Hello! You are on the channel All or nothing, thanks for reading me! Glad to see you and enjoy reading!
The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
A very restrained dad comes to pick up a five-year-old daughter from music classes. It can be seen that music was not easy today: a man in pink moos and tries to stab Dad in the stomach with a little dark. There is an atmosphere of inspiration around (this means that a couple of people hold violin cases in their hands), and one aunt lifts an eyebrow at a loss.
For some reason, when there is at least one violin on the horizon, the general awkwardness escalates. Dad first pretends that his daughter is joking, and even giggles strainedly in response to her antics. Then he gets lost, hastily helps his daughter put on a jumpsuit and rushes to the exit with a bullet.
For many of us, dad’s feelings are familiar. As a rule, we feel shame for a child in two cases. First of all, when it seems to us that he is not cool enough.
At the parent meeting, all children are praised for their powerful reading speed, but they said about ours that he chewed paper
Moreover, success in different layers is perceived differently. A marginal parent can feel confused if he is hinted that his baby does not take his shoulder blades in the dark nook of the yard, and generally stopped giving back. Parents of gifted children are also nervous: “Vasya! When you were awarded the Nobel Prize, we noticed that you don’t have a handkerchief. My father and I did not fail a little underground under shame. ”
Another option: we know that everything is in order with the child, he just somehow behaves wrong. Most often this happens when the situation does not correspond to the natural behavior of the child. And we come across them everywhere. Even the line in the children's clinic is still an unfriendly place, and the only available entertainment in it is to play quietly with wardrobe numbers. If someone jumps on one leg, the nurses and the grandmother sitting in the corner, who mixed up the children's clinic with the adult, will be indignant.
Shame may be irrational or justifiable, but in any case it is the problem of the parent, not the child. Although the latter often gets it.
Why is shame
This emotion does not appear when a parent and a child drink tea in the kitchen. She certainly needs viewers, at least virtual ones. Shame is a social feeling and is based on the fear of being rejected by your group. For many millennia, a favorable assessment by fellow tribes has been a valuable resource for man. And those whose children did not immediately understand the gesture “Stop banging the battery with a digging stick”, most likely, were expelled from the warm cave in the cold.
In those distant times, social exclusion threatened us with death, but even in the 21st century, we still retained in our hearts the desire not to anger other bus passengers.
It’s easier for us to yell at Alyoshka than to inform others that Alyoshka was not hanging from the rail on the handrail from evil and will no longer be
The shame associated with social assessment is very dependent on the culture in which we live. Societies in which children are tolerated help parents feel calmer, friendlier, and even somehow more fun to meet with the teacher.
It would be great if Russia became a less severe place. So that every dad whose child was planning to mumble does not look around in a panic: “What will they think of me?” Perhaps the All-Russian program will help us, introducing such items as “do not blame your neighbor if his child spilled jelly”, “don’t threaten juvenile justice with a person whose daughter takes off his hat”, “don’t freak out, even if everyone is in the elevator for you look around. "
In the end, today it really doesn’t care what they in the elevator think about you: you are a bad mother or not. This will no longer matter if the elevator is repaired and the doors still open.
How to deal with shame
Psychologist and shame researcher Bren Brown understands our parental feelings well. According to her findings, motherhood and parenting is one of the most powerful triggers that trigger the process of self-determination. Among others, of course, themes of appearance, sexuality, mental and physical health, and professional identity were revealed. But dealing with shame is still possible.
1. Recognize your vulnerability
Shame does the most harm to those people who believe that they should be perfect in everything. It’s not bad for ideal parents to sometimes pull their sleeves and tell the internal perfectionist: “Yes, I am filled with paint and am ready to fall through the ground when my child takes the floor at a banquet. Even when you have to peel baby chewing gum from someone else's coat. It can happen to me at any moment. ” The point here is not to poison your soul, but to know the enemy by sight. This is the only way to defeat him.
2. Do not deny the behavior of the child
People who are struggling to avoid pain can deny what is happening: “No, Vanya could not open a terrarium. So what if he sits inside. It's some kind of mistake. Or maybe he was lured by geckos. ” This is a difficult but necessary step: to admit that geckos have nothing to do with it, and Vanya today was not up to par. In general, it is useful to recall that we, of course, influence the child, educate him, but are not able to control all his actions, especially when he is 14 and he shaved “I hate the whole world” on his head.
3. Team up with other parents
The logic here is this: when we are ashamed, we feel isolated. Everyone looks askance, and some also condemn: some look, some pose, some just the shape of a hat. Conversation with other parents and honest conversation save us from the terrible feeling of rejection. Surprisingly, they also sometimes think that they are alone in a ring of contempt. It turns out that there is a whole crowd in this ring!
4. Discuss and seek a way out together
This point, which is not immediately clear, suggests that there is no need to disagree with the guys from the previous one. Shame is associated with powerlessness, and discussing it, choosing various options for action, we contrast powerlessness with our power. Ok, let it still not smell of power, but we have some options for action. At the same time, we feel the support of a friendly circle, which in itself is inspiring, especially if this circle does not try to slip away. And what? You just asked to liquidate the consequences of the flood, which arranged Helen. However, the American psychologist Paul Gilbert, the author of a book about compassion and sympathy, warns: it will not be so easy to get a warm company with shame.
5. Cope with your own stress.
When we scourge ourselves with shame, our brains turn into a stressful state, in which there are two angles of “hit or run”. In the second case, we are in a humiliated position: for some reason, we apologize to everyone. In the state of “Beat!” We are aggressive. By nature, it was thought that we would intimidate or defeat potential enemies, but we would usually fall upon a guy who accidentally put a bandwagon on a waiter. Therefore, the first thing Paul Gilbert offers to deal with stress and impulsive reactions. That is - do not break down on the child. You can discuss his behavior later, without injuring self-esteem and without scaring a wild gnashing of teeth.
6. Do not consider yourself a bad parent
Psychiatrist David Sack hurries to add an important thing. You need to try to separate the person from his actions. That is, you probably blundered when you forgot to tell your child about the rules of conduct on the escalator. But this circumstance does not at all make you a worthless parent. Although the world does not give a standing ovation to each of my parental moves, but I am already an interesting person, right?
Thank you for reading this article, I hope you enjoyed it. Subscribe to the channel, leave comments and come again!