There are two completely different processes: to hear and to listen. Listening to another person is not just processing the sounds coming to you from the environment. If you are sure that there is nothing tricky in the ability to listen to the other is not, especially it is not necessary to learn — then you need to read this article very carefully. Because people are born with the ability to hear, but the skill to listen to another must be learned.
When we communicate, we often make mistakes. For example, we are more worried about being heard. We want at all costs to convey our point of view to the interlocutor. Sometimes we even make a plan of conversation, so as not to forget to say what is important to us. As a result, the conversation turns into an alternation of "say" -> "wait until silent" -> "say" -> "wait until silent" and so on. From this communication typically remains the impression that everyone was talking about her, though, was together.
Those who have less need to" talk "may find themselves in a state of"waiting for him to stop." While thinking about something else, something to remember from time to time to nod and eventually be caught off guard by the question, "are You even listening to what I'm saying now?!»
How to listen to a person
Some do not listen "open mind", and at the same time parallel to test their hypotheses and assumptions. For example, here is a dialogue:
Wife: "I had a hard day at work today... so many things...and even meetings. I don't have time for anything. Remember that a case? It's still not resolved. I don't know what to do.»
Husband: "Yeah. Things happen."(he thought: "another rough day, I wonder what the outcome of tonight scandal? Not time anything — where this is going? Probably wants to start talking about the housekeeper again. Why did she bring up the incident? Something must have happened, and she's not telling me. I must be on my guard.»)
If he had listened to her openly and uncluttered, he would have known that she was worried, anxious, afraid because of her work, and all she needed today were words of encouragement and help to ease her anxiety and fear.
Such parallel processing of information can greatly complicate communication, not to mention the lack of mutual understanding and, as a result, mutual happiness.
• If you ever have anyone (and especially loved ones!) say things like "I don't think you can hear me" or "can you listen properly for once?«
• If someone is talking to you, begins to raise his voice, trying to shout to you-check whether you are able to listen to the other person.
Sometimes we honestly think we are listening, but in fact we produce a completely different impression.
The skill of listening to another person can be learned, it is not difficult. In addition, if you try, you will realize how many new things you can learn from other people, which previously did not pay any attention.
Of course, this will have a positive impact on your relationship, and in addition, your communication with family and friends will turn from "television broadcasting" into a real live communication.
8 ways to become a good listener
1. Free your mind. Check how you feel, what are your assumptions about the upcoming conversation, what is your mood. Ask yourself, are you really ready to listen to this person now? For example, you may think that the last time you were upset by a conversation with this person. Put your assumptions aside — each time can be different, and you should not program yourself in advance. Enter the conversation with pure perception.
2. Make your interlocutor a gift: a few minutes of your full attention. All your attention is given to him and only to him. He'll appreciate it. For spouses, such "gifts" to each other can unexpectedly improve relationships. If you thought "Why on earth would I do such gifts to him, here's another" - think about what else you wanted to give these 2 minutes of your life. Was it really worth it?
3. Ask open-ended questions.
1. Pay attention to the nonverbal signs that you give the interlocutor. You listen not only with your ears, but with your whole body. And other people automatically perceive it. Look into the eyes, turn to the interlocutor, put aside the phone, turn off the TV, check what position your body occupies. If you really don't have time to listen to someone right now, tell them when you have time for them.
2. Let the person understand that you hear him: specify, ask, rephrase, support. Don't say, "Yeah, well, I had a case like that," that doesn't apply to active listening. This is a banal alternation of " say - > wait until silent."
3. Find out from your interlocutor whether he felt heard and understood.
4. If the conversation is unpleasant and emotionally loaded, do not necessarily seek to Express their point of view at all costs. You can always write a letter or make notes for yourself to return to these issues later under more favorable conditions.
5. If you find it very difficult to sustain this conversation, take a break. It is better to return to painful or difficult topics with "fresh" attention than to mess up, being under the influence of negative emotions.
Some people can help counseling: a side look at the confusing situation in communication can be useful and help to understand what is happening.