How to get rid of perfectionism?
Sometimes you can hear people say that they are perfectionists, and their perfectionism helps them achieve their goals. And that, they say, if they were not perfectionists, they would not be able to ... further in the sense of: to perform the project so well, to persuade this complex client, to be a good mother to her child, to finish a complex case, etc ... otherwise, they say, all I would do — it would be lying on the couch. Perfectionism is the engine of me. How could it be otherwise? We must always strive for perfection and try to do everything perfectly. You can't do half of it if you don't try.
Let me remind you that perfectionism is the belief that the best result can and should be achieved. Often added here is the idea that not the best result is simply unacceptable. In life, such ideas turn into a constant pursuit of perfection, high expectations of others and ourselves, the belief that everything in the world should be right, that people should meet our expectations, etc., etc.
It would seem that there is such a terrible thing in these beliefs? Why is it wrong to think about perfection, about how everything should be right, about the ideal result? It would seem, on the contrary!
And here and there. I'll tell you why it's scary and bad. As long as you just lie on the couch and enjoy the opportunity to think — please, it can be as much as you want, you do not harm yourself or others. And as soon as you go out on the street, you will immediately face the fact that the world and the people in it do not always meet your expectations (they are wrong, do out of spite, do bad, etc.). Then, like a boomerang, you will receive our belief in any particularly sore spot. As in that short anecdote: "How's life?"- "Beats the key. All over the head."Such a meeting with the imperfection of the world will happen for sure, so you will also have a bruise.
But you don't just give up, do you? :) You will continue to cherish and cherish their beliefs that people should not behave this way with you, well, just because you something with them do not behave this way! Everyone should always do their best, because otherwise everything will be a mess! Either I'll be the best, or I'd better not take it at all! Real men never do such terrible things!
Perfectly. Keep taking care of your perfectionism. Then you're not going to get off with just one bruise. You'll beat yourself half to death with that boomerang. Go ahead, do it, it's your life.
You may object: what about the great inventors, artists, writers, they did not strive for the ideal, or what? Yes, indeed, great inventors would not be so great if they did not strive for the ideal. It really helped them achieve great results. But they never sought to become perfect individuals. They wanted to invent something concrete as close to the ideal as possible. They were not self-perfectionists, but the result was perfectionists. See the difference? If Leo Tolstoy thought that he could and should write such a book that twenty-five generations of people after Him would read it in school as mandatory — I assure you, he would not write a word. Because he wouldn't have had the time. He would be busy constantly digesting his perfectionist ideas in his head. By the way, he never considered himself a professional writer.
Well, what can we say about some Leo Tolstoy, when we ourselves have in our heads will necessarily have great thoughts of this kind: "for me it is unacceptable to be mediocre."My mom thought I was a genius. That's probably true."Either I take first place — or ... otherwise it is simply impossible."I have no right to screw up."Albert Ellis, founder of rational-emotive behavioral therapy, called similar installations - "the grandeur and godlike demands", resulting complex of inferiority, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, and every other excessive, unhealthy anxiety.
In General, there is nothing wrong with perfectionism as a pursuit of the ideal, if it does not have a tendency to grandiosity and exaltation of the person, but there is a desire for an ideal result. From this desire the result is more desirable, motivation is enhanced and we are able to do more.
The magic formula of anti-perfectionism is this: I can try to do a particular project or task as well as possible. I can try to make it perfect. If it succeeds, it is not because I am a wonderful, great man, but because I am just a man who has perfectly executed a complex project. If it doesn't work out, well, I'll probably be upset and upset, but I certainly won't hate myself for it. And I can live happily ever after.