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The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
1. Increased attention
Imagine a picture: the whole family is sitting at dinner, discussing Rachmaninoff’s violin concert, grandmother knits, dad even digresses from the dissertation, the kid makes a buckwheat path and suddenly says loudly: “Soak everyone in the toilet!”
Just no one paid attention to him, and now grandmother drops knitting needles, grandfather is called an ambulance, dad jumps up and runs around the apartment like a rocket with a cry: "And this is my heir!", Mom turns and looks at you point-blank for a long time. Interesting, right? Do you know an easier way to cause such a wonderful stir in two seconds?
Child psychology tells us that negative attention is also attention
If you are scolded - this is probably not very cool, but if you are not noticed at all - this is already a problem.
Some American psychologists believe that an ordinary parent ignores 90% of “good” behavior and “good” childish behavior, instead we focus on mistakes and mistakes. The fact that a small person is trying, we consider it commonplace, the norm. And when he broke a book and a ball in the morning, we immediately drop everything to deal with the problem.
Recently, parents are trying to do everything according to science and will not be praised once again for either the drawing or the independently connected ends of the curtains. The word "well done" is recognized as meaningless, and giving competent feedback is a troublesome business. But if you look at the children more often, smile at them and comment on your successes ("Lyuba! You haven’t compared your younger brother with insects for two hours! I really appreciate it!"), They may not have the need to reproduce some bold turns.
2. Misunderstanding
Another danger lies in wait for parents who want a good relationship with their children and have heard something about the “unconditional acceptance” somewhere. They calmly relate to the fact that the kid lifted his legs on the dining table and covers everyone with selected epithets from political debate. Actually, acceptance is a word that refers to a child. This is a child we love and accept, but rudeness, cursing and the manner of putting shoes on grandfather’s head are no longer worth taking. If you don’t like what you hear, say this: “I will not tolerate such a tone in my address”, “Nobody rhymes the name of Uncle Taras with plumbing in our apartment” - these are normal phrases. Defend the territory.
Tell us about the fact that there are certain rules of communication, and, if any, everyone supports them.
A strange situation will be in which dad shouted at his mother, and when the younger one reproduced, everyone was terribly surprised and stomped. Adults here show by their example how kindly it is necessary to communicate with people.
If something unimaginable spills from a child, you must be sure that he is aware that he has taken a bad manner. Maybe not. Maybe they taught him that way in kindergarten. A new boy came to the group and flashed a figurative word. And he didn’t explain what it means, and a half-group at home jumps on the bed in the evening and sings couplets from the Red Mold, and his parents are pale.
Here we must calmly show that these words do not color the five-year period, and you’d better now sing another song, which is also funny.
3. Internal insults of parents
Often it seems to adults that the child wants to offend them on purpose, and he certainly humiliated us terribly here because he said that Dad had a “funny face”. Brought up with the installation “mother is sacred,” the authority of the father is unshakable, we are wildly angry after finding any hint of disrespect. But reverence is not an inborn thing.
In our interaction, an adult is a leader, a child is a slave
An adult sets boundaries, behaves so calmly and confidently, makes it clear that he is the main one, and the child adjusts. Mom should not always be offended and slam the door if she thought she was not bowed low enough. Learning to protect our interests, to be able to speak firmly about them, and not to quarrel with the child, having found low motives from him, - in general, it would be nice for us all to learn.
4. Attachment problems
Often, dad and mom sound the alarm if a child has flown into adolescence, is completely bogged down in social networks, communicating with peers, and what previous generations think is not very worrying. You can snap back, especially if you get bored with your studies or - even worse - they threaten to take away your smartphone. Canadian developer Gordon Newfeld says in his lectures that spontaneous communication on the network destroys childhood dependence on an adult, and it is an adult who must satisfy the need for attachment. Such a need is very powerful, but peers from the phone with suspicious emoticons can not satisfy this need. They themselves are quite defenseless comrades, not quite ripe for a deep relationship.
While the children are looking for superficial contact with classmates who posted the video with the hamster on a skateboard, parents run the risk of hearing the wounded “Get los”t!!
And this problem is not solved by the advice from the series: "Turn off the Internet and sit down to find out the relationship." Painstaking work will be needed to restore contact between you and the child. This psychological connection, a competent hierarchy is what is needed for his growing up and well-being, although the child himself can deny it and say that now he needs to bark that hamster.
A well-known way to restore attachment with a child is to find an opportunity to focus on each other. The easiest way to do this is where they did not reach the optical fiber, in some campaign, for example. And although in February the council looks rather idiotic, you have to start somewhere.
Restoring a quivering relationship, you will notice that it is not so easy for a person who is important to you to say, “Yes, you go!”
Well and yes, the responsibility for the relationship with the unbearable acne guy lies with us, the parents.
5. Distress call
Yes, in the norm, native people are not called "filthy gopniks." But maybe the child in such an absurd way just makes it clear that something is wrong with him. Observe, talk with him, with the teacher, understand what a person suffers from. Suddenly there is a global catastrophe, but relatives do not know. If we help a person to survive stress, then we will give him a punching bag, sympathize and somehow make it clear that we are not gopniks. And, of course, our offspring do not actually behave like that.
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