I'm sure you've faced this situation many times in your life, and you've been on both sides.
Your friend (girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, daughter, colleague...) tells you about some problem. For example, he had a hard day's work. He was pissed off by a man at work. Or three hours with morning aching head. Or he'll have an unpleasant trip to the dentist. Anything.
You listen carefully and — with the best of intentions-immediately suggest how to solve the problem. You can see from the side as many as two or even three excellent, working way.
• We must next know what to do? Allocate half an hour of time to rest, preferably in the afternoon, and be sure to go outside. I read that it really helps to cope with stress!
* Do not react so strongly, do not take to heart. He just doesn't see from his position what exactly you have to do in this project, and thinks you're not doing it.
* Carry a pill for headaches, and do not wait until the pain develops in full force. Better yet, try relaxation techniques!
* Do not tune in to something that will be unpleasant. Think of something nice. In the end, you will suffer an hour and a half, but the problem with the tooth will be solved!
And then the unexpected happens. Instead of gratitude, the person is irritated. On you.
It is possible that you do not see the irritation, but not because it was not, but because he successfully knows how to suppress it. Then you will see that he pulled away and even seemed sad. In any case, the topic is closed.
You, in turn, may even be offended. How so? You proceeded only from care, love, desire to help, to share the experience-and here such reaction. Then why did he turn at all if he doesn't want your opinion?! Ingratitude and injustice!
Expectations did not match: irritation and resentment
The fact is that there was a mismatch of expectations. He didn't come to you for a solution. He came to be heard and understood. Because he believed there was some space between you in which he could safely and painlessly place his pain, anxiety, or annoyance.
But alas, this did not happen: in this space you immediately placed the solution to the problem, and there was no free space left.
Once again, he didn't need a decision from you. What.
Besides, somehow it turned out that the person as if isn't able to solve problems, time he needs such help from outside. Perhaps next time you will brush your teeth for him, if he shares with you that he seems to have caries again?
He does not need the feeling that in your eyes he is not able to guess how such trivial problems are solved.
That's where this irritation comes from-the mismatch of expectations. Bottom line: both upset, offended, angry. But as well all began…
"I am very tired today, exhausted all. It's depressing.»
"You need to do something, do something, go for a walk" - this is a proposal for a solution, it will not do.
Or so:
And then he says to me, "You're not doing anything useful for the team," imagine that? The nerve! I was just in shock. How can you say that?! Me?! I work like a squirrel on a wheel, even on weekends! I spent half the day being angry, resentful, almost crying, and now I have a headache.
"You know, the best remedy is to take a relaxing bath. Or treat yourself to something. And on this jerk attention not pay any attention»
— the same thing, then he offered advice, not good.
What to do next
Okay, if it's clear that he DOESN't need it, then what does he need? Why did he come to complain and whine at all if he could handle everything himself?
We keep in touch with each other not only for advice, guidance and recommendations (even if they are 100% correct!), and for the sake of intimacy, the opportunity to share and be heard.
The next time you hear another story about stress or a hard day, try to remember this text. And try not to run ahead of the engine with advice on how to proceed. Especially if you have not directly requested them.
Instead, try to understand how the person feels. And let him know that you understand that. It's called empathy. If you decipher-co-experience, shared experience, live something together.
About feelings: do not spoil everything!
No need to devalue, downplay the feelings of a person or take the position that such feelings should not be here. At all such feelings should not be, or such strong should not be, or must be other feelings — no matter.
Take it for granted that the other person may have completely different feelings, in intensity or in color, even if you are not used to it or do not consider it logical.
He does not need an assessment of his feelings: whether they are adequate or not, too strong or too weak, whether they correspond to the situation or not.