Л. N. Tolstoy. War and peace. Volume four PART FOURI

When a man sees a dying animal, the horror is overwhelming him: what he is - his essence - is obviously destroyed in his eyes - ceases to exist. But when the dying person is a person and the loved one is felt, then, except for the horror before the destruction of life, there is a tear and spiritual wound, which, as well as the physical wound, sometimes kills, sometimes heals, but always hurts and is afraid of external irritating touch.

After the death of Prince Andrei Natasha and Princess Maria felt it equally. They, morally bent down and frowned on the terrible, hanging over them clouds of death, did not dare to look into the face of life. They cautiously guarded their open wounds from insulting, painful touching. Everything: The crew that drove down the street quickly, a reminder of lunch, a girl's question about the dress to be prepared; Even worse, the word of the disingenuous, weak participation painfully annoyed the wound, seemed to be an insult and violated the necessary silence in which they both tried to listen to the silent, still in their imagination, terrible, strict choir, and prevented them from looking into the mysterious endless distance, which for an instant opened before them.

Just the two of them were not insulting or painful. They did not speak much among themselves. If they talked, they were talking about the most insignificant things. Both avoided mentioning anything related to the future in the same way.

Admitting the possibility of the future seemed to them to be an insult to his memory. They were even more cautious in their conversations about everything that might have to do with the deceased. They felt that what they had experienced and felt could not be expressed in words. It seemed to them that any mention of the details of his life in words violated the greatness and sanctity of the sacrament in their eyes.

The constant abstinence of speech, the constant careful treatment of all that could lead to the word about him: these stops from different sides on the border of what could not be said, even cleaner and clearer exhibited before their imagination what they felt.

But pure, complete sadness is as impossible as pure and complete joy. Princess Maria, in her position as one of the independent mistresses of her destiny, guardian and nephew's teacher, was the first to be brought about by life from the world of sorrow in which she lived for the first two weeks. She received letters from her relatives, to which she had to answer; the room in which Nikolai was placed was cheese, and he began to cough. Alpatych came to Yaroslavl with business reports and suggestions and advice to move to Moscow to the Vzdvizhensky house, which remained intact and required only small repairs. Life did not stop, and it was necessary to live. No matter how hard it was for Princess Marie to leave the world of solitary contemplation in which she lived until now, no matter how pitiful and as if ashamed it was to leave Natasha alone - the care of life required her participation, and she unwittingly gave herself to them. She believed the score with Alpatych, consulted with Desal about her nephew and made orders and preparations for her move to Moscow.

Natasha was left alone and since Princess Maria had been preparing to leave, she had been avoiding her.

Princess Maria offered to let Natasha go with her to Moscow, and her mother and father joyfully agreed to this offer, noticing every day the decline of her daughter's physical strength and believing that it would be useful for her to change her place and help from Moscow doctors.

- I'm not going anywhere," replied Natasha when she was asked to do so, "but please leave me alone," she said, and ran out of the room, hardly holding back tears of anger and anger rather than grief.

After she felt abandoned by Princess Mary and lonely in her grief, Natasha spent most of her time alone in her room sitting with her feet in the corner of the sofa and looking at what she had stopped looking at with her thin, tense fingers and stubborn, still eyes. Her solitude was exhausted, she was tormented; but it was necessary for her. As soon as someone entered her, she quickly got up, changed her position and expression, and took up a book or sewing, obviously looking forward to the one who had prevented her from leaving.