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The article is subjective and expresses the personal opinion of the author.
From shame, I want to fall through the earth, evaporate, disappear. They burn to the ground with shame and turn into stone. And, as you might guess, a person is ready for a lot, just to not feel anything like it. Especially when you are a small child and have a poor understanding of what is expected of you.
Shame is one of the easiest and most effective ways to make a child obey. This action hides the threat of expelling the child from family members, the community of “their own”, people who deserve to live. In fact, shame is formed (in norm) for this purpose: to force a person to observe the cultural and social norms adopted in this place and at this time. You will not adhere to the rules - we will expel you, we do not need criminals here.
But a two-three-year-old man is still too young to, firstly, know and accept all these complex and ornate circumstances, and, secondly, he is not yet able to restrain various motives of his nature, he simply has nothing to do. The control and the volitional sphere of the psyche are not yet ready, not ripe in order to control his actions. It is believed that conscience and self-control more or less begin to function by the age of seven. And in a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, for example, even later.
When a child begins to understand what shame is. And how does he appear
It is completely pointless to shame preschoolers, especially in the form we have adopted: "Oh, you ugliness, how embarrassing you are, why did you spill milk and scatter the cereal all over the table?" Then, that it was not necessary to leave in access, dear parents. And now he is not ashamed, because he does not understand what social norms he has violated (and you understand, can you quickly name it?). He is just very scared to see your anger.
Rhetorical questions “Why? Why did you do this? ”Introducing even more chaos, because it is not clear what to answer. I poured it and scattered it because I wanted to make breakfast for myself while everyone was sleeping, but the bag of milk was too heavy, and the box of cereal was open in an uncomfortable place. And then it was too late to fix something ...
The main educational task of parents of children from two to seven years is to teach, not punish
Instead of shaking fists and calling all sorts of cars on the head are incompetent, you can and should explain how to act, show the right path, do it together.
The child grows up, begins to go to kindergarten, gets acquainted with the rules of behavior in the children's group. It turns out that you can "let your comrades down," for example, by eating slowly, or dressing, or not sleeping - but they will punish everyone. Mutual responsibility. Few people understand where all these educational tricks “one for all and all for one” came from. But again and again: a burning sense of shame, when you are standing in the same panties in front of everyone, they scold and humiliate you, and your friends laugh, mainly because of relief that they were not spotted this time.
And parents can rack their brains that this child goes to the garden for two days - then he gets sick for three weeks. Unbearable because. Moreover, observing how someone is being tortured causes an exactly the same internal reaction as the victim. That is, your child may not have been put naked on the windowsill, but if they put someone else, he is also injured by this.
And in this case, “coercion” does not educate anything, does not teach anything. The child is ashamed, scared, he is defenseless and powerless. The only thing he wants is to squeeze into a lump and hide from his eyes so that no one can find. And fear blocks all cognitive and thought processes, did you know about this? A shamed child is unlikely to learn a lesson. Rather, learn to lie, hide and dodge.
When we grow up, we learn the rules of behavior, explicit and hidden norms, laws and concepts. Something we observe because we are afraid of punishment, something - because we have accepted with all our souls that “it’s so right”. An adult mature person is guided by a long-established system of ideas about what is good and what is bad. It is called "morality." Or, as a second-grader boy, he can drive on red if he is sure that no one sees him. Or convinces himself that everyone does.
What is the difference between shame and guilt
With proper upbringing, the child should have a sense of responsibility for their actions and the ability to feel guilty if they screw up. Guilt differs from shame, first of all, in that it is not "I am bad, worthless, terrible, I have no place among people", but "I am good, but now I have done poorly, but this can be fixed." Feeling guilty, you can apologize, try to make up for the damage: "I accidentally broke your toy, I am very sorry, if you want - take any of mine." With a guilty person I want and possibly continue the relationship, put up.
There is no way out of shame. The only thing that can be done is to redeem with blood. And then it’s not a fact that they will take it back
That is why shame is the last frontier of defense, that which holds back from absolutely drastic actions.
Guilt has remorse. When we get older (and, in theory, older), we accept obligations and are ready to answer for them. Guilt is sadness, regret. We are upset that we hurt or uncomfortable for someone. It is on this circumstance that we must emphasize, explaining to the child what his misconduct is. “Look, you forgot about my mother’s request, although you agreed to help her. Mom was very upset when she came home from work and saw that the dishes were not cleaned. " There is a quick and easy way out of this situation: “Sorry, Mom, I'll do everything now!”
“What kind of bastard are you, your mother kills all day at work so that you have everything, and you can’t tear your ass off the couch to help her!” Is the road to nowhere.
What is important to remember for all parents
- To shame a small child - only to frighten him, he does not understand what you want from him. Explain in simple words, name actions and emotions, teach.
- Conscience as an internal moral regulator is formed closer to seven years.
- A sense of shame appears in a mature person from the inside, this is the most powerful limiter that keeps us from immoral acts. Using it to correct a child’s behavior is pointless and cruel.
- Learn for yourself and teach your child a magic phrase that allows you not to fall into shame when they try to drive you there: "Not all value judgments are behavior modifiers." In other words, not everything that is said about you should make you change.
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