Psychological boundaries is a very popular term in psychotherapy and psychology. Simply put, it denotes the space that we consider our own, consider ourselves and so on. Space in any sense: the physical space around our body, our interests and aspirations, the possibilities and limitations of our personality, property and things, ideas about yourself as a person with a set of some features, expectations from relationships... even easier, the boundaries-this is where it ends and begins not mine. Or where the non-Self ends and the self begins.
I want to say a few words today about what myths and misconceptions can often be encountered as soon as it comes to the boundaries of personality in relationships. At the same time, note that every day we deal with the established boundaries of other people, and perceive it in most cases normally. Well, for example, working time in the store. The need to pay for services rendered to you. A man's right not to tell what he doesn't want to tell. Wanting to be alone. And stuff.
However, one has only to start talking about their own boundaries, especially in relationships, as immediately begins to arise this topic about selfishness and"real feelings, free from restrictions." So let's talk about it, is it really selfish to set your own boundaries?
Misconception # 1: Boundaries push other people away from you
Quite the contrary. Boundaries are the key to establishing normal relationships. Moreover, as ironic as it may sound, the established boundaries allow you to understand where you are and where you are not. And as a result to choose those people communication with whom brings you comfort and advantage.
In addition, a clear understanding of what you want, who you are and what you are, as well as awareness of your feelings, thoughts and having your own life, allows you to understand that you are a separate unique independent person with your own experience and interests. Did this person alienate? Not at all. They are able to be in a relationship, while remaining themselves, not getting into someone else's personality and not losing yourself.
Misconception # 2: true love has no boundaries. Possible option: have real feelings there is no restrictions
You can often find this belief: "I love you" means that " I will do anything for you at any time."
And much more common is "If you really love me, you should do everything at any time."
Such beliefs apply to friendship, relationships, love, marriage, family ties, and more. In practice, this idea can manifest itself in the fact that we lend money that we have saved for something important for ourselves; that we share some deep information about ourselves with people who can theoretically reveal these secrets willingly or unwittingly; that we allow someone to mistreat us because they supposedly need to let off steam; that we do not go to sports because someone needed a special dish for dinner, and so on.
As a result, allegedly" in the name of love " this or that damage is caused, discontent with each other and the relations grows, and, eventually, the relations are destroyed. In fact, for the good of the relationship, it's much better to say no in time. Say " no " and maybe briefly upset the person, but in the long run, your relationship will be better from this.
It is possible and necessary to build healthy boundaries in marriage or relationships, and it is especially important to build boundaries with complex people.
Misconception # 3. Setting your boundaries is selfish
Saying Yes may be nice — but only for a while. It doesn't take long for people to realize that you're willing to act to the detriment of your own interests. People like that usually disappoint.
If we let others know how we are, what we want, where we are going — it allows them to interact with us more effectively, for the benefit of both sides. Of course, it can happen that we do not meet any expectations of other people. It may happen that it will upset them. Well, such is life that people do not always live up to our expectations.
Misconception # 4. Setting boundaries is rude. Or-this punishment.
Often, people misunderstand the process of establishing boundaries — as a punishment for others, or in a rough form. Most likely such impressions come from another. When someone with weak boundaries runs out of patience, and he can no longer stand that he is constantly being used in other people's interests, that no one hears and does not take into account, then he may well show an excessively negative reaction.
For example, as a pendulum: if it is restrained in the extreme position, it is only necessary to let go, as he immediately swings in the opposite extreme position. In fact, the process of setting boundaries, if it happens at the right time (and not when it is too late), does not require such violent reactions. Moreover, strong boundaries do not even require words.