After adulthood, there are still some more or less residual psychological complexes between parents.These unresolved psychological problems with parents are often brought into marriage.There are many psychologists believe that in marriage, ostensibly we are living with our spouses, in fact, constantly re-experience their past relationship with their parents.Marriage relationship, we can say that in the process of growing up, interaction with parents reproduce the pattern.
These vestiges of psychological complexes are like the whirlpool undercurrents in the river of marriage.The more residual complexes brought into the marriage, the higher the risk of going through the river of marriage.
Special " psychological buttons”
In marriage, we are often inexplicably“enraged " by our spouses.Sometimes we are particularly intolerant of an expression, an action, or some part of our temperament.The spouse inadvertently said: "you really useless", we can make the storm, fuss.Suddenly, we seem to see in the spouse, and the parents of the harsh criticism of the shadow; in the emotional, seems to have experienced again the pain of childhood by the parents of the harsh criticism.
These psychological complex, and in the process of growing up, is set in his own heart on the“psychological program”.When someone presses a specific "button", says a certain sentence or does something, after the interpretation and processing of their own mind program, it produces some emotional or behavioral reaction.
For my own example, I had a psychological complex of“fear of being wronged by my family”since I was a child.Growing up, when my wife or others wronged me, often cause excruciating emotional reactions in my heart, so that I will desperately defend myself, want to explain to people, do not let others wronged me.Because I have the“fear of being wronged”program, when others wronged me (I press the button for fear of being wrongly accused), I have a negative emotional response.Conversely, if someone laughs at me short(press another button), but can not make me angry,because I am tall, never afraid of others laugh at me short.There is no program in my heart,no matter how others Press this button, I can not make a reaction.
In the example provided earlier, the spouse's phrase "you are really useless", if you can make you angry, because the spouse just press our "button".If we hadn't had that mental program, we wouldn't have made a big deal out of it.
In other words, if I don't help you, you will never be able to "make me angry".Or: I'm not angry at you, I'm”angry at what I experience in my heart (or what I see in my eyes) you".
Unfortunately, not many people understand that we are angry, in fact, is related to themselves, others simply press the button.What makes us react is the“complex”and“program " in our hearts, as well as the colored glasses we wear ourselves.And this part should be our own responsibility to change.
When we hear the spouse say "you really useless" this kind of words (everyone's different programs, psychological weakness is different, most afraid to hear the words are not the same), we often like to touch the electricity in general, immediately react, hate each other into the bone, because the other touched our sore and thinking revenge, deliberately to press the other side
It's a vicious cycle.
Unfortunately, this does not review their psychological complex (program), only to blame others to press their own buttons and make themselves angry phenomenon abound in marriage.The old relationships between parents and children before marriage have not been resolved, and now they are hurting each other with their spouses, creating new complexes and escalating conflicts.New hatred plus old hate, seriously damage the feelings between husband and wife.
No matter where a person is, with whom to marry, the heart of the old and new“complex " (program) will always follow him.If these complexities are not addressed, the same mistakes may be repeated.
The choice is a mysterious and wonderful process.One woman, whose father was an alcoholic, married three times when she was growing up, and all three of her ex-husbands turned out to be alcoholics.
Later, her psychotherapist found that the woman had a strong need to take care of her father's type of " weak."It was only when she took care of her alcoholic husband that she felt useful and fulfilled.She was unknowingly attracted to alcoholics and married them, but she hated alcoholics and divorced three times.Her message was: "taking care of alcoholics is the only way to make me feel valued and needed."If this program does not change, we can predict that her fourth husband, will be a drunken.
In addition there is a lady, life is the most hated by people, but also the most hated with the authority of the man.She had a tyrannical father who made her and her mother suffer.Growing up away from home, she got married.However, due to the oversensitivity to the authority of men, after marriage, she could not even afford to send her husband to normal level.After her divorce, she vowed to find a partner who was completely different from her father and ex-husband.So, when she met a gentle and elegant man, immediately fell in love.After marriage, she began to hate her husband's weakness and lack of self-respect.And when she wanted to change him, to his initiative and naturally become a little more powerful, he was because of the loss of self and the oppression of the more tender.As a result of the vicious circle, their marriage produced great difficulties.
It is clear that the unresolved psychological baggage between the woman and her father (her psychological complex is“the question of authority”) deeply affected her two marriages, although the impact of different ways, however, are also "the question of authority" in the work.The woman had to learn to be mature, to face her father and other good authority men, to learn how to get along with them, to educate themselves from a new experience, to solve the hearts of the remnants of the old account.Otherwise, the issue of authority will continue to affect her marriage and prevent her from having a normal relationship with men.
First detect, then change the thought patterns
These“psychological programs”or“psychological complex " in people's hearts can be changed.As an example of my own“fear of being wronged,”the first step to changing the program is to be alert to its existence.
Over the years, I have often found myself agitated and prone to over-apologising behaviour from the emotional reactions of others.From the observation, I found myself with”fear of being wronged " program.I don't like these childish behavioral tendencies, so I made up my mind to change it.
Since then, whenever I feel someone wronged me (you can feel the body began to have an impulse response), I immediately lit a red light in my heart, began to“self-dialogue”, tell yourself:“do not attack, wait a minute, you do not know, and therefore impulse is naive and stupid......”or“psychological program is in trouble, if you feel at ease, No I'm responsible for my thoughts and actions, and I don't have to defend myself more than I can defend myself.……”
Change the mind,you can change the emotional response.In the process of changing my“fear of being wronged”, I failed many times.However, after the failure of the feelings of dissatisfaction and shame, become my motivation to improve myself, make me more and more want to change this program.It takes a lot of effort to change a“mental program”that is nurtured from childhood, and it takes a lot of“trial and error”to change a "mental program" that is nurtured from childhood.
I was lucky enough to live with my family for a while, and that was the most effective and challenging environment for me to change my mind. I believe that opportunity saved me a lot of time to change my mind.
Now, I still dare not say that I have completely changed the”fear of being wronged " psychological program, but I know that the impact of this program on me has been greatly reduced.When someone occasionally presses the”I'm afraid of being wronged " button, the program has not been able to manipulate my emotions as usual.
Change your mind.
Before concluding this point, I would like to emphasize that one can never control what others say and do, cannot insist that others do not press the psychological button to irritate themselves, and cannot forbid others to make themselves uncomfortable.Even if there is a way to make everyone in the world feel good to me, there are still many unpleasant things in the world that can touch our psychological program.The only way to make yourself happy is to change the routine in your heart and make yourself sound and happy.
It is up to each person to change their mindset, not to blame their parents, or anyone else who has hurt us in childhood.Many times, others hurt us unintentionally, others hurt our hearts sometimes because they are not mature enough, do not know what they are doing, and we in immature, also hurt the hearts of many people.
The formation of psychological programs, it is difficult to say who is wrong.This is not a perfect world, blame and revenge, are useless, will consume the energy that could be used to grow, but delayed our time to adapt.