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The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
In addition, they missed the debate on the correct wording when referring to kindergarteners, still have not heard about ageism, always blurting out: "Do not argue with the elders!" nothing but the depreciation of other people's feelings. Here are four psychological tactics for communicating between adult children and adult parents.
1. Bring attention
The phrase addressed to an adult daughter at a banquet of 48 people: “Why don’t you get married?” Is not just an amazing rudeness, but it can also hide your own anxiety. Mom, for example, is terribly worried that her daughter will remain an old maid at 23.
Psychologist's advice: “The easiest option is to openly ask“ Why are you asking me this? ”. So you make it clear to the interlocutor that you do not consider it necessary to answer immediately, and at the same time transfer the conversation to him. ”
How, most likely, things will go: Feeling some awkwardness of the phrase from jokes about psychologists, we still decide to pronounce it from somewhere in the depths of the feast, because of the plate with the salad. Instead of starting to delve into herself and be amazed at insights, my mother resents the volume of the fire siren: “How why? Worrying! ”
“Yes, yes, we were divorced for the second time these years! She was always funny! ”- voices come from the corner where some people you see are sitting for the first time. You blush, jump out from the table and pull off the general tablecloth half a meter.
What is the best way to proceed:
- When you are already married you ...
- Mom, can you pass the bread? Such a delicious fish. Did you catch it yourself?
2. Be as honest as possible
Lying to parents is not good - parents told us about this from childhood. It seems it's time to take the advice.
Psychologist's advice: “Tell the truth. This may be an honest and concise answer “I don’t know.” For example, to the question “When will you become a mother?” You can honestly answer “Now I have different priorities in life. My career is more important to me now. ”
What’s most likely the case will go: “Now I have different priorities,” - you justify yourself to your parents, who came to visit and said from the threshold that 30 years is the last chance to have a child and hop onto the last car of the tram that is rolling in maternity hospital. Here you recall sincerity and cut it alive:
“To tell you the truth, giving birth does not seem to me an attractive occupation. If you choose, I would rather ride a dog team in Alaska. Especially now, when we have a reshuffle at work, I am seriously thinking about switching to freelance and going to the other end of the world. It will be by the way, because I recently discovered that Sergei and I are not such a good couple. He does not like traveling, and besides, he has some kind of intrigue on the side. Oh yes, and he is also addicted to soft drugs, so you can see for yourself: until the children, divorce, then yes ... Why did you stare out so strangely and breathe loudly? What? Valerian. I'll find now…".
What is the best way to proceed:
- We heard that a grandson was born at the Balamutins! Rosy! Looks like a grandfather. When will you get together?
“We would like your grandson to be born not in the footsteps of Balamutinsky, but when his parents realize that they are already fully prepared to take on all the hardships of this difficult ...”
- Children are happiness!
- Well, it's time to tell you the truth: a genetic test showed that we have a huge chance of triplets, that is, quadruples. If we decide, we will not be able to do without your help, including financial. You understand that this is a responsible matter.
Parents fall silent and look into the distance for a long time.
3. Answer the same
Somehow, it has historically developed that in our country, everything is very bad for people with personal boundaries. Even a stranger in the queue can suddenly start giving you advice on how to fix your bite, how to comb your babies and how to equip Russia. What can we say about parents. It often seems to them that by prompting and giving offensive advice, they really help.
Psychologist's advice: “You must protect your borders again and again. For example, if mom says on the phone that you are overweight, you can say: “Mom, I will not tolerate negative comments about my weight.” If she doesn’t calm down, try to end each phone call in five seconds after mentioning your weight. ”
How, most likely, things will go:
- By the way, son, have you already refused flour? I saw the program, they said that your abdomen is a dumb testimony of malnutrition ...
- I will not tolerate negative comments about my stomach!
- What-what son? Badly heard. So, the program recommended celery ...
“If you don't stop, I'll hang up.” Five, four ...
- Celery removes the stomach!
- Bye, Mom.
...
- Son, for some reason the connection was cut off. So you did not hear about celery. And there are more exercises ...
What is the best way to proceed:
“Son, I saw the show ...”
- Mom, look, this is also a program. You hear what they say: giving a person advice about his body shape, posture and bald head is a sure way to nervous diseases. To progressive delusions. No, unfortunately, herbs do not help. Have pity on yourself for all of us!
4. Criticize yourself before parents do it.
It's a shame when dad and mom continue to criticize you for any reason. Although you have not been a child for a long time, and no one needs to show what you did wrong when you glued the application, cooked soup, wrote a great poem. The thoughtful “Um ...” is quite enough for us to understand that our parents did not appreciate our latest achievement. But no, they continue to evaluate and report.
Psychologist's advice: “Do not accept criticism. The main thing is to remain calm and friendly. Take a short pause, and then gently disagree with the remark. ”
How, most likely, things will go:
- What kind of work do you have, daughter? But disgusting work.
- No, dad, I do not agree. You see, hearts with eyes fly on the screen? This is my design. I invented and painted them for a month.
- Nonsense. Who needs it.
- Everyone needs it. A man sat behind the screen, saw his eyes, he began to live happier.
- I would hang myself. So many years of study - down the drain.
- I'm sorry to disappoint you, but my hearts won the contest "Best Design on a Gold Background."
- Oh my God! My daughter participates in cretin competitions. You still drive to Eurovision.
Everyone is crying.
What is the best way to proceed:
- What do you do at work?
- Yes, all the crap. The country is filthy, work - gloom, life - failed.
Everyone hugs and cries.
We have a weak but persistent hope that these tips will never be useful to anyone.
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