As a client of many and very different training programs and dozens of psychologists, I can say without a doubt that childhood is what every person sees in adult life.
Why one person grew up in poverty, but love, grows up and becomes realized, successful, happy, and the other, whose childhood has passed in wealth and brightness of material, becomes unhappy, eternally unsatisfied and excessively demanding to the outside world man?
How not to repeat the mistakes of our parents? What do you need to know about childhood to improve your adult life? What role does education play in our behavior in relationships with the opposite sex?
Recently attended a seminar on parenting. The main insides I will share below and draw an analogy with the relationships of the opposite sexes. And here I wrote about my vision of raising a male son.
I assure you that you will find yourself a lot of interesting, useful and compelling to look at yourself, life, relationships and upbringing of children from a different angle.
I ask you to read the article and leave comments below about your new thoughts and conclusions.
In order:
1. There are no bad children - there are bad parents
If you are not happy with your child, if he or she does not behave the way you want/live/"should be", then there is only one thing to say - you are bad parents.
I will draw an analogy with the relationship:
There are no bad wives/husbands. Is there something you are not happy with? Run to the mirror to find the source of the "problem" in the relationship. 1 - Did you choose your partner (or were you forced to do it at gunpoint?), 2 - What are you doing to make the relationship better?
2. A child should not be comfortable. Comfortable - so go with him to the psychologist
Many parents bring up their children as a comfortable accessory to their lives. And they believe that the child should adjust to their mood, lifestyle, requirements, standards, etc.
It is worth understanding that it is through the fact that parents may not like the formation of the personality and quality of the future adult.
Examples of the manifestation of qualities and how parents kill them literally:
The child shows emotion, joy, happiness, noise, and in response: "Shut up, Dad watches TV" - the child shows emotion, joy of life "just for fun.
The child is stubborn, does not want to wear pantyhose, and the answer is: "You have to! What are you so naughty about?! - The child defends his opinion.
The boy wants to dress himself, but his mother still dresses him, because she is in a hurry to do business - the child tries to be independent.
The girl says she doesn't want to eat this porridge anymore in the mornings, but she still gets stuffed in her mouth (the porridge is so useful) - the child shows will.
And then, not without tears in front of our eyes, for example, we look at 35-year-old men with extinct eyes who are unable to provide for their own family. But once this man was a cheerful, energetic child with a potential of a billion!
An analogy with relationships:
A partner should not be comfortable!
If a man starts a relationship with a woman to make him comfortable: washing, cleaning, sex - this is a sign of unhealthy intentions.
As well as women who do not want to be flexible in their relationships with men, referring to the fact that they have already reached the peak of femininity and personality, everyone knows how to do it.
3 Love is the action of the one who is loved
Love is what you show, what you say to a child. The child, like you and I, is not psychic. Speak at least once a day that you love him. Write a text, talk on the phone, hug.
Please, YOU! Take it, as a rule, to do it at least once a day. And even if the child answers, "I know, Mom / Dad. Excellent. So we are sure that the child knows that he or she is loved by his or her parents.
How to determine with a 101% guarantee that the child is loved by parents? Everything is simple. By actions towards them: care for parents, expression of love for parents. This is not the case? So the child is not loved.
The analogy with relationships:
Everything is the same, but with one caveat. There are women and men who are very caring, but their partner does not appreciate it. Conclusion? Caring and when the partner does not appreciate it - a sign of not love, but dependence on the partner.
Why is this happening? Because in childhood they have not received love from parents and adult life dependence on the chosen one is included.
Are you familiar with such a problem in your personal life? Develop self-sufficiency, love, and respect for yourself (not to be confused with pathos, arrogance and categorical).
4. The child needs love and supports the most when it deserves it the least
That's an overwhelming thought, isn't it? It is when a child harms, capricious, does not listen to you, does something bad - this is the feedback for parents that the child does not receive enough love and support.
What do most parents do in such cases? Exactly the opposite. Punish, shout, scold, etc.
The analogy with the relationship between men and women:
A woman who's tired, irritated, unhappy? Man, wake up, most likely you do not perform your male functions, which are evidence of your love for a woman.
A man doesn't want to earn more? Accusing the state of everything? Doesn't believe in himself? Dear lady, hello, what are you doing wrong?
5. Upbringing is not talked, upbringing is behavior
It's easy. You can make speeches for a child better than a Roman speaker, but the child learns only through your behavior.
Do you talk about the dangers of smoking and do you smoke?
Do you teach about the importance of sport, but you forgot when you were in training?
Do you talk about purposefulness, "floating downstream"?
Slowly applauding standing up. (sarcasm)
I hope you have understood that the only best strategy for education is to be an example for your children. It is useless to demand from child qualities that you do not possess
Relationship analogy:
A partner can only be "brought up" by his or her actions. Do you want to love? Give me this love yourself. Do you want attention? Be careful yourself. Do you want to be open? Start opening yourself up.
6. You can't be a bad husband and a good father/good wife and a bad mother
Happy is the one whose parents love each other. And children feel the climate in the family acutely. Well, you were kids, too, and you know exactly what I mean, don't you?
That's why it's important to work on relationships in raising children. One thing without the other is impossible. The more so as parents' relationships are a model of behavior in relationships for a child who will soon become an adult.
Traditional conclusions:
Children are an opportunity to become better parents than were ours.
Raising children begins with love. It is important that this continues no matter what.
It is possible to measure love by the attitude of loved ones towards you.
A child who grew up in love is doomed to be happy, loved, realized, successful.
Raising children is an example that comes from parents.
We all went through a period of "childhood". Our parents brought us up as they could, as they knew how they could. It is wonderful that now there are amazing opportunities for self-education. To become better than we are and to raise a healthy and happy generation.
If you have finished reading before, then I can confidently say that you are the person who does not stop there, thank you for it.