How to ask for forgiveness and whether it should be done? 6 components of a sincere request for forgiveness
Is it true that only weak characters apologize? What happens from the apology "in haste" or "patches"?
It is clear that since there are no perfect people, and everyone makes mistakes, sooner or later you — or your loved one — will definitely do something wrong. You — or he-will be offended, angry, sulky, perhaps decide to do something to spite him, or three days will not talk to him. If it happened some household stuff, so to speak.
And if the conflict was connected with something more serious? For example, with what is extremely important for you, with something that you consider valuable or principled.
Such troubles occur not only in personal or family relationships, but also in working and friendly relationships. In any case, the approach to asking for forgiveness will still be the same.
Do I need to apologize?
The answer will always be the same-of course, Yes!
One can meet such opinion that apologies are for weaklings, that apologies are not combined with the paradigm of success and aspiration to win constantly widespread today. Because asking for forgiveness means admitting your weaknesses and mistakes. It's awful, isn't it? :)
With inflated self-esteem and perfectionism, it is also very difficult to imagine that you are asking for forgiveness.
But in fact, it takes a lot of moral strength to ask for forgiveness. True forgiveness is the deepest possession of civilized man. Forgiveness has the power to correct the relationship between two people, between groups of people, between Nations, and so on.
Forgiveness can heal the pain caused to self-esteem and reduce the harm caused by humiliation. But despite the importance of forgiveness, we do not know how to apologize. And we don't teach it to our children. Therefore, for each person it would be nice to learn how to ask for forgiveness correctly, because the position of" I never apologize for anything " will sooner or later lead to a violation of relations and, perhaps, to isolation.
Reasons for asking for forgiveness: damage to another person's self-esteem
The most frequent and most powerful reasons for asking for forgiveness are, without a doubt, the infliction of personal injury. Ignoring, underestimating, unfairly accusing, betraying, publicly humiliating — these and other things can seriously damage the other person's Self-concept. Self-concept is a psychological term that refers to a wide range of beliefs about himself, about how he wanted to be, how I want to look in the eyes of others like I would like to develop in the future and so on.
Whether the "wound" is personal, friendly, or work — related, the damage to the Self-concept will depend on several factors in each case:
• what personal significance this event has for this human;
• what is the relationship between the offender and the aggrieved at the moment;
* how strong is the tendency of the offended to take everything to heart.
Therefore, all people can react differently to the same "grievances": someone-painfully, and someone will forget everything in 5 minutes.
How to ask for forgiveness: right and wrong
In practice, asking for forgiveness is not easy. A request for forgiveness has several components, or building blocks, without which the request is likely to fail or look like a "patch." Here are the components in question:
• You should be clear about what exactly you did wrong: you violated some moral norm or in some way harmed the relationship. You take full responsibility for this. Your request for forgiveness should be specific, without any General words like " I'm sorry, I did something wrong." From your request for forgiveness, it also becomes clear that you have hurt another person. This component allows both participants to feel that they have common moral values.
* The second important component of a successful request for forgiveness is explaining why you did it. The point of this component is to show the other person that this act does not characterize you as a whole, this act was just a mistake. You can say that you were tired, inattentive, in love, under the influence of alcohol, after all — and it is worth emphasizing that you will not do so again. Speaking about it, it is not necessary to be humiliated: each person has the right to a mistake, and each person has the right to sincerely regret for deeds.
* The third important component is to let the person know that your action was not directed at his personality. You probably didn't really want to hurt him personally. This will allow him to feel safe in the future, communicating with you. Well, if you really wanted to hurt him personally - well, then, you have to take responsibility for this act of yours.
* The fourth component - you should be unpleasant to apologize. You can feel guilt, shame, regret, anxiety about the relationship — and that's okay. If you do not show these emotions, your apology will be perceived as a formal "patch".
* The fifth component, oddly enough, is called "reparation". Quite often it happens that words alone may not be enough. Pay for a broken vase, invite a friend to a movie that you promised to watch together and forgot, apologize to a colleague whom you hurt with a careless word at a meeting. This rule applies even for long-term personal relationships. I want to warn you right away: do not underestimate the "compensation". On the idea of, how many you "destroyed", so much you and "must offset." However, as in business negotiations, there may be an unspoken agreement between the parties about some other "compensation". As a rule, both parties understand what "compensation" will be enough. It is a subtle but important process of communication between two people.
* And last. Be honest. If you say you won't do it again, do your best to make it happen. If you promised to do something as" compensation " — do it without delay.