"He's perfect! Laughs at my jokes, understands me perfectly and ready for anything, if only I was good”– I think you're in the beginning of the relationship and truly believe that this will continue. But the candy-bouquet period remains behind, the degree of euphoria subsides, and rose-colored glasses on your eyes crack.
And then it starts “" I told you”, “You're doing everything wrong”, “Why don't you listen to me?"Well, a man can't be right! He has to give in, because “I'm a girl, everything has to be my way.”
My dear, now put aside all that surrounds you, and just remember the last quarrel with your man. Let's say you didn't like what he said or did. What was your reaction? You gently pointed out the error, expressed your opinion, suggested other options? No, you took the path of least resistance and chose the role of severe critic.
Why something many women consider, that a man necessarily need to point fingers on his mistakes. Just take it, like a kitten, and poke his nose in a puddle.
After all, what does a woman think? I will criticize the man, I will prove to him that he is not right. He will understand this and correct himself. And she would say, " Thank you, my dear, for telling me the bitter truth. What would I do without you?”
You really think that after you have danced the cancan on his self-esteem issues, made a detailed analysis of the stocks and humiliating for men the form they were stated – he wants to please you? To improve, to be better, to make you happy? Hardly.
What's really going on?
You have stated all the claims-the man was offended. He stands his ground on principle and refuses to admit mistakes. In you he sees now is not the woman, and the critic, an opponent that wants to kick him where it hurts. It's not WHAT you say that hurts him, it's HOW.
Relationships get worse and worse. Men's actions and behavior do not change. And you pout and pout and wait for him to come on his knees and apologize? You needed him and helpful advice to give, and he doesn't appreciate.
Criticism will do you good only in one case: if a man has a very developed guilt complex.
You started to cry from grievances-and he already circles around you, apologizes and promises a ring with diamond. *
* Accused him of everything – and the man begins to gnaw himself from the inside, cultivates this guilt. And he does everything the way you want.
For some time the partner really is corrected, it becomes the silk and let themselves be pushed around. But after a couple of weeks, he returns to his former state – and you have again scandals. And to keep him in shape, you start to nag him.
You blow his mind – he's doing the right thing. But over time, and you get tired of constantly giving him kicks, and the man will get tired of them. Wine transformirovalsya indifference. Indifference to aggression. And then you'll be in complete shock to sit and think “ " How could I marry such a tyrant?"Honey, you created it.
Where critics grow legs?
Family model. Many of you have been criticized by your parents. They after all as thought “ " I now the child will scold, I will criticize – and it will correct, it will become better”. Basically, I was raised the same way. When I was doing well, my parents would say,”well, that's the way it should be." When something went wrong, I received criticism, reproaches, lectures. And you build a relationship with a man on the same scheme.
If you do not work on yourself, you have a program: to change the world – you need to criticize. President, power, deputies, husband, children, girlfriends... But you forget about one important thing: if a parent criticizes a child, he has over him not only authority, but also power. After all, the baby is dependent on mom and dad, he is weak, helpless and forced to obey the parent. But in a relationship with an adult model "mother-son" does not work.
Your position.
You know everything and know how better than him, then the question arises: why do you need a man? If your internal settings are aimed at being the main thing in the relationship, why do you choose a strong guy? You know he won't submit, he won't want to be dependent. If a man positions himself as a leader, the head of the family-learn to respect him.
How not to destroy the relationship?
What do I want to tell you first? Criticism is destructive. When you criticize a man, you're intentionally or unintentionally trying to break him.
You're killing his self-esteem.
* Depriving faith in own forces.
* Destroy the desire to act for you, to make you happy.
You can change a man through yourself. And you transform yourself not to fix your partner, but to improve your life. And either a man, too, will change, conform to, either on some stage his growth, development you'll understand, that you not on path.
And if the person next to you is not ready to become better, hinders your development – it is better to just go. Yes, it happens, you chose the wrong man, but you have a chance to find someone who will make you happy without criticism, threats and manipulation.
I'm not saying that it is absolutely impossible to criticize a man. But it is important to understand the consequences. After all, you do realize that if you hamster bedtime buns and chocolates-gain extra weight. It's the same in relationships.
It is Important to learn how to build a dialogue without war. Not silenced and not tolerate, when you poorly, but:
* React calmly to the situation.
* Learn to manage your inner state.
* To be able to convey to men the truth without offense, claims, assaults. Describing their feelings, fortune. That you pleased, and that delivers discomfort. Voicing what you would like to see your relationship. Instead, " I hate your irresponsibility. If you don't pick me up after work, I'm moving in with my mom,” say, “honey, You know how much I appreciate everything you do for me. And as a woman, I would love it if you could pick me up after work and we could go grocery shopping together. You know, it's hard for me to carry bags on my own." The meaning is the same, but the reaction of the man will be different.
Honey, just think, how often do you tell a man what you like about a relationship?
You gave me purse, which I long wanted, you such attentive. *
You gave me an unscheduled vacation, you're the most generous man in the world.
* Brought coffee to bed, it's so romantic!
Does your lover hear such phrases? Or you more often in paints describe his blunders? And all the attentions, all the men's actions just take for granted.
Just ask yourself, " What am I doing to get what I want? Just eating a man's brain out with a teaspoon, reproaching him, manipulating him? Or do I try to understand it, find an approach to it, change myself and inspire my partner to be better?”
Work on the mistakes you need to start with yourself. If you change – the world around you will change. And then you can build a really happy relationship with a decent man.