Honey, I'm going to have a serious conversation with you today. I will not say that it is very pleasant, but you will certainly recognize yourself, your man or even the former in the situations that I describe.
Imagine your man coming home. Looks past you, doesn't talk. You can see that he is trying to protect himself from the world and mentally climb into the farthest corner of the room.
The first thing you think about is, " what to do? Should I sit here, or should I go into the other room? Should I comfort him or keep quiet?»
Today you will get answers to all these questions and finally understand why a man has become cold and distant.
From this article you will learn:
* Why do men like to "go into the cave"?
* Because of what the partner became "silent"?
• What are your mistakes led to this?
• How to fix everything and return intimacy, openness?
Doctor, my man is distant. Is that okay?
I have to say, it is normal for a man to close. That's what they say in smart psychology books, and I agree with that, too. When life is just awful, and depression is on the threshold, a man tends to run into the cave. He would sit there for a day or two, recover his strength, and come back. Normal situation.
I will tell more, such behavior is characteristic not only for men, but also for women. Why, children do that, too.
Why a man "silences" their problems
My dear, remember your childhood. You were hiding inside yourself, too. Imagine not being given the toy you wanted. Then you start to cry, hysteria, and parents instead of understanding, care and love begin:
* Ignore you. They pretend that neither you, nor your cry, nor this toy does not exist in the world. Sit and continue talking among themselves.
* "Love" belt. Some still believe that physical strength is the best "Valerian" for children.
* Begin to teach. Parents put on a very serious face and say for 15 minutes, " Don't do it, only bad kids do it. Shame on you!»
The result? You're trying to shut down, protect yourself from these reactions.
But what the child receives in full in childhood, that he ceases to be in dire need of adult life. Then such a child grows up self-sufficient.
But if the child in childhood disliked, if he did not feel the support and unconditional parental love, understanding, and in adulthood, he will consciously avoid situations in which you can show "weakness".
What does a man think when he says " it's okay»
If you see that your man is closed. You know, he doesn't want to tell you what he's going through, so think about this.
What drives him? Why is that? Usually there are only two answers. A man thinks:
• Why would I share my feelings? No one would understand, no one would be able to help me. I'll just use the moral force to be honest. We'll have to bring up a sore subject again, and for what? I'd rather deal with it myself.
* I once told her about my problems. So what? She just criticizes me, teaches me, and it's so humiliating. Why then do something to her to say if she keeps giving the "wrong" reaction? I'm gonna go play video games or have a beer.
The result of both situations is the same: you sit at dinner, borscht on my mother's recipe slowly cools. It is not clear, however, he cools from the cold silence or from the fact that it has been 20 minutes, and no one even took a spoon. Not a pleasant evening, is it?
Women's mistakes
Back to where we started. So your man came home. He's tired, distant, doesn't want to answer questions. You can even see that something's wrong. What are you going to do?"
Come on, honey, I'll tell you exactly what not to do.
• Elicit. Do you know what phrase will 100% discourage a man from telling you about his problems? "Please, Bunny, tell me what happened" — these words, especially spoken in a compassionate manner, will make a man even deeper "climb into the cave." Why would he want your pity? She only humiliates him, believe me.
That's mommy's tone, and a normal man wouldn't want to be talked to like that.
• Ignore. The opposite reaction. Came tired and angry? No face? Oh well. He's a man, he'll think of something. When you behave like this, you "give" your man a feeling of loneliness. He begins to think that he is one soldier in the field, and gradually you become a woman, friend and lover, and the cold enemy.
• Resent. If you think a man goes around looking so glum to annoy you, I have some bad news for you. It really can be sad, bad. He could be depressed. Princess Atlantis, which is always sulking and offended, will only irritate.
• Criticize. The man was trouble. For example, his office was robbed. He has tens of thousands of dollars ' worth of losses there. He comes home, lies down on the couch and cries. You ask him the reason for this condition and instead of caring "give" these words: "What a fool. You never close the doors, maybe you didn't close them at work." Of course, after such a man will close.
• Regret. Sometimes the women wakes up Mommy, which expels from the stage and a Woman starts something like: "Volodya, come on. How could they do this to you? You're so good, you're so poor, you don't deserve all this." With those words, you're not bringing a man down to earth, you're bringing him down to the basement. Along with his self-esteem.
What to do to a man you opened
Let's say you learned your behavior in past situations. That's good! So you can change everything and make your relationship more open.
What is openness and intimacy? This is when I know exactly what the partner needs, and clearly understand what he does not need. When I respect his emotions and attitudes and are willing to not "lose" the record of their children's problems.
Ideally, during the candy-bouquet period, you should find out what a man expects from you. What words, actions he wants. It happens that a man does not need anything. You leave him alone for a few days, he'll come back with a smile on his face.
It happens that a man expects certain things. Your "ushi-pusi", the regime of the business coach, tantrums and resentment – it's not the same. Talk to him about it.
I know it's not easy, honey. It's hard to watch your partner go dark. It's hard to watch him feel bad. Especially if this "trail of joy" stretches you from relationship to relationship.