If you find that you are constantly using the same patterns in relationships with other people, then you probably want to change this pattern. This can be done, the task of quite feasible. Have you heard anything about templates?
What is the negative schemas or templates (again briefly)
When we say "typical negative patterns in interpersonal relationships," we mean certain patterns that each of us uses in our relationships with others. We are all different, enter into relationships with different people, get into different situations, and still everyone probably has a common pattern of behavior (pattern, strategy, scheme...), which is repeated again and again.
Among the most toxic schemes are these four:
The subordination of others. Some hope that they will be told what to do and solve their life problems for them. Others do so out of fear that if they do not obey, they will be punished or rejected. Submission is characterized by the fact that their thoughts or intentions are ignored, and the person behaves on the principle of "let it be as it will be."
Distancing or "raising the walls". In the case of distancing, the person, experiencing anger or anger, increases the distance and pulls away from the relationship. It's like he's saying, " I'm not interested and I don't need to be around you." He feels that if you start to discuss the situation, it will only get worse, and it will be much more painful.
Charge. This pattern involves hostile (and often reckless) attempts to hurt, criticize, or humiliate another person. The challenge is to get them to do something you need.
Expectation from others much more than they can realistically give. In this case, the person is sure that other people want the same thing as him. However, this is often not the case. As a result of these expectations, others shy away from relationships because they feel manipulated or disrespected.
It is difficult to determine unambiguously where these schemes come from. They are either inherited, or developed during life on the basis of individual experience, or adopted from parents. Of course, we do not have the task to find out who is to blame and make a claim.
Our goal is to understand what could contribute to the development of your own negative schemes. If you understand this, you will have the opportunity to evaluate and revise your schemes. And think about whether you want to use them in the future.
It is unlikely that the answers to the questions will be simple. You may need to think a little before giving an answer.
Important questions to consider
Based on what you already know about yourself, what are your key behaviors in interpersonal relationships (e.g., submission, isolation, distancing, aggression?)
In what situations do you see these schemes most often?
The following circumstances that could affect the development of your schemes. Estimate how much they affected in your case?
* Early relationships (e.g. parents, siblings, friends)?
* School?
* Work?
* Marriage or relationship? Your parents ' relationship with each other?
Do you think that if you continue to adhere to these schemes, will there be any negative consequences?
You want to change your schema? Why?
• If you don't want to, what do you think might happen if you do try to change them?
• What can prevent you from trying new schemes?
What to do if you discovered the scheme?
If you want to change them or, in principle, try something new in any particular relationship, then you will need to do this:
1. Continue to pay attention to whether you use your typical patterns or not in these particular relationships. For example, if you realize that you are prone to aggressive accusation, then mark each time you want to do it again.
2. Think in which direction you would like to change your typical patterns. Like, if not an accusation, then what? Then how would you like to Express your dissatisfaction or defend your interests?
3. Play the roles in your mind of any specific words you would like to say, or any specific actions you would like to carry out in a relationship. Practice a few times. Watch how other people do it.
4. To increase your chances of favorable success, plan which changes you will implement first. No need to impulsively decide to try something new in the midst of a conflict situation.
5. As you try new circuits live, evaluate them. Think about what worked well and what you would like to do differently next time.
6. If you are in a close relationship, tell your partner why it is important for you to change your behavior. After that, he (she) will at least understand why suddenly he sees that you behave differently, and will not worry that something went wrong.
7. Be prepared that someone may not like your changes. If you are still convinced that this is the right path for you, then continue in the same spirit.
8. Praise and reward yourself for trying to change, even if it didn't work out.
9. Sometimes it helps to write down your thoughts and feelings about the relationship in a diary. You can also write there what you want to change. You can also write a letter, and then decide whether you will send it or not.
10. Remind yourself that your goal is not to change other people or influence their behavior: you are changing your own patterns because you want to create a happier life for yourself.