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The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
With a family photographer, we can calmly hope that the mother-in-law's facial expression can be easily photographed, or even covered up as if by accidentally flying a seagull. After all, professional photographers work wonders. For example, they can insert a living king-kong into the frame, make a person hold the sun in the palm of their hand or make the child not crying, but happy.
We naively hope that the day off dedicated to filming will be bright and joyful, like wallpaper in a photo studio. But you need to be prepared for the fact that something will go wrong. Most likely, everything will go wrong. Get ready: the person who waves the flash for the fourth hour will try to squeeze out of your family, including the baby and dog, the maximum of happiness and laid-back movements. Although the only relaxed and attractive movement at this moment will seem to you a painful technique applied to the photographer.
Here are eight reasons for hatred from a person who went through all the horrors of family photography.
1. Persuade everyone
The first difficulty for a woman (for some reason, the idea of making a photoshoot most often comes to mom's mind) is to explain all the advantages of this idea to the family. It takes a long time to convince the husband that those photos that he takes on a smartphone (well, yes, those on which you are forever in an elongated T-shirt) are not suitable for showing off to friends and uploading to the Internet, demonstrating that you are happy in marriage and were able to somehow maintain a decent complexion. You show him beautiful shots from glossy magazines, assuring you that it will be even better, and after many years you will be able to look at them, wiping away the tears of tenderness “Look, what a Sanka there was a peanut! And you have a hairstyle from 2018. Laughter! ”The husband agrees, the children, too, but set an impossible condition: the photoshoot should be in the style of the film“ The Star Trek. Star landing. "
2. Find the same photographer
To find a suitable photographer means to browse through thousands of photographs of children's heels, people against the background of yellowing foliage, strange couples holding hands and facing the sunset, with their backs to the viewer. After that, you understand that there is not much difference, call the person whose children's heels seemed to you closest to reality, and agree ... But no - do not agree. You were not going to take a consumer loan for children's heels at all.
As a result, you call a friend who is engaged in family photography, he promises you a discount, with the condition that a makeup artist-intern will work with you.
3. Put everyone in place (and find this place)
Family photoshoots are usually held either in the studio or in nature. Depending on what ideal picture you imagined. In the case of nature, it seems to people that they will have frames with blooming fields, fluffy white snow or a sunny walk around the city. It is important here that the weather in Russia does not favor photographers. It’s worth aiming at a sunny day and preparing a picnic basket when you have to come up with a new concept: a rainy day, the family shakes under a tree and pretends that it was all thought out and terribly fun. If you are waiting for sparkling snow and rosy cheeks, then a snowstorm will break out that day, which will rip off your false eyelashes and stick them in the form of a mustache for your daughter.
Studios are equipped with white pianos, artificial Christmas trees, and sofas made of light suede - such things that children are not allowed under other circumstances. While you are nervous, and the youngest is violently swinging a decorative porcelain vase, the photographer reports that the color of your shirt merges with the upholstery of the sofa, an interesting effect is obtained - your head is planted on a body that matches the outline of the sofa.
4. Three outfits. Then three more outfits
Actually, in ordinary clothes, it’s not accepted to attend a photo shoot. As a rule, the photographer insists on observing a certain “image” of your family. Suppose today you all decided to dress in white T-shirts and jeans, proving in such a way that you thought up a bow for a long time, but in the end, you couldn’t agree, spat and came like everyone else.
Beware of the photographer’s extravagant finds: “And let's all be in the style of poor guys from a Chicago suburb at the beginning of the 20th century!”
He can warmly convince you that your faces seem to be created for such a plot. But you need to look soberly into the future: after a painful and fruitless search for four pairs of boots of the “beginning of the 20th century”, your whole family will come in white T-shirts and jeans, and only grandfather will be in a red sweater with a deer, because he did not hear about Chicago, but I thought that you are shooting a photoshoot in honor of the long-gone new year.
5. Become a pose
Inexperienced photographers have difficulty in getting the family to merge into a single composition. Everyone in the frame would like to do their own thing: to collect a complex face, to protrude muscles, to try to pull off the wig from the parent... But everyone needs to be crowded and have created some semblance of symmetry, to look at the child, spouse and camera with love. After incredible exertion, you look into the window of the camera and see that the composition turned out nothing, but in all the frames the son picks his nose, and the husband tries to yawn without opening his mouth.
Even worse, everything happens with an experienced photographer. In an authoritative voice, he explains to you the task: “Now everyone is simultaneously bouncing, bending their legs under themselves, looking at the camera and shouting“ Hurray! ”. At the same time, the guys from the back row release pigeons into the air, and the father sends a kiss in flight. ” Eight jumps, and you can’t listen to the satisfied comment of a specialist without tears: “Well, it’s better. Now try to do the same, but half-turn! ”
And if the photographer agrees to your proposal: “Let's just sit on a sofa in a row and look into the distance,” then he is not real.
6. Beauty and sacrifice
Do not forget about the main purpose of the photoshoot - to be a beautiful person in pictures. But here everything turns out against: it is impossible to be beautiful if the tormentor-photographer laid you on the carpet with a "house" - you are with the child downstairs, and your husband is on top and hugs you patronizingly. It is impossible to be beautiful if the baby aggressively pulls the collar of your shirt. And most importantly, the makeup artist-trainee did his dirty deed: on all the shots you now have the face of Irina Allegrova.
7. To captivate the child somehow
Once upon a time, when photographers still did not know how to make 100 frames per minute, they had a special reception for children: “Look, a bird will fly out of here now!”. The children looked through the peephole, and then disappointedly got up and went home. Today, the child does not understand why it takes so much time to sit in the studio if he shot so many successful selfie daddy on the phone yesterday.
In addition, the awake child is a powerful force. Here only he and even the photographer has his own vision, his own concept of staging. The proposals with which the person with the camera tries to inspire the younger ones are not at all impressive: “I do not want to be an angel with wings! No, I don't like just smiling like a fool. And I’ll take the guitar, if only they would allow me to beat her brother as a joke! ” It turns out that the child agrees only to two scenarios: in the first, he hides his face behind his father’s knee, in the second he flies in Batman’s costume and shoots from a gun.
8. Sad result
The day your family will spend in the studio cannot be called the best day of life. But even he does not make any comparisons with the black day when you unpack the result sent by the photographer. The last hope for Photoshop will disappear because it will become clear that your specialist just did not manage to get it.
Everything that you wanted to hide: lack of sleep, extra kilogram (just one), a pattern on your husband’s toes - all this will appear with terrifying clarity on the screen
Only now everyone will notice that before the photoshoot the child painted on his cheeks with a felt-tip pen. And most of the pictures will be in the wildest poses: when you all stand and make a heart from outstretched arms. In general, before you are not pictures from the cover of the magazine, but sad shots, as if filmed for the social advertising "The driver, they are waiting for you at home."
And the guys who have the perfect pictures against the sunset with three obedient children in suits with a lace frill - should not be taken seriously. They are nothing more than an optical illusion, an optical illusion.
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