Hello, my dear, how nice to have you here. After all, it means that you have a desire to become a little better and happier. Today I want to talk about your relationship.
Are you happy with what is happening inside your couple? If Yes, then you can read this article for prevention and once again make sure that you are clever! Well, if not, let's start to understand.
I'm going to ask you to think back to the beginning of your relationship. When you saw your partner as your hero, the man of your dreams, you looked at this world through rose – colored glasses-and the world smiled back at you. So what happened to you?
That's why I don't praise him. I want him to change!"Simply put, you devalue him as a man. And believe me, in my experience, that relationship doesn't last. If you have a decent man next to you, he will get tired of this one-sided game.
He does everything for you, and in return does not receive even a simple human "thank You"? If this is the case, the situation needs to be urgently corrected.
What is depreciation?
This is the infantile behavior of a capricious child. “I need a man to be like this, have the following qualities and do everything as I want. Then he will be good."
Strange as it may sound, depreciation begins with idealization. "Yes, this is my Prince: smart, rich, generous." Time passes and you come back to reality. It turns out that he snores, throws socks around the apartment and unsightly scratching his stomach. And you're disappointed in him. You raise your defensive shields, turn on your psychological defenses – and you start to devalue him. You want him to look like a jerk in front of you.
Let's look at examples.
• Man months worked actively to promote a new project and finally got a cool job. Happy he flies home to share with you, to celebrate this event. And he hears “so what? But Dasha-Katya-Masha's husband is already a Director of the company.” In your own words, you just crossed off all his accomplishments.
* He will present you on March 8 a magnificent bouquet. What do you think he wants you to do, honey? "Oh, honey, it feels so good. You're the best." For a man, your praise is an incentive to move on, to please you even more. But if in the answer he hears “ " Why so much money spent? Better boots I bought,” you discourage men any desire to do something for you and he begins to realize that his actions you don't appreciate. And automatically he becomes in your the eyes of bad, because all girlfriends flowers-gifts who give, and you – there is no.
He brought you coffee in bed. Just to make you happy. And in the answer not heard even simple “Thank you.” Admit it, you think it's his sacred duty, don't you? And his arms won't break from carrying the Cup? Of course you're right. But I will not reveal America to you if I say that every man is pleased with praise. And your man is no exception. And you're depriving him of that pleasure. And believe me, the next time he just does not want to bother with surprises, because you do not notice how he tried.
Sometimes the opposite happens: he does not appreciate you. You want to be the woman of his dreams: you iron his shirts, buy underwear “just for him", cook his favorite dishes, and in response – silence, as if it should be.
You maintain the very balance of "give and receive" in a relationship and try to surround him with love, care, give him support – these are the qualities that we are looking for in women.
If you are constantly faced with depreciation-this is the first sign of a toxic relationship. For example, a few situations:
* You want to reanimate relations and for the sake of it signed up for courses. Diligently perform all tasks, write out in a notebook theses, doing practice. You tell about it to your man, and in response you hear “Why do you even need it? Only time and money are wasted”
He just chopped off your wings and trampled them into the ground to make it hurt.
* You're setting up a family nest. Lovingly choose every detail to create comfort. Do you want to share your impressions, you start to say something, but you are rudely interrupted by the words " Well, at least you cooked borscht? You sit at home all day doing nothing." It hurts, doesn't it?"
And now look: each such phrase knocks the ground out from under your feet. It doesn't sound like much, but you know the implication: what you're doing is bullshit. Borsch and cutlets more important.
Why do we devalue other people's achievements?
Envy. Yeah, that's corny. He did it and I didn't. Means, need to good whack painfully, to not proud of their achievements. No matter what a man expects from you support and approval.
Selfaffirmation. Most often, this problem comes from childhood. When parents deprived the child of love for mistakes, but also for achievements not especially praised. A rigid inferiority complex is formed, and in order to somehow live with it, the adult begins to humiliate others, asserting himself at their expense. This is typical narcissism.
You can't accept it. Imagine, you want something very much, but you can not get it. You saw a beautiful dress in the window, but it costs just space money. And to not cry and not suffer, you one starts seek in it shortcomings. “Well, I do not really want”, " the Style of some poor, who do sew." It's the same in relationships. You want to be like Masha's friend, a man gave flowers, bought fur coats, drove a beautiful woman to the Maldives, but you do not get it. And to protect yourself from pain and disappointment, you subconsciously begin to take revenge on your husband. Because your fantasy picture doesn't match reality.
Depression. You're confused and you don't know what you want out of life. Relationships do not bring joy, everything is gray and dull. You project your inner negativity onto the man you love. After all if you poorly-means, and he should suffer.
What happens next?
Honey, look what happens. You are like a capricious child: if a man has done as you think – he is good, acted in his own way-you are disappointed in him and punish. Hurtful words, coldness, selfishness. For a while he will bend to your needs, prove his love, but because he is tired of it. And he will. To the one who will estimate it, will praise, will support.
After all, he is a Mature person who cannot constantly sacrifice his needs. Not even for your pretty face. He will move away, will be closed in itself, and you will feel more and more unnecessary, thrown, you will begin to save up offenses, to state to it more and more claims. And in the end, there will be a painful break.
While the relationship has not reached a critical point, it is urgent to solve the problem. And you'll have to start with yourself.
Remember the balance. Each of you wants to feel comfortable in a relationship. Remember this and respect the desires and needs of your man. You can't get more if you don't give him anything. And most often from the woman the man needs care, support, softness, understanding. Honey, just think, do you have enough of these qualities to share with your partner? If such a situation is happening, most likely-no. They need to be developed and improved. If you want to get a dream man – for him you have to become a woman-plus.
Learn to appreciate everything he does for you. It's time to grow up and not idealize a man. If you can't accept him for who he is, you'd better break up. Because you and he deserve better. If same you like it or, to he was near – learn to not to focus on shortcomings. Notice the virtues-surely they are, once you love him.
* Thank him for what he does for you. It does not matter whether he bought you a bouquet of daisies or took you abroad – every action should not go unnoticed.
* Please him back
* Learn to bite your tongue for five seconds before saying nasty things or devalue his achievement.
* Learn to listen and hear your man.
Let go of the past. Most often, the problem of depreciation is in it. Correctly work out the blocks, complexes, parental settings will help guide-psychologist. Form an environment that will fill you with positive emotions.
Very often the problem of female devaluation lies in low self-esteem. We also need to work on this.
My dear, I ask you to remember that devaluation is a form of psychological violence. If there is a situation that you have entered into a toxic relationship and a man does not appreciate you, it can not be tolerated.
The first thing to do – to convey to the partner that his words, actions, he causes you pain. Maybe he doesn't even know it. The second is to work on relationships and not allow yourself to be humiliated. If a man is used to live like this and does not want to change anything – you need to leave him. Because otherwise you'll lose yourself.