I think each of you has either heard of such a situation, or you have come across.
An elderly parent behaves in a certain way, from which his child suffers.
For example, when guests are visiting, their mother rudely jokes or makes fun of her already adult child.
Or a mother who is already a grandmother can persistently load programs for her grandchildren, such as: “life is a hard thing”, “you have to work hard and hard to earn a living”, etc., and her daughter, the mother of these grandchildren, I completely disagree with such statements.
Or a situation when an elderly mother is ill, she is hired as a carer, but the mother does not want a stranger to sit with her, and her daughter is forced to leave work to care for her mother.
In each of the situations described, an adult child of an elderly mother is in a situation in which he suffers. But if you ask a question why he doesn’t want to STAY HIS POSITION, for example, to prohibit talking with his grandmother so seriously or talk about possible topics of conversation with his grandchildren, or not pay attention to the vagaries of his mother and leave a nurse with her, and go to work himself - the person replies that he cannot do this because his mother will be offended, upset, even more ill (the most common answers are: “she will have a pressure increase”, “she will become bad with her heart”), etc.
If you define the role in such situations, it turns out that the child takes responsibility for such a touchy reaction of his mother, as if closing her from adversity and in no way violating her peace of mind.
What is it? Already an adult child does not allow himself to show the inner Adult, who calmly explains to his mother what she is wrong about. He also does not allow him to turn to his mother’s inner Adult, that same Adult who will responsibly approach the situation and will be able to correctly assess it. But his mother’s capricious uncontrollable inner Child is welcome)) I will cherish you and cherish you, be capricious, as much as you want.
This amazing situation is ubiquitous. Two grown adults: a mother and a child - practically do not communicate, like Adults. Or the child still pulls out his Inner child in communication with the mother, forcing the mother to pull out his inner Parent (often angry, controlling, rather than caring). Either the mother manifests her inner, most often very capricious Child, forcing the daughter or son to serve their internal childhood state with might and main.
I asked clients how they feel when they are being led about the inner Child of their mother (or father). The two most popular answers are: a mother of a young child and a guardian angel. True, realizing these roles, there is a desire to stop playing these games. Because they are unpleasant and unhealthy.
What relationships with parents (like partners and children of a certain age) are healthy?
When communication is conducted from the position of Adult-Adult. Parents, even if they are older people, have the SAME RESPONSIBILITIES to activate their inner Adult in all areas of life, as well as their younger children. They are also responsible for their lives, choose reactions to circumstances. And if they do not want to do this, taking the position of a capricious Child, then this corrupts them. Their loved ones assent to them when they do not want to treat their parents as adults.
In support of the need to communicate from an Adult-Adult perspective, I will say that those who behave like Adults maintain a healthy mind and body for a very long time. Those who want to remain a Child, having long gone out of childhood, quickly age. Therefore, it makes sense to be an Adult yourself and see your parent the same way, interact with his Adult.
Then the relationship will sparkle with new colors, where there will be no victims of circumstances, since a real Adult cannot be a victim by definition.