What is the most powerful weapon for a woman?I realized years before realized, paid a lot of painful price.
Now, Wu came out, can only do half not, Hey!It's hard.
But now that I've moved in that direction, I want to share it with all my friends.
Women's most powerful weapon has two:gentle persistence, and fragile requirements.
I used to have a strong personality, like a man.But the disadvantage is not to say "no", so, every time when I was forced to say from time to time, I was angry with the way, get upset.If I do not want to tear my face, I will only swallow, patience for a long time and will burst, so interpersonal relationships, do things when there is a problem.
Remember many years ago once with Mr., children to visit the United States in-laws.I got sick on the plane and it was hard.Yes, my husband would like to take the whole family on a tour.The route is San Francisco-Yosemite National Park-Grand Canyon-Las Vegas-San Diego-Los Angeles-San Francisco.Change a hotel for the day.He has always been not a personal person, regardless of whether the wife is not physically sick, or to make such a hard journey.And he went out regardless of the child, the child was still small, all the chores, bathing, packing luggage all I have to get.I was full of complaints, but because of the love of the in-laws, did not insist that I was ill, I do not want to go, only silently followed.Later in Las Vegas I broke out, almost wanted to divorce.
When I arrived in Las Vegas, I was tired and hungry. I saw a Japanese restaurant next to the hotel.I don't like American food. I like Asian food. I just wanted to grab some sushi.But her husband is firmly opposed to the United States to eat Japanese food this silly thing, said to eat buffet plus steak, there are special offers, to walk ten minutes to the restaurant.At that time I also can not say no gentle, although I clearly told him I was very hungry, hungry on the whole body weak, very uncomfortable.He still insisted that the walk was a few steps, and asked me not to be so squeamish.I only went wrongly.When I got to the restaurant, I had to wait in line for half an hour.At that time, my face was certainly not good, so in the impression of my in-laws, every time I go back to the United States will swing.Oh, my personality is really a paper tiger, no less eat, but also for good, really contradictory!
Later I found that the Gentle said No, the best.If I insist that I do not travel, want to rest at home, my husband at most is with me tantrums, but my purpose is achieved, I can stay at home sick.If I kept smiling, he would have lost his temper too soon.As long as I'm not angry, this thing will soon pass.If I go to dinner and I smile and say, " Ah, I really want to eat Japanese food, so, you go to eat steak, I stay alone to eat sushi, after I go back to the hotel to rest, I'm tired.""It's all right," he said.But why can't I say it?
Why can't we be gentle?Later, I finally found that I could not adhere to gentle because when I said "No", there will be guilt and remorse in my heart.Therefore, we would rather wrong themselves, do not want to face their own internal share of uncomfortable feelings.After learning Huang Ting Chan, this is not the problem.When I say no, the chest immediately emerged a very uncomfortable blood turmoil (is guilt), this time to focus on the blood fluctuations, attention in the inner, when I can get along with it, you can look up, mouth with a smile, eyes firmly said,“I'm sorry, but I must say no!"”
So, what is the fragile requirement?The miracle course says that every attack is a cry of love.I don't really feel that way until now.The most common argument among couples is that you don't care about me!You're a terrible husband (lover, wife, etc.)!
I can translate those words now.：
You don't care about me!(Translation:I need your attention oh!Can you value me?When you do that, I feel disrespected and I feel hurt.）
You suck!(Translation:you did not do what I want you to do, I have a certain expectation of you, when you can not do it, I feel very hurt!）
You Never Loved Me!What you're doing now, or what you've done before, hurts me.I don't think you love me because they don't meet my demands on you.）
So, when we blame each other in anger, it is because we are not willing to face the fact that I am fragile, I have expectations for you, I have requirements for you.It is my expectation, my needs that I have anger with you, disappointment with you, will be so angry.So, the problem is with me, not with you.
But how many people can take their eyes off the blame and put it on themselves?It's so hard.Honey, there is no one else out there,that's a good example.Most women (and men) are not willing to admit that they have needs, expectations, so it will be straight and strong to blame each other is not, will not review their expectations, the need to create a conflict between the two.
So isn't it much better if you don't blame the other person at the time and instead tenderly and flabbergingly admit that you really need him?For example,：
Why do you have so much to do?Don't bother?You have a lot to socialize with.I am so lonely at home, I really want you to accompany me.）
Why are you buying all this stuff?Spending money is not considered at all!When you spend money like this, I'm nervous.I worry about our finances.You know, I'm always insecure about money.）
Would you mind not making the music so loud?That was loud!(The music is too loud, my ears are very uncomfortable, please turn down a little, okay?）
In fact, the above communication with "non-violent communication" (my previous blog has introduced this book, Simplified Chinese edition published by Huaxia publishing house) there are many similarities, want to strengthen this aspect of communication skills, you can refer to the book.
But I personally feel that skills can be learned, but not necessarily make out.Because what we really have to face is our own inherent vulnerability.If you can accept your inner weakness, you can make these skills available.Many people do not want to admit their needs and weaknesses, so it is easier to blame each other.
Gentle persistence, fragile requirements.Aah!And the world of women to share.