In psychotherapy, there is such a phenomenon as "resistance to change."
That is, a person came to a psychologist/psychotherapist, spends his time, pays him money to change something in his life, and at the same time he resists it. Absurd? By no means.
If you understand the origins of this situation, everything becomes very logical.
Each of us has its own set of psychological defenses - mechanisms for preserving the usual way of our inner life. And at a certain level of consideration, all the "symptoms" with which clients come to the psychologist are due to ineffective psychological defenses that:
- have long been irrelevant;
- they have extended their influence not only on those aspects of life in which they are relevant, but also on other important areas, which ultimately limits a person, harms his full life;
- do not give a person a choice, make him use only one option of behavior in certain situations.
Therefore, psychotherapeutic work often consists in making these protective mechanisms more perfect, appropriate, flexible.
But. It is no coincidence that psychological defenses are called defenses, not hindrances. At the time (or period of life) when a particular defense mechanism was formed, it was directly related to physical and/or psychological security.
For example, the child's survival depends directly on the love and affection of significant adults. And he feels it unconsciously. So gradually adapts, becomes the way it is accept and love it (actually of course this will hardly happen, but the child will still be endlessly trying to win the approval).
If, as a result of asserting his boundaries, he receives aggressive suppression or deprivation of love, after a while his unconscious will be rebuilt and learn to displace the corresponding impulses.
Or parents love only for good behavior and success, then the child becomes dependent on constant achievements and deprives himself of the right to make mistakes.
And so on. Unfortunately, there are too many examples.
A slightly different variant when the protection associated with physical survival and psychological - to help keep the integrity of the personality, respect for yourself, to build the experience that an objective perception destroys all ideas about yourself and the world.
So, in the case of domestic violence, the child may unconsciously associate this behavior with love, or learn how to "fly away from the body", lose contact with reality and / or their feelings, and it is possible to decide that he somehow provokes such an attitude to himself (and then he will feel guilty, but will get the illusion of control over the situation), etc., etc.
All these things usually happen on a deeply unconscious level, and get to them is obtained only in the process of long-term therapy. But they affect the whole life, often being almost an organizing principle for the person.
Now, after reading all this, imagine that you are trying to take away from a person something that has the meaning described above. Something that had once kept him alive. Save yourself. Save your personality and mind. No matter what.
It's not so strange that a man would defend it with all his might, is it?
That is why so many attempts to change something in your life end in failure. That is why it is so difficult to change, even if you want to, even if you pay money and go to a specialist.
And the task of the psychologist in this case-not "break" protection, not "break" them, and gently "melt". Carefully, layer by layer to remove the excess, giving the client the opportunity to get used to, giving in return other points of support, additional options to act. Expanding the world of man and giving him new opportunities, and not remaking it and selecting the old.
That is why real deep psychotherapy is a very long and delicate process.
And that is why I and many of my colleagues urge you to be especially careful in choosing your specialist and beware of those who offer rapid and global changes. Such changes are extremely rare and even if they happen under the influence of any extreme factors, they are practically not constructive for the personality.
Effective-Yes, there are. A person who has gone through war in hot spots often acquires qualities that can be very useful in certain activities. But whether this will make his personality more holistic and harmonious, and his more psychologically healthy, Alive and happy - is unlikely.
So customers mages and wizards from the psychology in the best case, usually get a vivid emotional state, after which it seems that everything is normal, but the effect of which short-term and eventually dies, leading the client to the wizard again and again. And in the worst case, we get a re-traumatization and deepening of the original problems.
I'm not talking about those specialists who work in a short-term format, clearly understanding and honestly defining the boundaries of the client's approach. Short-term approaches to counseling and therapy exist, they are necessary and effective, they just have a certain range of tasks.
I am of those who promise to "cure" psychological trauma, depression, addiction, and codependency, family change the script to get rid of psychosomatics, etc. for a few meetings. It doesn't work that way.
Let's just use the right tools for each situation. With a screwdriver it is necessary to tighten screws, and a hammer to hammer in nails.