Hello! You are on the channel All or nothing, thanks for reading me! Glad to see you and enjoy reading!
The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
A typical parent is so arranged that he always tries to calm everyone around: “It's okay, let's buy a new dress!”, “Now, now!” The bead from the nostrils is easy to get! ”,“ Sorry, I’ll pay for furniture repair! ”We bandage the knees, glue the plasters, bake the comforting pies, wipe the tears, cover the children's eyes with our palms during scary scenes, we take them away from the places where the perforator is noisy or just a fight begins.
The child may be frightened, upset, or get traumatized by a politically incorrect fairy tale. “Helen, look what fun balls!” - we distract our daughter so that she does not notice a dead sparrow. We assure that everything will be fine, the doctor will make a very easy bump! How a mosquito will bite! So we not only protect the doctor’s office from destruction, but also form the image of the world for the child as a welcoming and generally good place. However, there is a danger: at the same time, we seem to show a person that his tears are unacceptable.
We deprive the child of an important experience to live and realize our sorrows and grievances. We teach him to suppress negative feelings, wearing the usual mask "everything is OK"
Yes, there are social norms, and children really often strive to violate them. How many of us did not get out of the plane with a screaming child, flaming cheeks and the desire to dissolve in the air as soon as possible? Yes, we must talk about the rules of conduct in the opera, store and on the escalator. Yes, people around do not need to know what words Petya called Vova in the kindergarten. But it happens that, hiding behind social norms, we hide our own fears: it is very difficult to watch how your child is sad.
Unbearable when he sobs. It’s bad when he is angry and stamps his foot. Rather distract, entertain, console, reassure!
We live in a culture in which it is not customary to express emotions. If you're so gloomy - go to the therapist. If you have problems - go in for sports, find a hobby, it all depends on you. Positive psychology tells us about the importance of internal attitudes and an optimistic outlook on life. Hold your face, do not dissolve nurses, stick a band-aid and pace - this is not only about the pioneer heroes. This is our idea of proper behavior.
A good child is the one who quickly repaired the bike and drove on, and said about his abrasions: “This is nonsense!” By broadcasting this approach in full, we can raise a smiling and comfortable person. But here psychologists intervene, who say that smiling all the time is an alarming sign. There are reasons why we need to not only endure children's tears and grunts, but also speak out grievances and allow the child to burn. And also sympathize, even if their reason seems insignificant to us. "That's right, son, it's really sad that the bear’s nose has come off."
1. To treat internal grievances with external means is wrong
A tearful experience on the playground is expressed by grief and tears - this is normal. Having not received the desired toy, quarreling with a neighbor, bumping against the side of the sandbox, a small child rushing to the parent with a cry. He awkwardly wipes away tears, mutters: “Hush, hush, don’t cry!” - and buys cotton candy. The internal emotional reaction is treated with an external agent, and the child learns the lesson: "Do not feel bad, eat better."
It is logical that some experts believe that if you scream feelings with comforting prizes from early childhood, then you should not be surprised when a person switches to alcohol or rushes to a pharmacy in search of antidepressants. The problem, of course, is not sweet, but that the adult whom the child trusts and shares his experience with him does not want to hear about it. He does not discuss it. He wants an instant solution to the problem and pain relief: you should not be sad, you should not feel bad.
2. Failure is necessary for growing up
Gadon Newfeld’s popular psychologist’s theory of affection is based on the idea that a person learns adaptability when he is experiencing setbacks. The child wanted to climb a tree. I couldn’t. Got upset. The surroundings were voiced by a bitter sob. Dad came, raised the child to the desired branch, the noise died down, everyone is fine. As a result, according to the researcher, a whole generation of children has grown up who do not know how to cope with failures and always try to insist on their own.
It would be useful for the child to stand under a tree, reflect on his abilities and the peaks that he wants to conquer. About how annoying when they do not submit, cry about it. Tears about what could not be achieved provoke physiological changes in the nervous system.
This, in turn, helps to develop mental mobility, vitality: “Yes, the branch is indeed high - here I am not in control. Well, I’ll find another tree ... ”In general, according to Newfeld, children need to cry quite a lot in order to adapt to the world, or at least to the shape of a country fence.
3. To get rid of sadness, you need to feel it.
Yes, this does not look very logical. Who in their right mind would want to wander offended or annoyed? However, studies conducted by scientists from the University of Toronto and the University of California at Berkeley prove that it is more expensive to suppress unpleasant emotions. As a result, there are even more of them than at the beginning.
On the contrary: when a person accepted the fact that he was out of sorts today, allowed himself to frown and grumble, he coped better with stress. And, according to experts from Berkeley, he strengthened his health and well-being. Of course, the well-being of others may suffer from the poor mood of an active child. But still, suffering due to the imperfection of the sight of a pistol with suction cups helps to cope with stress much better than a stretched smile.
4. Tears help us get closer
This point also sounds quite paradoxical, but British neuroscientist Michael Trimble insists that the loud roar in the sandbox is a demonstration of our vulnerability. It is she who is crucial for human relations.
Crying children cause a surge of compassion. Grandmothers, dads and those guys who simply passed by immediately rushed to them. They are also emotionally excited, begin to argue that it’s better to repair a scoop or buy a balloon, scurry around, mumble: “Hush, hush, that's such a bird!” They behave terribly wrong, unscientific, but it's great that they all crowded around me!
Thank you for reading this article, I hope you enjoyed it. Subscribe to the channel, leave comments and come again!