Aspiring to be the first "always and always" is a neurotic need, and the main danger is not the prospect of failing to have a heart attack. A carrier of the "virus" can withstand a blow, provide a decent living for his family and hold solid positions, but victories caused not so much by his own interests and inclinations as by the desire to "prove to them all" do not bring moral satisfaction, which sooner or later leads to emotional burnout.
This is another half-breakdown, and sometimes it happens so that, "marking in napoleons" and categorically disagreeing with compromises, we are in the power of empty ambitions, encountering endless obstacles in their way. It's not about evil fate, but about the fact that our dream is too perfect and big and often makes us wait for magical changes, but so far - for the draft, and everything that will offer us life, is dismissed as hopeless. For example, I dream of getting a Buker Prize, but I still earn my living by making press releases about parrot food. If I write prose, then only in the table. Why shouldn't I offer the publisher my essays? I understand in my mind that I should have done so, but everyone somehow doesn't get their hands on it. Why not? Because at the subconscious level there is a "block" for all kinds of activity in this direction. I dream that the editors are standing in line for me, in no other way. As a result, a whole bunch of harmful attitudes are formed in my mind that circumstances do not allow it, stars do not favour it, jealous people do not sleep, and even "not fate" at all.
" Neurotics seldom live in the present, mostly focusing on the past or imagining the future," says psychologist Yulia Sinareva. - They often wonder how events could have turned out if life had turned out differently, "I would have married someone else," "received a different education," and "grown up in a different environment. Some people live with fear of future misfortune: "and what if I lose my job", "they won't like me", "I'll make a mistake". Such anxiety greatly distorts the perception of reality. Who was the hunter, who was the prey? Success is one of the most clichéed notions. Good grades, a prestigious university - for a child. A position, a car, a complicated
House - for adults, sometimes an unpretentious row is supplemented by all-season rest, less often talk about recognition in "narrow circles" and the presence of academic degrees.
Eric Bern, a psychologist and psychiatrist, suggested a way to distinguish between true winners and those who "always pull the wagon". According to the famous American, it is enough to ask a man what he will do if he loses. A defeated man has no idea and completely rejects this possibility. He puts everything on the same card and thus loses. The winner always takes into account several possibilities and is not afraid to be on the wrong side, he knows exactly what to do in case of failure, but prefers to keep silent about it.
"The desire to be the first always and in everything, as a rule, compensatory, - continues Julia Sinareva. - Usually, this is what those who are used to considering themselves a loser and seek love for themselves from childhood strive for. These are people who grew up in a difficult emotional atmosphere, not recognized or unloved children. In this case, the thirst to win is the motivation that allows you to believe in yourself despite the opinions of others.
Mikhail Litvak, Candidate of Medical Sciences, psychotherapist, is also convinced that such scenarios are laid down in childhood and need correction or "script reprogramming". I once examined a large group of excellent students," says Mikhail Litvak, "almost all of them are future neurotics, i.e. my patients. The life of an excellent student is terrible. Clad by teachers, he does not enjoy the authority of his classmates, often physically ill-prepared, and most importantly, he does not form hobbies, he grows scattered, often does not know where to go to study after school, and is very lonely.
Therefore, the first task of "excellent students" is to get rid of the plastering of neurotic things and learn to see and develop their individual aptitudes. Sounds like "embracing the immensity"? Mikhail Litvak recommends to start with a simple one, for example, to try to master something that you have been interested in for a long time, but to what, according to me, you do not have abilities. Let it be dancing or playing musical instruments. Don't be afraid to seem ridiculous at some point. Do you like to dance? Dance! Even if you do it worse than others in your class, in the club you will be better than those who have never studied! This will help to get rid of the winner's complex and finally become who you really are, touch yourself.
As for the "adult" success in the profession and career, it is better to think of something that "maybe it will happen now or later", it is very different from the attitude that it "should happen immediately and just as I want it to happen". Do everything in your power to achieve results, but still remember that only a part of success depends on you. You can be flexible enough at the level of means, but sometimes it is worth adjusting the goal itself. Especially if it is clouded.