Until recently, divorces were perceived as something out of the ordinary, destroying all conceivable moral foundations. Today, they have become quite commonplace - spouses disperse in search of new opportunities and new life. But if the children have already appeared in the marriage, everything becomes much more complicated. According to statistics, in Russia, for every 100 marriages, there is an average of 63.7 divorces - that is, the likelihood that the husband and wife will live with each other until they are old enough, say, not very high. Psychologists emphasize that no matter how easy or hard this decision is, divorce almost always means stress for both spouses. However, children are usually the most vulnerable in this situation and have little or no influence on the actions of adults.
BOARD FOR CHILDREN
In the post-Soviet space it is customary to consider that courts "by default" leave children with their mother. This argument is often even given as an argument in the question of the existence of discrimination against fathers. Indeed, the statistics of court cases confirm that the vast majority of children remain with their mothers after the parents' divorce. Does this mean that judges are biased? Read also: Children are hostages of divorce. The fact is that in the vast majority of these cases the fathers simply did not declare their intention to raise the child. If we consider the cases in which men claimed to determine the place of residence, the ratio is quite different: in 59% of cases, the children stayed with the father and only 40% - with the mother (1% are the decisions in which the children were divided between parents). But that is not all. The postulate "children are women's business" is so firmly embedded in the public consciousness that even if a child lives officially with his or her father, the routine (and, as a rule, unpaid) work of caring for and providing for everyday life with the child often falls on the shoulders of a woman - stepmother, grandmother, angry acquaintance or even the children themselves (especially if it is a daughter). Thus, in the notorious recent story with a lonely father Vadim Ivanov here and there look "unnoticeable" female figures: here the head of the library helps the older children with lessons and at the same time looks after the younger ones, and here is an eight-year-old daughter complains of fatigue from household chores: it would be that she is entrusted with responsibilities for the kitchen and cleaning of the entire house. In another story, the case of Aminat Mahmudova, an Estonian citizen who unsuccessfully tries to take two sons away from her father who is holding them illegally, the boys live with their grandmother and aunts while the father has been working in another city for months. It turns out, no matter how you turn it, that's bad. If one of the parents actually refuses to bring up his children, dumping this duty entirely on the former spouse or on strangers - the child almost inevitably has a feeling of needlessness, "abandonment" by a person who, according to existing moral standards, should be one of the closest. The consequences may be the most deplorable, ranging from neurotic reactions to anxiety and depression. Their prevention and correction is added by another heavy burden to the already difficult burden of the parent who has taken on the responsibility for the little man. In addition, sad statistics on child support arrears suggest that the standard of living of a parent raising one or more children alone is highly likely to subside, which means that there will be a need to "disappear" at work and in the workplace, which will only exacerbate the feeling of loneliness of a son or daughter.
IN WAR AS IN WAR?
However, situations can be even tougher and more violent towards children. They usually arise when one or both sides of a former society cell perceive divorce as a battlefield and a child as a means to avenge a former spouse. In these cases, the parents' interaction with the child may follow one of three scenarios Parental abuse of parental rights can be manifested by preventing the second parent from seeing and interacting with the child. This can take the form of sabotage, where, for example, the mother cites permanent employment or illness of the child and prevents the father from meeting with the child even at a time set by a court order. Another option is to actually kidnap the child, hiding his or her whereabouts from the other parent, contrary to court orders, as in the above-mentioned Aminat case. However, there may be nuances here if the person from whom the children are hidden has demonstrated a propensity for violence: beatings, blackmail, threats. Then concealment may be the only guarantee of children's safety (until the problem is solved in the legal field). There is a form of "struggle" with the former spouse, when children are groundlessly instilled with a sense of fear or aversion to the second parent, manipulating the child's attachment to the parent with whom he or she lives.