The modern world, striving for perfection, imposes on us an endlessly growing list of requirements. This list, as horizon, how many not run to him, always is deleted. We want to fit the list, but forget to ask ourselves, why do we need it?
High expectations, high standards, which one of us has not passed it? Perfectionism infect us in childhood, "be the best in everything" - parents want, "do only 5" - dictates the school, only then you will love, respect. If you do not cope-a loser, a loser...We begin to perceive even small mistakes and failures as a defeat, a personal tragedy. After all, we were taught that you always need only victory, victory hard-bound respect.
Perfectionism, as a perpetual motion machine, supermotivation to achieve any goal is always with us. People infected with perfectionism are easy to manage. Enough hint them on imperfections in work, personal life, looks, education, grievances about and camping on D., to provoke on right behavior. Only hint, because they themselves always know exactly what does not hold in all.
It would be great if these imaginary victories also brought happiness. But life shows that the desire to win everything, to be the best brings us a lot of experiences, takes a lot of energy, increases the time of "licking wounds", but does not give joy. We can not accept that we are so perfect and perfect is not appreciated, not loved, not accepted. Our life becomes a competition. If we knew who we were competing with and where we were going to end up? What line would you tick next?
Society shapes our need to win. Since childhood, we are responsible for failures and failures in front of a large number of significant adults, the fear of not living up to their expectations. And if the original of the child waiting for an impossible victory, not counting his strength, capabilities, abilities and desires, doomed to planned failure. What is at the forefront in this case? Victory at all costs? For what? Victory for victory's sake? Maintenance of parental neurosis?
It is one thing if something important depended on the victory, the victory would be the actual result of any activity, process. A stepping stone to the planned goal, an indicator of the passed stage, when a lot of physical and moral resources were spent. In this case, everything is clear, loss, failure-a serious reason for the analysis, search for errors, causes and planning a new sequence of steps. And in other cases, what is behind the desire to win?
Our children learn to live, to win and to lose at us, parents. Adopt attitudes and strategies of behavior. Often it is difficult for us to find the right words of support for the child, because we do not know how to lose, perceiving his defeat as our own.
It would be good to allow the child to make a useful conclusion from the event, to get him away from objavljivanja, total separation of black and white, good and bad. Help him find two, and better more poles, sides overthrew the. Tell the story of his or someone else's life, where there was a similar situation and always a good, prosperous end. It is important that the soothing words of adults do not go against their reaction to their own victories and failures.
It is important not to devalue the loss of the child, not to dismiss as unimportant nonsense. "Nor what terrible! Don't think about it, forget it, put it out of your head!". To help the child to see, to open, to think up "pluses" of such state of things, even the most improbable. Play a game where you will need to finish the phrase .....(occurred event.…). and it's good, because...... (some benefit from the event). For example: broken plate, Cup, scattered salt, sugar....and this is good, because now there is a reason to carefully clean the floor in the kitchen, choose and buy a new Cup, go to the store for sugar and something sweet for tea,....continue.): In psychology, this wonderful technique is called - "Reframing", which means a change in the frame of the picture, ie, a new vision of the situation. And do not be afraid to overdo it or become a frivolous optimist, divorced from reality. Just ask yourself the question: "does life Help and improve my perception of reality through the glasses of the ever-losing, not "OK"?"
All our life is a chain of incessant different events. Events can be evaluated and assigned the name " victory "or" defeat", put them in piles of" good "and"bad". Form an attitude towards yourself, calling "winner" or "loser", engage in self-criticism. And you can just sometimes allow yourself to relax and allow yourself to just be. To live and be happy no matter what.