I have repeatedly come to clients who worried about one question: why from time to time in their relationship repeats the same scenario? It seems like you do things differently, but ... relationships still end in the same way. Like last time, like the time before. After 2-3 attempts there are suspicions that something is wrong. Maybe this is nasugbu? I don't believe in fate or that someone is uniquely destined to be alone. I believe that relationships are hampered by specific communication problems. Let's define and change the harmful regularity.
Troubled relationships come across with a wide range of problems. Among them are scandals, mutual claims, misunderstanding, inaccessibility, discontent, mistrust, narcissism, toxic relationships, psychological and physical violence (abuse), alcohol and drug abuse, etc. etc. Eventually the couple comes to a separation. If it happens once — it's an accident. But what if it becomes a constant "rake"?
I don't pretend that I will consider all possible options. I'll tell you about the ones that come across more often.
Let's start with the first three:
* fear of intimacy
• habit
• scenario Requirement/Wide
Fear of intimacy is like a boomerang that returns
Intimacy in a relationship is an emotional closeness to a partner. Allowing your inner guard to relax and lower his weapon. You can openly share your feelings and calmly accept your partner's feelings, including negative ones. Share the inner world.
If one person in a couple is afraid of intimacy, because he was previously severely wounded or experienced emotional trauma, then he either rejects intimacy, or chooses a partner like himself.
In these cases, the relationship is devoid of warmth and openness. The second person feels like a couple, but at the same time like alone. Emotions are traffic lights that tell you where to go, so discussing what you're feeling helps you understand the other person's behavior. If there is neither, one can only guess, or ... leave. Dissatisfaction with the relationship of either one of the couple, or both, leads to separation.
What to do?
Intimacy doesn't just come out of nowhere — it's being worked on. Some have to work harder and longer than others. Here are the approximate directions:
* make it a rule to Express positive emotions about your relationship and your partner. Don't assume he already knows why he's talking. It is necessary to speak, because it is important for everyone to know from the source that he is valued, loved and respected.
* create conditions for the opportunity to be alone. Someone is important to talk, someone to touch each other, someone-to play chess, someone likes to walk — your choice. The more young children you have, the more important this point is.
* learn to Express feelings through Self-messages. Don't say, "Why didn't you warn me?!"Say, 'I'm so hurt because I wanted to be the first to know.'
Habitual behavior, including thoughts
Habit is second nature, you hear? The same goes for how we think. Yes, Yes, if many years in a row to think in a certain way, it will develop a familiar pattern that works first.
Let me give you an example: an hour passed, but my husband did not respond to SMS. What are the possible explanations for why?
"What if something happened to him?!»
"He doesn't care what I write!»
• "He's probably back with someone fun flirting!»
"He's in a meeting (on the road, etc.).)»
"Answer when he can."
You see, that every option leads to concrete emotions, and those, in turn — to action?
One option will be more familiar to you than the others. It will work faster and will seem like it is similar to the truth. Moreover, every day we automatically do the motions a thousand times, so it becomes one thousand and one.
To react in a different way-feels alien and not like the truth. Even if a person understands that the usual way does not lead to anything positive for both sides, he still continues to choose this option.
The habit is formed if the behavior gives reward, benefit. Example: if smashing crockery gives short-term relief from strong negative emotions, the chances of repetition. A man throws cups again and again, even if he's ashamed and knows he shouldn't have.
What to do?
Determine the usual patterns: independently or with the help of a therapist. Try to understand whether the benefit involved, and if so, what and what to do with it. Systematically work on the choice of constructive and satisfactory forms of behavior.
Scenario Requirement/Wide
In short, what is the point: the partners are involved in a dialogue according to certain rules, one plays the role of demanding, and the second — moving away.
The trap is that the more one partner demands, the more distant the other. Noticing this, requiring increases of complaints and requests, and moving away even more greater distance. The illustration is typical: the wife, with her arms raised and her face contorted, is shouting something, and the husband, with his arms crossed over his chest and a concrete expression on his face, is looking out the window.
The bad news is that the roles in this scenario are set by the one who starts. If he is depressed, the likelihood of a Demand/Distance scenario increases. Insecure people are also quickly drawn into this scenario. People with avoidant personality traits or with an avoidant attachment type react more strongly in the "distance"type. The more angry their partner is at them, the more distance they take.
The distribution of power in a couple also affects: the fewer decisions one partner makes, the less opportunities he has to participate in the life of a couple, the higher the probability that he will take a demanding role and his demands will be high.
It happens that the scenario manifests itself only in certain topics: habits, sexual preferences, mutual promises, personality and character. Sometimes manifests itself in talk about money.
What to do?
Know about existence of scenario. When he appears, try to stop: either stop demanding, or stop moving away. There are more constructive ways to interact.