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The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
Parents know even more about cognitive dissonance than the American psychologist and term author Leon Festinger. It manifests itself in a feeling of discomfort, when two conflicting ideas clashed inside. Festinger did not mention that the confusion is stronger when a wild roar from the outside is added to the internal struggle: “No, I want the lego man to have eyebrows!”
In fairness, it must be admitted that a person without children does not always make rational choices. We often repeat the learned behavioral patterns, and logic walks somewhere to the side. The good news is that we tend to get rid of psychological inconvenience. This is easy to notice, plunging into any holivar in social networks, where people begin to stifle the internal conflict with excuses, accusations and bomb insults.
In our hearts, we are doing our best to choose one strategy, to cram a dissenting voice in ourselves. And just in case, a little lego-man stick his eyebrows.
We selected five typical cognitive dissonances that most parents face.
1. Obedient child versus proactive and living child
Despite the difference in character in children, all parents keep in mind the image of one ideal person into whom their child will grow up. He has leadership qualities, perseverance, courage to express his point of view. And he, like a young Ilyich-Mask, leads everyone behind him. We really like the little bullies. “Well done, boy, he knows what he wants!” - we giggle at the schoolboy, who took apart his father’s bicycle and made a drum for the “Field of Miracles”.
We are touched by the heroes of children's literature, who are throwing porridge on someone’s head outside the window or stealing horses in the morning fog
But nobody wants to put up with such innovators at home.
We listen to seminars “How to make him obey” or worry when, at the first word, the child did not make the bed. We persistently tell the children that everyone does not need to obey, and as a whole we explain about the critical approach to the world. And then we worry that in the first lesson “Mental Beadwork”, the five-year-old Kolya ignored the teacher and generally made it clear that her style was not close to him.
The reason for the dissonance is the discrepancy between our past experiences of today's life. A few decades ago, for episodes of self-expression, children received a severe punishment by today's standards: someone was locked up in a barn, slapped with a belt, offered refreshments from rods. In my Soviet childhood, telling a teacher that you have no mood to learn letters today was not comme il faut. Yes, that there is "not comme il faut" - it is simply life threatening. Today we have become more liberal and even praise the baby who brought three arguments against his father’s invitation to sleep: this one will not disappear!
2. A comfortable environment against preparing for difficulties
Overly caring mothers and people who make non-standard decisions scare future life difficulties. For example, those who abandoned the kindergarten: “And what - your Vasya is not participating in yard fights at the age of six? And how will he continue to live? ” Articles about the pampered children of generation Z, discussions on the topic: “What do they want, they have everything ...”, they bring embarrassment to the hearts of people who offer the best to children. We know that we need to invest in children, and a prosperous childhood is a reliable protection against future storms. But, on the other hand, often our children have by default everything that we only dreamed about or made serious efforts to achieve our cherished goal. Many grandparents are outraged only after hearing about unconditional acceptance: that is, how is it to love anyone?
No, if the boy is bad and disorderly, we don’t need him like that here. Come out, Petya, beyond the threshold
Development from a point of rest, that a person strives to improve not only at the gunpoint - these ideas are new to many.
We are used to gathering willpower in the face of a threat, dismissal, or exam. And the parents either play the fairy, placing their children on an environment where no one ever says the word “fool”, then, suddenly flaming up, promise the children serious problems, threaten failures and tell what a terrible world is around. This is a consequence of the split, which is especially pronounced if public opinion does not support us. For example, only you from the entire parental committee suggested abolishing compulsory morning reprimands for children in the kindergarten.
3. A bright personality against an ordinary child
Many remarkable people tell in their autobiographies that they were not like peers: they often got sick, sat in the corner, thinking about how they would rule the world in the future, fantasized about aliens, studied badly and generally seemed like a stranger to their own family. We respect the unique identity of our child, who declares that he will now go to school in a plush starfish costume. However, having spent the star personality on the line, where the rest are dressed in a white top - a black bottom, we are noticeably nervous.
Any oddity, dissimilarity of the child to the average makes parents freak out. This annoying average guy from birth is gaining weight on schedule, says the required number of words per year, then diligently goes to school and gets only good grades.
And if in conversations we agree that all people are different, each has their own strengths, and mathematics is not necessarily one of them, then in the family circle there is no, no, and we break down. “Well, why can't you be like everyone else?”, “Does everyone in your class bring dead pigeons home?”, “Why are you not interested in this book?” At your age, everyone loves her. ”
This problem can be attributed to historical memory. In our society, attempts to stand out, loudly declare their uniqueness and generally be different were not welcomed for a long time. “Why are you - something special?”, This phrase usually says that now you will be hit on the nose. Fortunately, the world still more often favors special than those who got scared and took off their starfish costume.
4. One main hobby against versatile development
Anya is passionately engaged in piano. Sergey is absorbed in programming. And our child left the artist yesterday, three months ago - gymnastics, and now he wants to go to the biological circle. Frivolous approach! We bite our nails, we did not instill in the younger perseverance!
But if Masha’s daughter lives only with the thought of dinosaurs and has been refusing to go to the museum for a year, if they didn’t guess at the entrance, they would put up any overwhelming diplodocus, then this worries her father and mother even more. Why is she not interested in anything else?
This inconsistency stems from the fact that we assume too much responsibility. We completely deprive the child of the opportunity to immerse himself in the search, in an independent exploration of the world. In addition, there is a typical mistake: to think that the child will behave this way always. Until the end of his days he will carry a card with ancient dinosaurs and reduce any conversation to what is happening in the Jurassic Park. But pretty soon he will switch to football and at every opportunity he will screw in a brief certificate of the success of the Croatian national team.
5. Authoritarian education against modern approaches
Many people imagine the educational process: the child does something, and the parent runs up and shouts: “Well, what have you done! It was necessary to act like this ... ". But in response - only a muffled annoyance. And advanced media, over and over again, say that we are behaving incorrectly: we need to educate children with our own example, leading questions, carefully ... Trapped, dads and mothers are afraid (and right!) To evaluate the child, to praise, reproach, crush, threaten - that is, act through typical manipulation. But at the same time, they feel the need to influence, intervene, control, correct.
The problem here is not so much in internal contradictions as in the absence of educational tools at hand. Everyone is very happy reading the books of Hippenreiter, Faber and Mazlish, Petranovskaya, because they explain what kind of phrase you need to say so that everyone will feel better right away. And without a desperate bubbling and insulting words about the child. This is not his lack of luck - we lacked the right techniques.
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