Our eldest son had just turned a year old, and this diary was being started for no particular purpose, except to save time by keeping all distant relatives and friends informed of our news at the same time, without having to write long letters in dozens of copies.
We had just moved from Israel to Canada, and, of course, everyone was wondering how we were doing. Over time, immigrant life has entered a more measured course, there were new Hobbies and interests, my son grew up, developed the style of our parenthood, and gradually my blog has become more popular — I have readers, and even virtual friends.
Now children three. Son is almost 11, middle daughter is 5.5, the youngest 2.5. They are all very different, and we do not have to be bored at all, especially since all the children are with us, the son and both girls study at home. Son nature creative, likes sculpt from plasticine, to do cartoons, to read. Middle daughter is very good at drawing, but mind she's more analytical than my brother. And the youngest is just a minx.
Alla: what difficulties did you face and what age of children became "transitional"for you?
Dana: it seemed to me that at the age of nine my son began to change. I wouldn't call this moment "the awkward age," too solemnly it sounds, but the changes were very noticeable and appreciable, though, in my opinion, into the category of difficulties they do not belong. It was more interesting than difficult, so we solved these "problems" with passion.
Dan Bar, blog Our quiet house
It is interesting that in Waldorf pedagogy, which I have always liked, the ninth anniversary is considered to be a turning point, when children move from a dreamy state to a more conscious one... and this is exactly what we faced in the case of the son.
Young children learn and perceive the world through imitation, this gives them a very strong sense of connection with the world, but at nine years old the consciousness gradually loses this connection, and the child begins to realize his autonomy. At first he is scared and lonely, hence the mood changes and depressive States, and then the child begins to look for himself and his place in the world, and hence comes the desire to question the opinion and authority of parents, there is a desire to experiment in style, in food, in Hobbies.
Alla: How do you solve these problems?
Dana: Frankly speaking, so far we haven't noticed any iconic teenage "thrash". It is possible that everything is still ahead, but so far there has been nothing that could not be solved by conversations, many of which are very interesting. Long hair, baggy clothes, an attempt to switch to vegetarianism, musical tastes — all these things I watch as if from the side and let them happen in their own way.
I consider them not my business and give full right to such experiments. Mood swings are solved by talking. I believe in the healing power of what is said, and I have seen "the problem" turn into a joke more than once just because its essence was spoken aloud.
I believe in the healing power of what is said, and I have seen "the problem" turn into a joke more than once just because its essence was spoken aloud.
Studies last year began very hard. Also, I think, intervened adolescence. Knocked foreheads until the son realized that this is his area of responsibility, and I can provide materials and tools, I can help and explain, but I can not get his brain to work. Coped. Talked, argued, eventually figured out.
Still, at some point it seemed to me that I ceased to understand the son. Many of our Hobbies and interests coincide, but in some ways we are completely different people. At first it bothered me, and I started trying to earn victory points, to usurp our differences and try to transform them into points of contact, and then I realized that there is nothing wrong in not understanding a loved one, the main thing is to accept it. And love, of course.
I adore my husband, we are a very close team, but this does not mean that I absolutely always understand his choices and preferences. I respect them. I accept it. But understand far not always. Each of us is a part of the whole, but at the same time we are also Autonomous human units. This fact entails a certain share of responsibility, but at the same time for each of us it is also a privilege, and there is no reason to deny this privilege to a growing child.
So I stopped working for popularity, and I became myself again. As soon as it happened, everyone felt good. Different interests won't make us strangers, but rejection can. This does not mean that there should be no points of contact at all, just not necessarily that they were in everything!
As a reward for this release, we received a special closeness in common Affairs and undertakings, and we appreciate and cherish it very much.
As a reward for this release, we received a special closeness in common Affairs and undertakings, and we appreciate and cherish it very much. Now, as adults close people something we with son do together, and something separately. For example, together we necessarily at least a couple of times a month we go only together for some common cause, whether it's our forest school or a trip to the library.
The younger girls stay with their dad. Without their chirping communication's measured and calm. I do not get distracted by technical issues (well, that is, I do not make sure that someone is not killed), and my son is not distracted by the politics of fraternal and sisterly relations, and thanks to this we often manage to discuss many interesting topics, and we always return home smooth, harmonious, and happy. After our time together, there is no trace of my son's volatile moods. This must be what satiety looks like. I only regret that I can not do it more often.
In General, it always seemed to me that grown children are the end of joint Affairs, but with the growing of our son, our relations have acquired a special depth, and in some ways have become dramatically better and richer than before.
We had a lot of common interests, and on this basis grew a lot of mutual respect and desire to get closer (while maintaining autonomy), and not to move away. The son was a very difficult baby, and for me this discovery is especially valuable. Now we're not just mom and son, we're accomplices. I just can't even put into words how much I like it.
Alla: what resources (books, movies, websites, etc.) can you advise other parents of growing children?
Dana: the Only thing that comes to mind is Newfeld. Not a surprise, is it? Who better to write about teenagers than him? Loved early diary Yana Zinigrad (now time to read blogs is almost there). Yana does not write specifically about teenagers, but she is a mother of grown children, and she has a lot to learn.
Alla: If you had a time machine at your disposal, how many years ago would you like to go back and change what? Or do not want to change anything?
Dana: I Would like to go back to the early childhood of my son, and live it again, but only on the condition that I would retain all the experience and all the discoveries and revelations that have descended on me in recent years. I wish I had known then about Hyper-sensitive children, it would have helped me to have more patience, with more stoicism to perceive the difficulties of the time, and more philosophically look at life.
Also, I would have taken my son out of the garden a lot sooner, or not at all, and I would have always — always — been on his side. That's all. This is the unfortunate end. Although, something tells me that much of my insight came to me thanks to this storm early.
Alla: do you Write in your blog about teenage children? Why do you think most mom blogs are dedicated to babies, and older parents, as a rule, do not tell?
Dana: Yes! And dream write about this more often and more. I was shy at first. I thought my oldest child deserved more privacy. Over time, however, I realized that not being able to write about my son had more to do with my personal attitude toward his growing up than a mythical respect for his personality.
Why mythical? Yes because small children deserve not less respect, than big! Juicy stories with extra details are as humiliating for kids as for a teenager. It is necessary to understand and remember that today's kids are tomorrow's teenagers, and the question is, how will they, grown up, like these stories?