Short and clear steps to competent and respectful refusal
I often hear from friends and clients that it is very difficult to say "no": it is difficult to refuse some persistent petitioner. And it doesn't want to do the things that please themselves and for some to limit or change their plans, or situation some sort of work goes, which is inconvenient...but still, not dare to refuse.
What is it-a weakness of character? Low self esteem? Wanting to please everyone? Inability to defend your opinion?
No. More precisely, the reasons can be different: someone is convinced that he will offend the applicant with his refusal, someone feels initially obliged to this person, someone believes that the manifestation of aggression is indecent.
Some do not understand why "I always do everything to everyone at the expense of myself and feel like a complete suck." When it comes to unwanted requests in working relationships, then there generally interferes with so many difficulties, one feeling "he is my boss" what is worth.
Although sometimes Vice versa: subordinate to the head of their requests. And he takes them, and sits with them until the neurosis of the evening in the office.
Let's immediately discard the options when you can and want to respond to a request, that is, the request is appropriate for you, justified, environmentally friendly (in the sense you are able to actually perform it, and you do not need to fly to Mars).
We are only talking about cases where you do not want to fulfill this request. Well, you do not want once again to borrow money to give, the more that twice gave, and yet you back this money at not seen. Well I do not want you to take their neighbor's cat for a week while the neighbor is away. You do not want to do again this work which actually has to be done by your colleague, and it seems as the relations with her do not want to spoil therefore again for her you will be harnessed. That's what it's about.
• First, it is a misconception that " no " is unjustified aggression, pettiness, resentment for others. More precisely, " no " is the protection of your boundaries: personality, freedom, employment, physical body, after all. Imagine for a moment this analogy: the state border. On it periodically trek there-here border guards with dogs and automatic weapons. Some kind of surveillance may be underway. Somewhere there is a checkpoint, somewhere barbed wire. And then suddenly an attack from the outside: a group of armed men trying to cross the border. The actions that are being taken to stop them — is that unjustified aggression against violators? Is it petty? Is it hurtful to them? Obviously not.
Another thing is that you can place these border guards, dogs, checkpoints every centimeter, wrap all barbed wire, mines scattered along the border, and God forbid some bird flew or the wind blew-just half a day shooting and explosions. So you are guaranteed no one will ever get. You'll be alone in your room.
It is possible as a preventive measure periodically the dogs on passers-by to incite or carry out military exercises in the direction of other States, a new bomb on their site to experience. So you will be afraid and also unlikely to put, because friends with you do not want to. I'm not talking about such options. If someone needs to protect themselves so much, or Vice versa, so check the protection of others — please, I'm not talking about it. I'm talking about a normal, democratic coexistence of neighboring States on equal terms, when one of the States is trying to use the resources of another state, and it is against it.
* Second, you refuse not personally man, and his the request. Separate the two. Here again, imagine it's your colleague says: let me tyschschu to paycheck? You never know what reasons you do not want to give her money in debt. Remember that in fact, you have nothing against this colleague, she is a nice girl with her cockroaches (and who does not have them), that's just money does not want to give her. So refuse this request. Not a girl.
* Third, do not apologize and make excuses. It is possible to explain the position, but it is not necessary to apologize and justify. "I'm sorry we can't let you in," the border guards say, guiltily lowering their eyes. "We'd love to let you through...but we're on a leash and muzzled...Sorry. We in next time necessarily. A group of armed comrades, meanwhile, quietly sneaks into, remembering that there are mumble live. And how to explain, without making excuses - "I can not help you now with this project, because I have a meeting in half an hour and need to prepare." Or: "I can not give you money in debt, because already twice gave, you have not yet returned."Or" I Can't go to the bar with you because I want to go home and I'm tired and I have a lot to do.»
* Fourth, do not overestimate the possible damage from your refusal. Not allowed on the territory of a group of armed persons, they went to his, poor, fell to the ground, broken weapons, cried, and more than ever, never came to you. Or they stopped considering you as their friend. (Seriously? And before that, when they were going to take advantage of you, did they really think you were their best friend? The friendly intentions of money requested, something like: "I'm your friend help, you can ask him to borrow money, and I will not give away".)
Fifth, when you say no, don't show your body that you do. "No entry!"— shouted the guards, pointing with his hands and head where you can safely pass them. No, you don't have to nod your head.